Can't not reply... was Being a SAHM (LONG!!!)

August 4, 2001

Karina,

You are right, I missed the point, think I must hae deleted the original

posting, and responded to someone elses response (?). I get what you mean

now, just assumed you had no kids already! It is sad but a lot of people i

know who were once a great laugh, have just become totally 'mumsy' and

reclusive since having babies. Its as if, nothing else is important, and

they have just taken on the role of what they think a mum is. They have lost

their individuality, and personality, and some, even their partners!!

I have forced myself to go back to work part time, because I felt I needed to

use my brain, and remember the that isnt a mum! (making any sense?).

I wanted to be with people who arent mothers, and who talk about stuff thats

nothing to do with babies. I miss my son incredibly, but I think its good

for him to be with his dad on his own and also with a sitter, hes just

starting to get clingy, so hopefully this will break that chain.

I wanted to be a SAHM when I first had Rohan, but after going to lots of

group meetings with other mums, I felt like the old me was being stifeled.

My life was out of balance, it was 99% babies and 1% other! now its more

60:40 and I feel like the old me again, not putting my life on hold because

of my baby.

Now, I have just read what I have written, and it doesnt make a whole lot of

sense to me either!

Mum to Rohan

August 4, 2001

>>>OK, I am going to say it even if noone else will....maybe you should go back

to work if you have all these worries. If a career is that important and you

feel a baby will get in the way, then think carefully about wether there is a

place in your life at this moment to have a baby

No, no, no.... I ADORE my babies.

I should probably sound really hurt and be defensive now, but I just think

you're missing the point.

I miss the kids all the time when I am at work, I am just not sure if the best

thing for them is to have mummy ALL the time with no other influences. They have

a great time with their nanny - and do different things with her than with me.

And of course it's me who's there all night, every evening, every morning, every

weekend, every holiday, and every time they are sick - plus two daytimes a week

too. That I don't want them in my life is NOT the point.

The point is more, I think, that I know we just get kids on loan - they are not

" mine " and they have their own lives... It might sound silly to say this when

they are only 1 and 3, but I have seen too many women living purely through

their children - as if they cease to exist as people. I don't want this to

happen - I seriously think the kids will get more out of me if I am happy too.

Also, I come from a society where all women get to stay at home with every baby

for a full year (!) on near full pay, and after that there are cheap, good,

friendly, state-run kinder gartens were nearly all kids are from 1 to 6. In

addition, people work much shorter hours then in the UK - and men pick up their

kids in kinder gartens too - so achieving a balance between work and home life

is a thousand times easier than in the UK.

Here I feel pushed into a corner where you are either an SAHM or you are a

" career women " (oh, what a firty word) - being a normal woman who loves her kids

but wants to us her abilities in other ways too is not allowed. My mum is a

doctor, and always worked - we are still very close.

Also, I feel it's silly when people say " oh but this is when they need you " . I

will be my children's mum all their lives - and they might need me as much when

they are starting school, or falling out with their best friend at 9, or getting

spots at 12, or falling in love at 15. Or even when they are getting their first

mortgage, getting married, or having children.

So I want to find a balance that can work for all of us at different times - OK

it might mean less work now than later - but that is not to say it can't include

work at all!! That would be to say only SAHM's are good mums - is that really

what you mean?

There are so many things to give your children - happiness, time, support,

financial security, vision... I don't think " time " is the only one that matters.

So I guess what I was asking you all was - how do you achieve these things when

you are a SAHM - because I have tried the other two alternatives (working full

time and part time) and they are challenging too.

Karina

Mum to Emilia (Oct 98) and Sebastian (Aug 00)

August 4, 2001

Karina, it is a difficult decision and you probably won't know if it's right

for you until you've done it. It depends also if you think you might end up

resenting the children a little if you see them taking you away from your

interests, time on your own, etc. etc.? You can build this into your

day/week though with planning.

I left work after my maternity leave four years ago and now have 3 boys aged

4, 2 and 4 months. Life is busy!! I absolutely love it though and there is

plenty to do. Fortunately I have a lot of old friends locally - I don't

mean they're old, I just mean we've been friends for a long time, long

before we all had children so we have lots to talk about/do apart from just

being friends with other mums that I've met through children centred things,

although it's nice to meet other people this way as well. It's not that

we've all lived in this area for all our lives, it's just that quite a few

of my friends have all ended up round here which is lovely. However, I also

love doing things with the children and take great pleasure in seeing their

delight. I also am aware that this is just a small phase in my life where

they are all fairly (or very!) dependent on me, but they will " grow away "

and have their own friends. I know from other mums that their daughters

aged 9 or 10 wouldn't be seen dead with them in the high street and it seems

to me that it's such a short time that they actually want to be with you. I

also am a great believer in " what you put in, you get out " . Although I love

being a SAHM, it's not a bed of roses 100% of the time. Yes, sometimes I do

get impatient with them, sometimes I would like more time to myself, and

sometimes I find it a challenge, but I wouldn't change it for the world. I

didn't have my first until I was 31 and I did plenty on my own or with DH up

until then, and I'm aware I will have plenty of time in the future. My

eldest starts infant school next month and the time has just flown past

since he was born. In no time at all they will all have gone to school, so

I'm trying to make the most of these days of freedom, where if the sun is

shining and we decide to go somewhere nice, we just go at the drop of a hat

(well it takes a bit longer than that to get them all ready, but you know

what I mean!).

