Re: Husbands .... and who does what

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 22/08/2001 10:32:17 GMT Daylight Time,

jennihughes@... writes:

> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

>

>

, I agree with you, my husband is fantastic in everyway, and I feel

lucky that our paths crossed and we met each other. But as for being lucky

to have such a fab hubby....I also disagree, I think you make your own

choices and you get what you settle for...if you dont like it, change it!

No offence, but instead of people wasting time moaning about their husbands,

why dont they just tell them how annoying their behaviour is. I think women

tend to take over doing everything, just so they can play the martyr

act...and I am also guilty of this....I used to do everything in my previous

relationship, and then moan that I did it! I never gave the idiot boyfriend a

chance (not that he would have done anything properly anyway! )

[Guest guest]

> I earned twice what DH did and it was only my stopping salaried work that

> forced him to pursue his career. Its OUR money - any divorce court would see

> it that way

>

I was earning more than Gethyn when we decided that I would be the one to

stay at home, this decision was based on the fact that he has relatively

secure employment whilst I worked in the very insecure voluntary sector.

The shame of this to us is that he would love to have the opportunity to

stay at home and has greater earning capacity self-employed than I do but

this will not be an option for us *because* he has secure employment - can't

have it all I guess

I have been catching up and reading some of this thread but find it

difficult to contribute when I'm married 'Mr Wonderful' she says

who definitely does his fair share both with house-work and taking

responsibility for the children. Money is never an issue, it is *our* money

and we spend it in reasonable consultation with each other. I feel

treasured and respected within our relationship and certainly not taken for

granted and I try to ensure that he feels the same

BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

Jenni

(& Gethyn) 17yrs, Mari 3yrs (H/B), Babi Bach exp.09/2001 = 36wks+

[Guest guest]

>>> wrote:

>>> No offence, but instead of people wasting time moaning about

their husbands, why dont they just tell them how annoying their

behaviour is. I think women tend to take over doing everything, just

so they can play the martyr act...and I am also guilty of this....I

used to do everything in my previous relationship, and then moan that

I did it! >>>>

I was just going to thank you all for replying to my original mail -

and especially the fact that everyone seemed to realise that it was

not about " men being horrible " but more about the way things work out

in real life (sadly I don't live in Hollywood-land either) and the

difficulties in establishing a balance.

So don't change it now!

Thanks for all the valuable advice for how to work something out for

the better - I really appreciate it and will reply more properly

later. I agree it can be a waste of time moaning if that's all you

do, but I do think the start of working something out can be to

express how one feels (and sometimes I find it's better to ask advice

from my friends first (including this list) so what I say to whoever

I have a conflict with can be a bit more productive).

I think for DH and I the main thing has been that we used to be

so 'equal' (apart from the fact that we have both been unemployed at

various points in our careers) and now this big wonderful thing

called parenthood has happened to us (twice, haha) and it has

distorted the balance - so we need to get back to something that

works better.

Also, I did mention that it's not just me thinking he gets a better

deal (as he doesn't have to worry about any other practicalities than

the ones that get delegated to him) but also him thinking I get a

better deal (more flexibility, more choice, the security he provides,

etc). I think we need to realise that even though we can't get back

to both of use doing 'the same', we need to have a better

balance 'amount-wise' so both gets time out to mellow, relax, do

something we enjoy.

He's a wonderful DH really, that's why I chose him, but it STILL bugs

me that the parenting thing falls only on me, that it's me who is

shattered the majority of the time, and that I for that reason can't

give either the kids, my job, him, or myself fully what's needed.

Take care

Karina

(Who'll probably feel more reasonable to DH if only I had had more

than a few full nights sleep in the last 3 years!)

[Guest guest]

I wasn't going to jump in on this thread in case no one agrees with me but

here goes!

Earlier this year I got to the point where every day I felt I wasn't getting

as much done as I should, being a SAHM. DH has 2 businesses, works

5?days/week and really does help out. I felt I was giving him lots of

support/praise with regards to his work, but I was receiving none in return.

