Re: I am such an awful person

[Guest guest]

I kow how you feel. It sucks.

(SAHM in GA)

MSN elizabethloht@...

n 33, mo, no formal dx

Phoebe, 11 wks

Re: I am such an awful person

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> > I don't think for a second you're an awful person. I was just saying

> > the other day how I feel somewhat resentful that I can't do the

> > things I want to do.

> >

> > Imagine how this feels. I honestly did not want to be pregnant with

> > Zach. I didn't want another child. I expressed it before I ever got

> > pregnant, and during my entire pregnancy. I talked to my doctor

> > about it. I convinced myself that since I had a husband now, it

> > would be easier to raise a child than it was with Alyx as I was

> > single.

> >

> > That was all before the autism too.

> >

> > I love both of my children a great deal. When my almost 3 year old

> > still acts like a 1 year old, I get mad...and sometimes at him. I

> > know it's not fair, and I try so hard not to take it out on him.

> >

> > The last two days he's been very good, and I'm not feeling resentful

> > right now. But sometimes, it comes over me and I just want to

> > scream.

> >

> > If I think about how devistated I'd be if I lost either of my

> > children...it takes away from when I think of how my life would be

> > had I never had them. I could not bear to lose them, even if I don't

> > wanna be mommy sometimes.

> >

> > There are really cheaper ways to fence a yard even if they're not

> > pretty, at least they're safe. Maybe look into it. We have some

> > chicken wire spanned across two pieces of 2x4's for an area in our

> > yard as a temporary fence. I plan to get the rest chain linked here

> > before too long.

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> > > We (my boys and I) went to do some gardening on the property where

> > DH is building our house. We have been working on the land part for

> > several years, so I have flower beds and a veggie garden etc. Also a

> > river runs through it...... Well took off running for the

> > river so I took off after him and so (almost 4) didn't know

> > where I was so when I go back, he was crying. I got him to stop, then

> > went into garage to get garden tool box, 30 sec maybe, took

> > off the other way running through the woods about 1 foot from a 25

> > foot drop off to the river, I take chase and crying. got him (he is

> > quick I must say)... happily playing in dirt while and I

> > plant a few flowers and says " Mom why do you always have to pay

> > attention to " then gets up and walks into flower bed

> > and starts picking the petals off the flowers....I got upset and

> > yelled " stop it " he started crying a big heartbroken cry......the

> > worst part...I think I really wanted to yell " stop it, stop being

> > autistic " ....I know how awful that sounds and I feel so badly for

> > even thinking it.....I never should have yelled. really is a

> > great boy. Its was just between chasing him and being upset, I

> > just lost it. I guess the reality of this being a life time issue

> > that isn't going away over night has hit me. I know I shouldn't

> > expect to be able to do things like gardening. I knew when I planned

> > to become a mother that I had to give up things and it is worth it.

> > I normally am not bothered by not doing some of the adult hobbies

> > because the time with the boys is so wonderful.......

> > >

> > > Ok I am just rambling trying to excuse my behavior........I wonder

> > if after all the years of planning if we are going to have to move to

> > a different safer piece of land..I hope I can just spend a sh*tload

> > of money on fences.

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