I went out for drinks at a neighbours house last week and there were a lot

of other local mums there who I'd not met before (their children are older,

at junior and secondary school). They were all so friendly, dressed up

nicely, looking good, happy, good fun - and it struck me that a lot of SAHM

are superwomen. They have all the hard work of raising a number of children

(2, 3, 4 or 5), and all that that entails and yet they can still go for a

night out with a smile on their faces!

You may just have to try it and see how you get on. I feel as though I work

very hard, but I also feel as though I'm on a permanent holiday!

Hannah

Can't not reply... was Being a SAHM (LONG!!!)

>>>OK, I am going to say it even if noone else will....maybe you should go

back

to work if you have all these worries. If a career is that important and

you

feel a baby will get in the way, then think carefully about wether there

is a

place in your life at this moment to have a baby

No, no, no.... I ADORE my babies.

I should probably sound really hurt and be defensive now, but I just think

you're missing the point.

I miss the kids all the time when I am at work, I am just not sure if the

best thing for them is to have mummy ALL the time with no other influences.

They have a great time with their nanny - and do different things with her

than with me. And of course it's me who's there all night, every evening,

every morning, every weekend, every holiday, and every time they are sick -

plus two daytimes a week too. That I don't want them in my life is NOT the

point.

The point is more, I think, that I know we just get kids on loan - they

are not " mine " and they have their own lives... It might sound silly to say

this when they are only 1 and 3, but I have seen too many women living

purely through their children - as if they cease to exist as people. I don't

want this to happen - I seriously think the kids will get more out of me if

I am happy too.

August 5, 2001

> >>>OK, I am going to say it even if noone else will....maybe you

>should go back

>to work if you have all these worries. If a career is that important and you

>feel a baby will get in the way, then think carefully about wether there is a

>place in your life at this moment to have a baby

>

>No, no, no.... I ADORE my babies.

>I should probably sound really hurt and be defensive now, but I just

>think you're missing the point.

>

>I miss the kids all the time when I am at work, I am just not sure

>if the best thing for them is to have mummy ALL the time with no

>other influences.

I think this might be where your problem lies - you are taking it too

literally. I don't have much choice but be an SAHM - my children

could be in full time day care and I still wouldn't be working. My

children do not have 'no other influences but me' - I know there are

women, generally for religious or ill health (mental or physical)

reasons for whom SAH is rather literal - but for the majority it is

totally misleading. It is hard for me because I do have physical

limitations on what I can do, but my children have a father who is

involved with them (indeed my eldest undoubtedly has a stronger bond

with him then with me), they go out, they meet other children, other

adults, my relatives visit and they do lots of different things,

ordinary stuff, joining in with daily life, and other more child

specific activities when we are all in the mood for it. I find it

difficult to take the pace of going out every day personally but that

is how some SAHM mothers do it.

There are places which are isolated, where there are no neighbours or

only antisocial ones and it can be a challenge. And if your home is

not a pleasant place to be - if it is cramped, or you just don't like

it, or it is badly run down, then that can be grim.

I read books, use the computer, go to a reading group - and most of

the (well) women I know are involved in one or more non-child related

activities.

I did think that maybe my world revolved far too much round children

when I realised I'd not managed to get to the hairdresser for two

years. But then I went and was reminded that the reason I haven't

been is because I loathe going!

>The point is more, I think, that I know we just get kids on loan -

>they are not " mine " and they have their own lives... It might sound

>silly to say this when they are only 1 and 3, but I have seen too

>many women living purely through their children - as if they cease

>to exist as people. I don't want this to happen - I seriously think

>the kids will get more out of me if I am happy too.

Is that something you think about them, or is it something they

(maybe only later) perceive? Are they unhappy? I am presuming that

you are not proposing to home educate your children - before you know

it they will be at school, it really isn't some endless yawning void

you are thinking of plunging yourself into.

But I am not disagreeing with the rest of what you had to say.

You asked what the best thing is about being an SAHM.cf going out to

work...hmmm, being your own boss, setting your own timetable, and

most of all not having to do all that planning and rushing and

intensive " now I'm with my child and we have to do intensive

children's activities " that *some* mothers with jobs seem to do...

that would be mine. Although I have enjoyed my eldest moving on to

playgroup, I have found this stage harder - and *not* because I miss

him.

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

August 5, 2001