I didn't necessarily need/want help from him, just needed him to say he

appreciated what I was doing and that he understood how difficult it could

be. I also felt I had no " me " time at all (except the hour or so a day when

DD is napping0. Well a good dose of PMT and a disagreement over something &

nothing (can't even remember now what it was) and it all came blurting out.

He didn't realise how I felt - says he can't read my mind for some reason!

To cut a long story short we made a few negotiations that resulted in me

having Saturday afternoons off - to go shopping for myself, out to lunch

with a friend or whatever. Plus he's more appreciative of what does get

done, and if he feels something needs doing he does it (housework is higher

on his list of priorities than mine). I feel that if we can cope with a

high workload we will - the only time problems start is when we're not

appreciated for what we're doing. This is true whether in paid employment

outside the home or a SAHM.

Just my opinion,

--

[Guest guest]

<<

>

Oh ...

I may complain about my dh and I may moan about him but

A/ I DO tell him just how annoying his behaviour is

and B/ I DO feel lucky that we met each other and I love him dearly and I would

not want to be without in him my life..

So what he is not 100% perfect but then neither am I.. I would hate it if he was

I know for sure...

And also at the end I am not in the habit of changing people and the way they

are Dh and I work things out I do some things I don't like very much (like the

washing) and he does stuff he doesn't care for that much (like taking the bin

out) and if I moan because he has forgotten or because he is stressed and has

given me a stupid comment to something that does not mean I would want to change

him and neither does it mean that I would want anyone else in my life..

Things are not always black and white personally I find most stuff a shade of

grey..

Lonnie Phoebe & Eloisa's mama

& expecting a Christmas delivery...

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you

start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

[Guest guest]

>In a message dated 22/08/2001 10:32:17 GMT Daylight Time,

>jennihughes@... writes:

>

>

>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

>, I agree with you, my husband is fantastic in everyway, and I feel

>lucky that our paths crossed and we met each other. But as for being lucky

>to have such a fab hubby....I also disagree, I think you make your own

>choices and you get what you settle for...if you dont like it, change it!

>

>No offence,

:-) A famous line from The Fast Show...

> but instead of people wasting time moaning about their husbands,

I don't think it is wasting time. Unless you are *exceptionally* easy

going (which probably means *you* are a bit of a pain to someone else

because things don't matter to you) or way out of touch with your

feelings living with someone is going to involve some irritations

sometimes and people can't always change that much - letting off a

bit of steam somewhere like here - and finding out that this is not

an unusual state of affairs can help too.

And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first husband

looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

incidentally) decided she'd have him when she thought I wasn't

looking, in preference to her long term boyfriend. It's interesting

that I put up with...nay accept without batting an eyelid stuff...

from my current husband that I would never have tolerated from my

first - but when my first husband sent me an appeal for sponsorship

'cos he was going up Mt Kilimanjaro for charity I thought " He

wouldn't have been doing that with two small children if he was

married to me...oh, maybe that's why he *isn't* married to me any

more! " :-)

>why dont they just tell them how annoying their behaviour is.

It sounds as though it isn't an either/or situation :-) I'm not

hearing that the members of nct-coffee have left their partners in

total ignorance of their feelings :-))))

> I think women

>tend to take over doing everything, just so they can play the martyr

>act...and I am also guilty of this....I used to do everything in my previous

relationship, and then moan that I did it!

I do think it is true that in a lot of families housework and

childcare are things that, at best, are delegated to men by women.

I've said this before but I feel it starts in hospital when they kick

the men out - giving women the head start in getting to grips with 24

hour responsibility and practical care. It takes a lot of effort to

break out of the roles that society keeps forcing you into.

I've found it very interesting reading all the responses. Hard to

know how to respond about my personal situation because I had a hard

time looking after myself and the house when it was just me here.

