Pain, anger and recklessness

[Guest guest]

Gosh, I really hate my legs!! Yep, yet again my troublesome left

knee has caused me to get a closer look at my carpet. I was just

clambering back to my feet having shuffled up the stairs on my bum,

when my knee just popped out and gave way completely again. I went

down with the full force on my knee too which has only complicated

matters - thankfully I was able to protect my left arm somewhat

avoiding damaging my recovering shoulder and messed up wrist

further. I am generally shaken up with the fall of course, but my

knee is just going crazy.

It is painful form the dislocation and the impact too, as it seems

to have jolted back into joint and then jumped upwards when I've

bashed it too. It's still sitting rather twisted and I think it may

be pressing on a nerve too as my foot is quite tingly and just not

quite right. I can't bend my leg and I'm struggling to put any

weight through it especially as I can't use two crutches because of

my arm....am actually relaying on my Dad to half support and half

carry me right now.

I've taken some hefty painkillers, but it's still very sore. I just

hope I can get some sleep and it settles overnight, if not I will

have to mention it to my OS when I see him tomorrow afternoon.

Something I really hope isn't necessary as poor Mac gets rather

unsettled and green at the prospect of handling my freaky knees. To

be honest, the way I feel at the moment I'd gladly just let him hack

it off as it is pretty darned useless. I am so tired of constant

pain, dislocations and falls, I really just don't know how much more

I can take. And I am terrified of falling and damaging my shoulder

again or doing more upper body damage too.

I am still contemplating the possibility of AK amputation of my left

leg. But the stark truth is that both of my legs are failing rapidly

meaning the wheelchair is looming larger by the day and the reality

of that scares the heck out of me still. I know it's not as bad as I

think it will be, but it's a huge step to go from county class

runner and three day event rider to wheelchair bound cripple in

little over 5 years. I'm sorry for whinging I feel so guilty as

there are people so much worse than I am...but I feel so very angry

that I would give anything to have working legs, yet constantly see

fit, healthy people abusing the incredible privilege they have.

Perfectly normal people using disabled parking slots, driving a few

yards rather than walk it and pumping their bodies full of junk and

chemicals. Apologies for the vent, I get so bloody cross at the way

people take for granted something I would give almost anything for

though.

You know because of my pain and anger, I am actually feeling really

reckless and stupid right now as the fact my time walking is coming

to an end. You're all going to think I am completely nuts and I know

that there is Buckley's chance of this happening, but you know what

I would really love to do before I completely lose my legs? I want

to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge raising money for EDS research.

It's a ridiculous dream and I know full well that it's very unlikely

I would be allowed to do so.... but it still doesn't stop me hoping

and dreaming!

Oh well, here's to dreams and reaching for the stars, you never know

I may yet just reach the moon instead! Thank you for listening.

Love and hugs.....Jo

xxx