Re: Shabbat ending, Ruthie?

June 23, 2001

Ruthie, this must be the longest Shabbat of the year, it's still

> quite light out here, presumably you're not unleashed onto the

> electrical system for another hour yet? (21.33 on my slow computer

> clock)

> love Caro

Yup Caro, Shabbat ended tonight at 22.38 pm., the latest it gets. I

think it may be the same next Shabbat then start getting a little

earlier each week again.

Feeling rather depressed this post-Shabbat night. Zehava my dd5 was

home from her religious college in Gateshead for Shabbat, which was

lovely in itself, but it kind of threw Yeshaya into stark relief. The

only way I can explain it is, that Zehava noticed how much her younger

brother had deteriorated in his religious observance and affiliation

since she was last home, something I knew inside too but was playing

ostrich about to some extent. Also when you are in it 24/7 it isn't

as noticeable as when you go away and come back. She told me about it

in strong terms and I felt really weepy and hopeless, and guilty too,

thinking that if only I hadn't had a TV in the house, he might have

turned out different...(many orthodox homes don't have one).

Thing is, I don't know what I can *do* about it now. Except pray, and

be the best kind of example/guide myself (and his father too of

course) that we can. He is *extremely* stubborn and too big to force

to do anything any more. Although last night when the menfolk came

back from synagogue, Zehava and I weren't quite ready to begin the

Friday evening Shabbat meal, so DH said to Yeshaya: " come on let's

learn together a bit till Mummy is ready...any subject you'd

like(Jewish). " Yeshaya didn't want to do *anything* with his father,

but after some cajoling on my part, he said he'd learn by himself and

got out a translated tractate of the Mishnah (the Talmud) and started

looking at it, while Zehava and I said our Shabbat evening prayers

together. Within two minutes Yeshaya had got stuck on a point and sat

down next to his father at the table discussing it, so they *were*

learning together after all. I don't think I *ever* said my prayers

so deliberately slowly, so as to give them as much time together as

possible!

The fact that Zehava is in the middle of a very intense Jewish

post-school education, means that she *is* passionate and intense

about her faith at the moment, and coming home to see her brother

" going off " as she sees it, obviously upsets her. They did have spats

and quarrels this weekend, but mostly got on OK.

Ruthie

June 24, 2001

Ruthie, I really feel for you - this is a really hard time for you and your

husband. Yeshaya is obviously at a major crossroad in his life: he's about

to finish school and, from what you say, it's less than clear that he'll get

into college to do his A Levels. Boys his age are so outwardly confident it

must be very difficult for him to recognise - much less acknowledge - that

all his friends' futures are as uncertain as his. I imagine he must be very

confused, and feeling very lonely. I have no faith myself, so find it

difficult to comprehend how faith might influence such a difficult time in

his life, but do you think that his non-observance could simply be a way of

hiding his confusion?

What I mean is, I think if it were me then one of two things might happen:

either I'd fall back on my faith as the one reliable thing in a sea of

confusion; or I'd see my faith as the thing which unites me with all the

successful people around me - so perhaps if I don't practice my faith, then

I'll lose touch with all those successful people, and (a) have nothing

against which to compare myself unfavourably, and ( prevent them from

noticing that I'm not doing as well as them.

As I say, pure speculation. Still, I *do* agree with all this research

which has been reported over the past couple of years, that children are

influenced at least as much by their peers as by their parents: so if Zehava

is practising her religion, and his friends are observing theirs, then I

suspect Yeshaya won't stray too far from the fold, even if he does have a

short period of teenage rebellion. And one thing you've demonstrated

consistently here, Ruthie, is an amazing ability to leave the doors open for