Effectively my husband is trying to do a full time work project at

home *and* look after the house *and* look after the children *and*

do lots of DIY - and reading some of the posts I wondered if he might

write the same thing given the opportunity! I do the laundry, some of

the cooking, I clean the bathroom sink a *bit* of cleaning/tidying up

(nothing too serious) and I usually prefer to at least be half of a

shopping trip - and I tend to be the organiser of holidays, social

events etc. I tend to be the one who gets up with the children in the

morning and sorts out breakfast and the beginnings of getting

dressed, and their social/educational etc lives. I get to go out more

than he does (which still isn't very much). It's a bit frustrating

really - in theory I would like our children to see us being more

equal but our abilities and inclinations mean that isn't what they

see.

But its interesting that he never takes *both* children out single

handed and the other day when I was just out of it and in bed, DS2

must have been in the same nappy 24 hours (partly because he fell

asleep early in the evening and you don't wake that one unless you

really have to!) and he rarely remembers teeth cleaning unless

prompted and he still claims he doesn't know which child's pyjama

drawer is which! He does do that business of sorting himself out a

drink/snack without asking anyone else (though as he only drinks

canned coke, perhaps making tea/coffee is a bigger deal...)

We were at friends a while back and the wife does have a tendency to

nag her husband about all sorts of stuff (we all four had a good chat

about individual flash points over child safety - we all have

particular blind spots and hypersensitivities) Anyway, she went on at

him about whether he'd asked us whether we'd like another glass of

wine before having one himself - he pointed out with some

justification that we'd been friends long enough we could ask - and

what he didn't say was that he could be pretty certain both of us

would say no anyway. But yes, it's good etiquette to ensure your

guests are comfortable. On the other hand *she* spent the whole

evening reading the manual for her new gadget and playing with it and

then fell asleep on the floor.

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

[Guest guest]

> And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first husband

> looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

> incidentally)

Who is disabled, ? Have I missed something?

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

> And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first husband

> looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

> incidentally)

Who is disabled, ? Have I missed something?

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

> And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first husband

> looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

> incidentally)

Who is disabled, ? Have I missed something?

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

>

>> And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first husband

>> looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

>> incidentally)

>

>Who is disabled, ? Have I missed something?

>

>Ruthie

Me!

Not that it is very obvious if I can help it (and hanging out with

exhausted mothers of young children does disguise it quite well :-))

- so I just appear to be a leading member of the sitting around

eating bon-bons club :-) It's working out quite well being a mother

as I can walk further pushing the pushchair than I can without!

It does mean that I do have a small income of my 'own' from the state

provided I am prepared to submit to ritual humiliation by the dregs

of the medical profession when periodically summonsed. (Which I don't

think I can bear to do again, if we can possibly afford for me not to

- the last one turned me into a gibbering wreck and resulted in me

making a formal complaint)

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

[Guest guest]

, I know what you mean but I think you are missing our point!

Just because we are having a moan about what they do, doesn't mean that we

don't think they are fab in every other way. And frankly, choosing a partner

is not only about attitudes to domestic responsibility - many of us feel

more frustration after we've had kids but aren't able to predict that before

we've had them!

I like this list because it is nice to be able to voice these

concerns/frustrations whilst knowing that everyone else understands the

context, that it doesn't mean I don't love my partner etc.

I said in my original post that i think my partner is pretty good but we

both know there are thiinsg we need to work on. We talk about it and he

knows he doesn't do as much as me, he is just having some difficulty

changing! Not sure about your martyr concept, like Emma says doing it

ourselves is often the only way to get stuff done!

> , I agree with you, my husband is fantastic in everyway, and I feel

> lucky that our paths crossed and we met each other. But as for being

lucky

> to have such a fab hubby....I also disagree, I think you make your own

> choices and you get what you settle for...if you dont like it, change it!

>

> No offence, but instead of people wasting time moaning about their

husbands,

> why dont they just tell them how annoying their behaviour is. I think

women

> tend to take over doing everything, just so they can play the martyr

> act...and I am also guilty of this....I used to do everything in my

previous

> relationship, and then moan that I did it! I never gave the idiot

boyfriend a

> chance (not that he would have done anything properly anyway! )

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, I know what you mean but I think you are missing our point!

