Secret Diary 29/6

[Guest guest]

> Whoever invented holidays abroad? And why would anyone think that

> these were a good idea when you have small children? I evidently did

> sometime in January when the weather was foul and all was gloom and

> doom. What I forgot in my haste to book my sunny fortnight of

> relaxation and pleasure was that children like wine, often don't

> travel well.

> The journey alone looks like being a nightmare. The original early

> start to catch a morning plane has now turned into getting up in the

> early hours of the morning because the airline has decided to change

> the flight times. The chances of my children being able to get up

> quietly at 3 in the morning are very remote indeed which means I shall

> have to bring back an extra bottle of wine for the neighbours.

> will spend the entire flight in a nervous sweat while I try to

> prevent Kieran from kicking the seatback of the person in front, Carys

> from popping up and down to say hello to the person behind and Emma

> from tripping up the air hostess by leaving a leg out in the aisle.

> " Oh was that my leg she just tripped over and is that your drink, mum,

> that's just gone all over the carpet? "

> Then we'll have to find the luggage, not hard as Carys will probably

> have covered it in chocolate or orange juice shortly before departure.

> The baggage handlers will have taken violent objection to being made

> sticky whilst on duty and so ours will be the last case to come off

> the plane and will have boot marks all over it.

> Next comes the joy of renting a car - its supposed to have been

> pre-booked with car seats but I know there will be some hassle and I

> will be left to control two suitcases, five pieces of hand luggage and

> three children. The children will take off and I will go in hot

> pursuit and then have to suffer the hideous embarrassment of admitting

> that yes these are my chocolate covered cases and no they don't have a

> bomb in them, senor and I am sorry that I left them unattended but my

> three kids went that way and..what do you mean I only have two kids?

> Kieran? KIEEEEERAAAAN!

> Having finally located all members of the family and got them into the

> hire car - which involves hosing them all down so they don't get the

> car sticky or stained thus losing us our deposit which costs more than

> the entire holiday - we will set off with trying to

> concentrate on driving a left hand drive car on a Spanish motorway

> while I frantically try to keep the kids quiet.

> We have 150 miles to drive, which should take no time at all but will

> take all day because Kieran will require endless stops to get drinks,

> Emma will need the loo five minutes after leaving the last stop

> (having assured us that she didn't need to go) and Carys starts to

> whinge that her bottom is numb if she sits on it for more than half an

> hour.

> I will then get yelled at because whilst being Head of Onboard

> Entertainment to the Back Seat I am failing in my duties as Navigator

> and we will have been travelling in the wrong direction for at least

> half an hour.

> Divorce will then loom large as a discussion point and the back seat

> will go ominously quiet as they have all gone to sleep.

> Whilst this seems like a blessed relief it does mean that when we

> arrive at our destination and all and I want to do is collapse

> and drink cold beer, the kids will be well rested and just raring to

> go and explore. The carefully packed clothes will be turned upside

> down out of the cases to find swimming gear and instead of calmly

> settling into our accommodation we will be dragged off dehydrated and

> shattered to enjoy ourselves.

> By the time you read this I will have been in sunny Spain for a week

> and I'm sure you won't be envying me at all! Next year it's a

> fortnight in Skegness with the grandparents.if I survive to next

> year...

>

> Lesley

> ANT, tr BFC, Mother, Wife, Friend, Mender of Broken Hearts,

> Keeper of Secrets, Chauffeur, Cook, Maid, Writer. Overweight, Over

> thirty, Over here in Worthing..

> " Believing Oneself to be perfect is often the sign of a delusional

> mind! " Star Trek.