Older child: younger children

[Guest guest]

I'm increasingly despairing about my eldest DD, who's 12. She is a very

pleasant, confident child outside the house, popular at school (though very

sensitive to name calling etc) and intelligent, being in the top stream for

most of her streamed subjects.

However, at home she's rampantly hormonal and moody and lives in a permanent

dream which makes her very thoughtless and increasingly detached from the

rest of the family - and world, sometimes! This makes her like a little

grey cloud mooching round the house - it's increasingly difficult to ignore

her as we go through the whole routine until she stomps up the stairs

to her room. Now, the rational part of my brain tells me this is just a

phase - albeit possibly a long one! - and to bear with her.

But this is getting increasingly difficult. She is becoming very bossy to

the little ones - 2yrs 9 mths and 18 mths - to the point where she is

untrustworthy in their company. In the last few weeks, she has slammed DS'

finger in the patio door, severing the nail below the cuticle so it's

growing up the finger detached; given DD2 a pair of scissors to play with! ;

and last night she wanted to mow the lawn so was allowed to and I came home

from yoga to find that she'd chucked the washing line prop over the garden,

javelin-style, grazing the corner of Ds' eye (in the name of moving it out

of the way of the lawnmower, of course). I don't think any of these things

were deliberately malicious - I just think she lives in a dream state

completely unpenetrated by conscious thought or any notion of consequences

of her actions.

We've tried all manner of ways of getting through to her. We're generally

quite strict about things like TV, so tried loosening up on that a bit. No

change. She used to go to bed at 8 during the week, so we've tried making

it 8:30 with lights out at 9:30 as a sign we're trusting her more - no

change. We've shelled out £300 to send her on a school trip to France (the

rest of us won't be getting a holiday this year). No change. We've tried

giving her time alone with one or both of us and individual attention -

which just tries our nerves as we attempt conversation along incredibly

inane lines. No change. We've tried having friends round for the day,

allowing her to go to her friends houses unsupervised, allowing her to the

swimming pool/cinema alone with friends (which I think she's too young for),

DH has tried involving her in a dolls house design and build project, he's

booked her and himself on a canoeing course, and nothing, none of it, makes

any difference!

My Mum keeps trying to tell me she's jealous of the little ones, having had

me to herself for so long and while I think there may be a kernel of truth

in that, I don't think it's really significant - she seems too detached to

have worked out jealousy!

Have any of you got any ideas??!!! And remind me why I thought toddlers and

an adolescent in the same house at the same time was a good idea??

Vicki - off to the nurse to get DS' injuries dressed again.

http://www.plushpants.co.uk