Just because we are having a moan about what they do, doesn't mean that we

don't think they are fab in every other way. And frankly, choosing a partner

is not only about attitudes to domestic responsibility - many of us feel

more frustration after we've had kids but aren't able to predict that before

we've had them!

I like this list because it is nice to be able to voice these

concerns/frustrations whilst knowing that everyone else understands the

context, that it doesn't mean I don't love my partner etc.

I said in my original post that i think my partner is pretty good but we

both know there are thiinsg we need to work on. We talk about it and he

knows he doesn't do as much as me, he is just having some difficulty

changing! Not sure about your martyr concept, like Emma says doing it

ourselves is often the only way to get stuff done!

> , I agree with you, my husband is fantastic in everyway, and I feel

> lucky that our paths crossed and we met each other. But as for being

lucky

> to have such a fab hubby....I also disagree, I think you make your own

> choices and you get what you settle for...if you dont like it, change it!

>

> No offence, but instead of people wasting time moaning about their

husbands,

> why dont they just tell them how annoying their behaviour is. I think

women

> tend to take over doing everything, just so they can play the martyr

> act...and I am also guilty of this....I used to do everything in my

previous

> relationship, and then moan that I did it! I never gave the idiot

boyfriend a

> chance (not that he would have done anything properly anyway! )

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi

I wrote:

>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

> Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

> come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

I see that little smiling emoticon at the end but I'm not sure what you mean

when you say " *if* it is true " - do you think I'm making it up ????????????

I don't want to be antsy here but I'm feeling emotional, hormonal, swollen

with oedema, sweaty, huge and fed up so I know that you didn't know but we

met at the 'wake' of a close friend who was the same age as me and died in a

car accident, yes I guess lucky that our paths crossed but under very sad

circumstances.

Sorry I do know I'm being over sensitive but in March this year Gethyn's

best mate also died suddenly (he was 37, the Post Mortem was inconclusive

and we're still waiting on the Coroner's Inquest) and I just heard that my

close friends' brother has died suddenly at the age of 40 (after an

alcoholic binge).

On a more cheerful note my 'Mr Wonderful' managed to score 2 tickets to see

the Manic Street Preachers an hour before the gig tonight for #10 each!!

And maybe ... just maybe ... he's not so wonderful after all as he's taken

his mate and not me

Jenni

(& Gethyn) 17yrs, Mari 3yrs (H/B), Babi Bach exp.09/2001 = 36wks+

[Guest guest]

Hi

I wrote:

>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

> Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

> come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

I see that little smiling emoticon at the end but I'm not sure what you mean

when you say " *if* it is true " - do you think I'm making it up ????????????

I don't want to be antsy here but I'm feeling emotional, hormonal, swollen

with oedema, sweaty, huge and fed up so I know that you didn't know but we

met at the 'wake' of a close friend who was the same age as me and died in a

car accident, yes I guess lucky that our paths crossed but under very sad

circumstances.

Sorry I do know I'm being over sensitive but in March this year Gethyn's

best mate also died suddenly (he was 37, the Post Mortem was inconclusive

and we're still waiting on the Coroner's Inquest) and I just heard that my

close friends' brother has died suddenly at the age of 40 (after an

alcoholic binge).

On a more cheerful note my 'Mr Wonderful' managed to score 2 tickets to see

the Manic Street Preachers an hour before the gig tonight for #10 each!!

And maybe ... just maybe ... he's not so wonderful after all as he's taken

his mate and not me

Jenni

(& Gethyn) 17yrs, Mari 3yrs (H/B), Babi Bach exp.09/2001 = 36wks+

[Guest guest]

Hi

I wrote:

>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing to do with

>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

> Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

> come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

I see that little smiling emoticon at the end but I'm not sure what you mean

when you say " *if* it is true " - do you think I'm making it up ????????????

I don't want to be antsy here but I'm feeling emotional, hormonal, swollen

with oedema, sweaty, huge and fed up so I know that you didn't know but we

met at the 'wake' of a close friend who was the same age as me and died in a

car accident, yes I guess lucky that our paths crossed but under very sad

circumstances.

