back from hospital/rant very long sorry?

[Guest guest]

II'm finally back from the hospital and able to get on the computer again.

This time my hip was much more painful then usual and the bottom part of my leg

was also twisted and my foot was stuck 180 in the wrong direction and I can't

normally turn it that far half as far yes. So before they reduced me at the

hospital they hd to have my leg part way off the bed so my foot was more

comfortable. You should see trying to shove me into the struck to get to

the hospital with the way my leg is stuck I take up almost 3/4 of the bench it's

a good thing I'm fairly small or else I wouldn't fit at all. I have scott drop

me off on is way to work, there is no point in him having to wait while they do

there thing and then admit me, he might as well be at work where he can at least

keep himself busy. He worries so much about me, I'm very lucky to have him in

my life, he has stuck by me through so many things and I told him I would

understand if he had to leave. I knew he loved me and I was very sick at the

time and if he wasn't able to do it that would have been okay. He told me that

it was hard and he had thought about it but if something was going to happen to

me he wanted to be there with me. By the time I was fixed up (drug induced

Parkinson's) it turned out I had likely less then 2 weeks. which is scary and

it was a year later told me what life was like for him for 7 long months.

What I was trying to say before I got off track was that is the love of my

life and he has always been there for me. He told me that he thinks the reason

God spared him when things that he should have died because of but didn't was

that one of god's purposes for him on earth is to love,be with and take care of

me. This is a man who never used to express his feelings, for fear of getting

hurt. Now he tells me he loves me every day, he tells his sisters he loves

them, my mother and our nieces and nephews. The first time he said it to his

mom and dad when we were leaving their house I thought his mom was going to pass

out. His family doesn't tell each other how they fell about each other much.

They have actually started more since has and now he will cry, not hold it

in until he gets ornery and then just bursts but he lets his feelings out.

Sorry I'm getting off track but it shows how lucky I am to have . The

night shift Dr left me for the day shift because it was very close, my leg was

reduced and I was in a room with my telephone and tv hooked up by 9am. My leg

goes through some pattern the spasms start out at a fairly rapid pace and stay

that way for a few days, then they will start to spasm very very hard for 2 to 4

days then they will slow down again once they slow down I can go home and one of

my bindings can normally come off. the spasms may not stop completely for

awhile that's why they started releasing me from the hospital after they slow

down. Friday the Dr told me they may have to send me home because there are

rally no beds left in the hospital, he checked that night and decided he would

decide the next day. Sat he came in and asked how I was doing I told him the

heavy spasms just started so things were on the right track, he asked if I would

be okay with going home. I told him I was nervous but I would and he gave me

the pills I was getting there and they put me on bed rest with bathroom

privelidges. Sat my leg shook so bad all day it was all I could do to get up to

go to tehe bathroom, Sun it started shaking harder then ever and the pain was

indescibable. I called the hospital and toalked to the Dr I had had and he had

me take some extra of my baclofen and clonazepam and see if that settled things

down. Sometime Sun night the spasms stopped but I felt the pressure and paine I

feel when my leg pulls out. Mon took me back to the hospital on his way

to work. The Dr who discharged me (he didn't want to and one of the nurses said

when I left Sat to remember to come back if I had to and the Dr said the same)

reduced my leg and he kept me in emerg all day to try and see if they could

stabalize me enough to send me home. I was in emerg when came back from

work the dr asked how I felt about going home. I told him I was scared because

my spasms piccked up right back where they stopped when it pulled out again. I

asked scott what he thought and he told the dr he felt I would be safer aat the

hospital. That was fine I was readmitted and I told the dr it would probably be

Tues or Wed when my spasms slowed down. The next day the dr on rounds was the

one Dr who has told me to my face I am an addict and I want attention. She came

in and asked if the nurses told me I was going home the nurse who was at the

door looked at me like she had no idea what the dr was talking about. I told

her the dr who admitted me said that my leg would be checked on and we would

decide day by day. She told me he wasn't on and that there was nothing they

could do for me at the hospital and I was going home. The only reason I didn't

panic was the spasms were getting where I knew they would likey slow down that

night or the next day and I would likely have gone home the next day. It's just

that my leg is getting stuck out more and more often. The last few months I

have been in the hospital every month, this time I was days under a month and it

looks like I won't be having my surgery until Jan 2005 at the earliest. The dr

wrote in my chart that everytime I go in they will send it to the surgeon so he

will know how bad I am getting and hopefully I can get in sooner. The surgeon

is really nice it's just his secretary everytime I call the first thing she says

to me is this won't make your surgery any sooner. She is so different from my

shoulder surgeon's secretary, she is the sweetest person and she works to do

whats best for every patient and the Dr at the same time. If she wants him to

know something she will put a note on my file and keep putting my file on the

top of his stack every day until he has time to look at the file then she calls

me and tells me what he says. Thank you for all your prayers and warm wishes.

I know I am not active on the list very often but I do try to follow along

and keep up on what's been going on. I don't normally do what I just did and

make people have to hear about some of my garbage. I know this isn't even a

quarter of what's going on with me and my problems so i know everybody else is

in the same boat and don't need to hear my stuff. I know this is a safe place

to let things go. I have never been good at telling people or talking to people

about what's going on with me. I always feel like it's my job to listen not

tell. That (my mom says ) is one of my biggest problems. I normally downplay

what's going on with me and when i'm out I generally push myself and do much

more then I should and I suffer later. The problem with that is people don't

see how bad off I really am and when I admit something is wrong or something

happens some peopel ( generally a certain couple of aunts of mine and some of

scotts family and of course my dad) think I'm exaggerating or trying to get

attention. Let me tell you I would not do any of this for attention if I wanted

attention I would peirce something or get a tatoo not end up in the hospital,

have my shoulder blade fused, rip out my fusion or any the other number of

problems noone except a few close people know i have. I don't get it, I

accepted a long time ago that I will probably not live to a ripe old age like

most of the people in my family do. and I after much sould searchng and

talking to Dr's, physio, nurses decided that we would not have chhildren. I was

told that it would or could seriously hurt me and there was/is a good chance I

would never walk again and many other things if I decided to have children.

This is because of the problems I personally have. This breaks our hearts and

everyday I wish I had gotten pregnant years ago before I knew what the

consequences would be. our families don't seem to get how hard this is on us.

they talk about the other grandchildren and all these things and don't seem to

care how broken hearted weare. they don't even seem to care that there will be

no grandchildren from us and that hurts me something awful. My dad I expected

that from but not scott's family. I do have one exciting thing in mid aug I

will be watching my niece (who will just be 1 then) and my nephew (who will be

10) for 2 weeks because there babysittr is not available. My niece spends her

days downstairs so my brother will carry her down in the morning and any

unexpected lifting my nephew can do. We also have a family friend who lives

about 10 minutes away who has said she will help anytime I need her. I am so

excited I am there godmother and I am very close with my brother. I don't like

the idea of being away from scott for 2 weeks but he understands and they know I

will only back out if I have no choice.

I am so sorry this has gotten so long and about so many different things.

I just needed to get them off my chest. Thank you very much for being out

there.