Secret Diary Copy 9/6/01

[Guest guest]

I tried to follow some advice from a parenting book this week. This

was a mistake as these books usually convince me that I am a terrible

parent within the opening chapter. The kind author, who occasionally

happens to be a parent herself but sometimes turns out to be a

childless ex-hotel manager, then promises if I just follow her simple

steps to parenting I could have the perfect family.

I've come to the conclusion over the years that the authors of these

books are on a par with those faddy diet book people. You know the

ones I mean " Eat no fat; get thin in 30 days! " shrieks one. " Eat high

fat, lose weight and live longer! " proclaims another. Just as in the

diet world there is always another diet round the corner, so there is

another baby guru just waiting to make money out of credulous parents.

And we are all credulous parents aren't we? Because somewhere along

the line between conception and birth, we have convinced ourselves

that we haven't got a clue how to do this parenting thing and so we

try to arm ourselves with knowledge from people who seem to know more

than us.

Talking to your own parents is no help. I don't know about you but I

can definitely remember swearing that I wouldn't do it the way they

did it. In-laws are worse as they did it totally differently from the

way that your own parents assure you was just the only way to do this

parenting thing.

So we pretty much decided to ignore the older generation and aim for

the best quality information we could find. My mother didn't think

much of this. When confronted with the latest research evidence on

putting your baby on its back to sleep or breastfeeding on demand my

mother would proclaim that we had grown up all right and science never

proved anything!

Yet, she came up trumps when medical wisdom in the shape of a locum

GP told me that Kieran could be asthmatic. Have six months worth of

steroids, Mrs Lesley. Kieran was just seven months old and I was due

to go back to work in five days time. In tears, I rang my mum.

" Is he teething? " she asked. I confirmed he was. " Both your brothers

wheezed when they were teething, see how he is in a day or so. "

She was quite right, he stopped wheezing within two days and has never

had a wheeze since.

Anyway, despite all evidence that they don't work, I still feel this

sad urge to buy books and try to improve my parenting and dieting. The

latest parent guru assures me that if I want my kids to grow up as

successful business people, I should be getting them to do the

housework for money. Kieran is desperate for a new lego set. I

introduced the idea that perhaps if he were to tidy his room every

week he could have some pocket money to save up.

He tidied with great gusto and soon it was all perfect so I paid up.

Two hours later I was stunned to realise that the place was like a

rubbish tip again. He then offered to tidy it again in return for

more pocket money. It seems I had not included a clause in the

contract about keeping the bedroom tidy for a minimum period before

repeat cleaning fees could be earned.

I then set Emma and Carys to the task of tidying their room. Shortly

afterwards I discovered Emma sat in front of the television and Kieran

doing her jobs. " Oh I don't need any money at the moment so I've told

Kieran he can have my pocket money if he does my jobs. "

I give up. There is nothing I can teach my kids about being

entrepreneurs. However I can feel a book coming on: " How to Lose

Weight and Raise Perfect Children. " It'll be a best seller: so long

as they never meet me or my kids, no-one will know its all lies!

Copyright Evening Chronicle 9/6/01

Lesley

ANT, tr BFC, Mother, Wife, Friend, Mender of Broken Hearts,

Keeper of Secrets, Chauffeur, Cook, Maid, Writer. Overweight, Over

thirty, Over here in Worthing..

" Believing Oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional

mind! " Star Trek.