Sorry I do know I'm being over sensitive but in March this year Gethyn's

best mate also died suddenly (he was 37, the Post Mortem was inconclusive

and we're still waiting on the Coroner's Inquest) and I just heard that my

close friends' brother has died suddenly at the age of 40 (after an

alcoholic binge).

On a more cheerful note my 'Mr Wonderful' managed to score 2 tickets to see

the Manic Street Preachers an hour before the gig tonight for #10 each!!

And maybe ... just maybe ... he's not so wonderful after all as he's taken

his mate and not me

Jenni

(& Gethyn) 17yrs, Mari 3yrs (H/B), Babi Bach exp.09/2001 = 36wks+

[Guest guest]

> >

> >> And have you *tried* changing husbands????? :-) My first

husband

> >> looked so good as a partner that someone else (also disabled

> >> incidentally)

> >

> >Who is disabled, ? Have I missed something?

> >

> >Ruthie

>

> Me!

>

> Not that it is very obvious if I can help it (and hanging out with

> exhausted mothers of young children does disguise it quite well

:-))

> - so I just appear to be a leading member of the sitting around

> eating bon-bons club :-) It's working out quite well being a

mother

> as I can walk further pushing the pushchair than I can without!

Oh I am sorry, I had no idea. I gather it isn't too debilitating if

you can walk a bit, but then again who am I to judge!? (I don't want

to ask any more if you don't volunteer.) HUG anyway.

Ruthie

[Guest guest]

>Hi

>

>I wrote:

>>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing

>>>to do with

>>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

>

>> Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

>> come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

>

>I see that little smiling emoticon at the end but I'm not sure what you mean

>when you say " *if* it is true " - do you think I'm making it up ????????????

Yikes! My first thought was " How could *Jenni* possibly think *I*

would respond to her in such a way? " - but a moment's detached

thought does suggest that is one way of reading it and you wouldn't

have to be screamingly hormonal either. Sorry!

I meant *are* men like him rare as hen's teeth as it seems from the

generality of nct-coffee posters experience (I suppose because I

cling hopefully to the notion that men and women are from Planet

Earth and that Gray is just an apologist for a particular

section of malehood) not that you are a lying toad :-) I should have

made it explicit that I admire your good judgment.

We've actually had this discussion about our good fortune in our

partners before - I know that *I* saw something in my husband that he

didn't think was there, and I have to say it wasn't exactly to the

fore during the long road to marriage (which looked like a long road

to nowhere) Ooh I do enjoy having been proved right after all.

And yes, a sad way for you to meet, so I can see why the nerves jangled!

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

[Guest guest]

>Hi

>

>I wrote:

>>> BTW I'll scream if anyone says that I'm *lucky*, luck had nothing

>>>to do with

>>> it ..... I chose him *because* he's the way that he is and vice versa

>

>> Well, *if* it is true that he is unusual, then you *were* lucky to

>> come within range so you *could* choose him :-)

>

>I see that little smiling emoticon at the end but I'm not sure what you mean

>when you say " *if* it is true " - do you think I'm making it up ????????????

Yikes! My first thought was " How could *Jenni* possibly think *I*

would respond to her in such a way? " - but a moment's detached

thought does suggest that is one way of reading it and you wouldn't

have to be screamingly hormonal either. Sorry!

I meant *are* men like him rare as hen's teeth as it seems from the

generality of nct-coffee posters experience (I suppose because I

cling hopefully to the notion that men and women are from Planet

Earth and that Gray is just an apologist for a particular

section of malehood) not that you are a lying toad :-) I should have

made it explicit that I admire your good judgment.

We've actually had this discussion about our good fortune in our

partners before - I know that *I* saw something in my husband that he

didn't think was there, and I have to say it wasn't exactly to the

fore during the long road to marriage (which looked like a long road

to nowhere) Ooh I do enjoy having been proved right after all.

And yes, a sad way for you to meet, so I can see why the nerves jangled!

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin