Re: Sorry Off Topic--Could someone please help.......

July 18, 2001

>me I am suppose to be going out for the evening with my Dad and his

>wife but I really don't want to go, my counseller has actually tol me

>not to go now all I need is an excuse to tell him as I don't want to

>hurt his feelings too much!

>

>Its just that he was never around before he left my mum and now he

>wants to be back in our lives (mine and my brothers) I just think that

>it is toolate and so does my counseller. She says and I totally agree

>with her that he is using my kids to show that he is the happy family

>man, where as in reality he isn't, he comes round to see me and the

>kids and then sets about showing me photos and not paying them one bit

>of attention, also when he phones up all he talks about is himself and

>when he finally says hows the kids its sort of and by the way how are

>the kids and then says goodbye. This may sound harsh but I havent

>explained the half of it.

>

>Any excuses will be most welcome thankyou!!

If the reality is that you don't want to go out *any* evening with

your Dad and don't intend to, you might as well just bite the bullet

now, especially when you have counselling support, rather than

fobbing him off umpteen times until he gets the message. Ultimately

it is easier on both of you - and in a sense you are complaining

about his emotional dishonesty so it seems important to be honest

with him. I suppose it is a bit short notice for tonight though - if

you are going to explain properly as soon as possible then any old

excuse will do and might tip him off about what is coming.

Mind you, your counsellor doesn't sound a very 'counselling' sort if

she is telling you what to do and telling you how things are. Is she

qualified? I've run into a few people doing volunteer counselling

with less than full qualifications who went in for telling people

what they should do with their lives.

I do understand about the 'too late' thing. Sad, but sometimes just

not worth the emotional risk of trying, especially in the sort of

situation you describe, when you are not convinced he wants contact

with you for the 'right' reasons.

--

jennifer@...

Vaudin

July 18, 2001

THanks ruthie for your reply, I have some more thinking to do and I have some

more to think about now with your input, thanks again

Love

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/the-soapy-group

Re: Sorry Off Topic--Could someone please help.......

:

Firstly there is no such thing as off topic on here! Anything goes!

Secondly, I am not going to answer the " excuses " thing, I am sure

everyone else can come up with better excuses than I can! But a few

things come to mind when reading your message, in fact making me feel

very guilty, so maybe it's worth while looking at it from another

point of view!

You describe how your dad apparently takes no interest in your

children when he phones or comes to visit. Besides him " not caring " it

could just be that he isn't comfortable around young children, or

doesn't know how to deal with them. In my own case, I love kids, but

having had 8 of my own, my youngest was only 18 months when my first

grandchild was born; I wasn't really in the mood to " start all over

again " with another generation. I loved my grandchildren but I didn't

want to get into having to babysit, and look after them, when I hadn't

really had a break, a time for myself, at all since my own were

little. I am sure some of my older married daughters resented this in

me a lot.

Also I adore small babies, (like Rafi!) and I get on very well with

older kids (5 +) who can hold a good conversation with me, but I am

ashamed to admit I really don't care for the inbetween stages that

much; the toddlers, the wild two-fours. When Tammy asked me to have

her 4 yr old son to stay while she went away, I said no and I don't

think she recovered from the shock for ages! But later, when he was

five, I gladly had him AND his 7 yr old brother and 9 yr old sister to

stay for a week and they loved it at Grandma's house.

What I am saying is, maybe try not to judge your father too harshly.

Maybe he genuinely doesn't feel comfortable around small children.

Maybe he has too much personal baggage right now to be able to take an

interest in them. At least he asks how they are in the conversation,

even if he doesn't seem that interested in the replies!

Ruthie

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July 18, 2001