Evening Chronicle Copy 10/8/01

[Guest guest]

Taking three children to a wedding is not my idea of a fun weekend. As

it was 's brother and his girlfriend getting married there was

no question of not taking them but I was filled with foreboding. The

three of them together can be a real handful at the best of times, and

a quiet church followed by formal reception sounded like a recipe for

disaster.

It was all made more tricky due to being his brother's usher

and master of ceremonies so I was left quite literally holding the

babies while he sauntered off to church. He tried to make me believe

that ushering is a difficult job. At least wedding guests do what

they are told!

As usual, I had underestimated how long it takes to get three children

clean and dressed. In a fit of panic, I asked Emma to get Carys

dressed while I concentrated on making Kieran's hair look human. In

my haste I forgot my camera and didn't put my lipstick on but we

arrived at the church more or less intact.

Having delivered a warning which covered as many specific

possibilities as I could think of, including " Do not make vomiting

noises when Simon kisses Becky at the end " we took up our positions

behind my parents in law.

In an attempt to keep Carys from amusing the congregation with her

pithy comments about the size of certain saints appendages I took her

onto my lap. At which point I discovered she wasn't wearing any

pants. Whispered consultations with Emma elicited the information

that Emma had left Carys to put her own pants on. This was a fatal

mistake that I should have foreseen. Although Carys can put her own

underwear on, she much prefers to be au naturel and will skip this bit

unless you stand over her. Still, it was too late to do anything about

it other than to spend the service and the resulting photograph

session pulling her dress down and praying that she wouldn't reveal

all.

She was an angel, they all were. Even during the kiss.

The reception however was an endurance test - for me! I knew the

children wouldn't like the food and had come prepared with crisps

hidden in my handbag: they fell out in the churchyard while I was

trying to find the confetti and I'm sure the other guests thought I

was a sad fatty who couldn't go without food for an hour.

I quickly gave up on trying to keep Kieran and Carys quiet during the

speeches and so let them play outside the marquee while I stood in the

doorway. This ensured that I heard hardly anything and got soaked

when Kieran decided to give one of the poles holding up the entrance

an exploratory shake. Carys, meanwhile, kept disappearing.

She was obsessed with the cake which was being proudly displayed on a

very fragile looking stand right by the other entrance to the marquee.

I had visions of her removing all the icing (she doesn't like any of

the rest of it) so I was panicked when I lost sight of her, having

been distracted by Kieran holding one of the guy ropes " What are these

for Mummy? " .

I found Carys again because I heard a gaggle of senior Lesleys cooing

over something. As my fair and dimpled daughter usually brings out

the goo factor in senior citizens it helped me track her down before

she disgraced herself by destroying the cake or flashing her bottom.

After a spot of Ceiladh dancing they went to bed like lambs. I felt

really proud of them and my parenting skills but was exhausted by the

effort. I bumped into as I staggered downstairs.

" Weren't they well behaved? I knew you were worrying too much! "

I resisted the urge to tell him how much disaster SuperMum had

narrowly averted today and headed for a large drink and a piece of

unmolested wedding cake.

Copyright Evening Chronicle - 10/8/01

Lesley

ANT, tr BFC, Mother, Wife, Friend, Mender of Broken Hearts,

Keeper of Secrets, Chauffeur, Cook, Maid, Writer. Overweight, Over

thirty, Over here in Worthing..

" Believing Oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional

mind! " Star Trek.