For women only

[Guest guest]

Power Outage

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a

seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and

conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I

was there and asked the man. " So...what are you here for? "

Talk about a show stopper. Dead silence, just as " Nurse Ratchet " announced my

name in her best baritone voice. I thought, " Great..a name to match the idiot. "

I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the

corner, I was met with, " Hi! I'm Belinda! " This perky clipboard carrier smiled

from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, " Allll I need you to

do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this

gown. Everything clearrrr? "

I'm thinking, " Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science. " Belinda skipped

away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man

invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size

38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and

everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a

cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and

said, " Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and move in a tad so we can get

everything? " Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised and out of air, so why

not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt,

" zap! " Complete darkness. " What? " I yelled. " Oh, maintenance is working. Bet

they hit a snag. "

Belinda headed for the door. " Excuse me! You're not leaving are you? " I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, " Oh, you fussy puppy.... the door's wide open so

you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk! "

Before I could shout " NO! " , she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and

Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me

dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite, " Hi, how's it going, "

type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew

the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible.

" Uh, yes...yes, we did, thanks. "

" You bet, take care, " Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been

standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no

attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. " Oh, I am soooo sorry! The power

came back on and I so totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.

Are we upset? "

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...