This weekend

[Guest guest]

Thanks for all messages last week, in reference to all my worries

(terminal cancer, terrible two's, and sickly babies).

I did make the decision to go home this weekend, so booked a last

minute flight on Friday morning and have just come back after visiting

my aunt - bringing only DS. I really should have gone over before but

the process has gone much quicker than we thought, and I thought I

would get to see her when we're over in July. Now she can hardly

recognise us anymore. I think the drugs are making her less 'herself'

as well, and she is hallucinating, much to her own despair - but yet

she does want the drugs too. I don't think I am very good with death

really. I have been lucky, I have only watched my Granny die in this

same slow agonizing way, but she was 95 and although hard, it was kind

of inevitable. My aunt (her daughter) is only 60 or so, and it breaks

my heart that she could have had another 30 odd years with us.

Still, I am glad I went back to see her - it was horrible to sit here

and just think about her, and although it was shocking to see her, it

felt right.

DS brought some light into my parents house too, as only an innocent

smiley 9-month old baby can.

And I think DD really enjoyed her weekend with her Daddy. She's given

him such a hard time lately, and it was wonderful to come back and see

that they were a real team.

Still struggling, but I do feel a tiny bit better this evening. It's

times like this I wish I was religious, as it's hard to believe that

such an incredibly strong, kind, fair, and decent soul as my aunts is

just about to vanish into thin air. I guess I do believe that she will

watch over me, though. Keep wishing for a miracle, but I don't think

it will happen. Hope I wont offend anyone by asking you all to check

for lumps now and then. I have seen and heard of so many brilliant

women in their prime loosing out to breast cancer in the last 5-10

years.

Karina

Mum to Emilia (Oct 98) and Sebastian (Aug 00)