THINGS going awry

[Guest guest]

I went down to 20 on the oxygen flow and stopped the senna (lax), and a few of

the other drugs, have become a little more aware of my surroundings. The xanax

and some of the other ones are by request from me only. This past week has been

from 'hell' (sorry), this week little better. I feel today more connected with

myself and more alive I think. Yesterday the nurse from Hospice said " no more 3

1/2 hr. naps " , only 30 minute naps. Then later if I want another 30 min. nap.

Too much in bed and not enough exercise is horrible for me. I am not that kind

of person. If I want to continue my life I must change my attitude as now it

sucks. I don't want to be here any more has been my latest thoughts and I must

shake that away from my brain.

Earl has been reworking my masks to make them more comfortable and workable to

my comfort level which seems to be working. Not so many drugs makes me more

awake and more level headed. Was getting to the point of no return with drugs

for IPF and HP. Earl has taken 3 days off to work with me on the mask but if I

eat we have to figure out a way to eat and lift the mask up to put a mouthful of

food in there same time. This part is difficult so far.

Nurse from Hospice said too much sleep will make me weak and it has too. The

IPF and HP have finally come like a tornado to me and my mind and body, blowing

me around in large circles and feeling the brunt of each bang as it passes by.

There is only one more thing for my zest for life which is falling fast and that

is now the decision to want to live. This I knew would become a problem. This

is so difficult to write about so I wont, ok!

I think one of the major points of why I don't want to die right now is knowing

where my son is and why he doesn't write or care about his Mom. Inexcusable and

so heartbreaking. Maybe if I saw him, then I could GO. And I believe until

that happens, I won't GO.

I must go now, hurt too much to write anymore from my heart.

I continue to love each and one of you every day and minute and I will continue

to pray for each and every one of you each day as they too go by.

I LOVE YOU THIS DAY

MARY LOU PATTERSON

IPF - HP

2002-