Daughter Assaulted

[Guest guest]

Child Molesting—Every Mother’s Nightmare

FOR

the young mother, it was a nightmare come true. When her four-year-old daughter

complained of abdominal pains, she took her to see a doctor. The doctor, after

a thorough examination, gravely told the mother that her little girl was the

victim of sexual molestation. She had been raped. The mother informed the New York City authorities, who quickly determined that the

abuse occurred at a Bronx, New York,

day-care center.

Investigations

at the center yielded horrifying results. First one, then another, then still

another child revealed that they, too, had been molested. At least 30 children

eventually claimed that they had been abused in that same center. One of them

had gonorrhea. Then reports surfaced that children had been molested at another

day-care center. Then at another. Eventually seven day-care centers had to be

investigated in the New York City

area alone.

As

each new case was publicized, reports of child molesting started coming in from

other parts of the country. The scandal spread. Parents asked one another:

“What’s happening?” What indeed! Was this just a freakish rash of molestation

incidents? Or was it something very widespread that was only now being noticed?

A Widespread Problem

The

fact is, sexual molestation of children has been going on for a long time and

today it is widespread. In 1983,

the head of New York City’s

Advisory Task Force on Rape reported ‘a dramatic increase in the number of

young children who are victims of rape, incest, and other forms of sexual

abuse.’ Dr. Finkelhor of the Family Violence Research Program at the

University of New Hampshire conducted a large-scale

study of the subject. He found that the children of 9 percent of the parents

interviewed had been sexually abused. Fifteen percent of the women and 6

percent of the men had themselves been sexually abused as children!

Exact

statistics are difficult to come by. In the United States, the National Center

on Child Abuse and Neglect has records of 55,399 cases of children

being sexually molested in one year. But these are only cases of incestuous

abuse. Abuse by friends, neighbors, teachers, and so forth—as well as by

strangers—would increase that figure to a considerable extent.

And a spokesman for the Child Welfare League of America told Awake! that “the figures we have are only

the tip of the iceberg.”

A

report in the magazine Ladies Home Journal

estimates: “Sexual abuse of young girls is four times more common than rape of

adult women. Between the ages of five and 13, one in four little girls falls

prey to some form of sexual abuse by adults—whether it be exhibitionism,

inappropriate fondling, rape, or incest. Although young females are the most

common victims, 20 to 25 percent of those attacked are little boys.”

Doctors

are convinced of the harmful and long-term effects of such abuse. Hence,

parents wonder: ‘Are my children at risk? What steps can I take to protect

them? What sort of person would try to harm them?’

Child Molesting—You

Can Protect Your

Child

A

YOUNG woman who was molested as a girl by her brother and her brother-in-law

says: “I was afraid, so I did not tell anyone. For this reason, I would like to

warn all parents: ‘Please teach your children not to let anyone in the family,

or outside the family, put their hands on them in any wrong way. If anyone

tries to, do not be afraid to tell on them.’” She adds: “It can happen to any

child at any time!”

In

this degenerating world, we must take definite steps to protect our children

from sexual molestation. It is not wise to leave things to chance and just hope

that nothing will happen.

The First Line of Defense

The

first line of defense is to avoid situations that leave our children

vulnerable. For example, parents are advised to be careful about using as

baby-sitters young adults who seem to prefer being with children rather than

with folks their own age. One clinical psychologist reports that two thirds of

the molesters he is treating committed the offense while baby-sitting.

Dr.

Suzanne M. Sgroi mentions two more situations that have led to trouble:

Children doubling up (in beds or rooms) with adults or teenagers, and large

family gatherings where the grown-ups get involved in enjoying themselves and

just assume that the older children are taking care of the young ones.

The

truth is, the more we can keep our children under our own supervision, the less

opportunity molesters will have to get at them. Ann, a mother of three, goes to

the extent of not allowing her youngest child, a 14-year-old boy, to wander

around the shopping mall—or even to go into public rest rooms—alone. The boy

probably finds this very restrictive, but his mother has her reasons. She was

molested as a child.

However,

parents cannot always keep such a close watch on their children. Working

parents may have no choice but to use day-care facilities or to leave their

children with relatives or baby-sitters. Children have to go to school, and

parents cannot always be with them. Relatives and friends come to visit. And

then there are the neighbors! How can we protect our children when they

are so vulnerable? Really, there is only one way—

Talk to Your Child About the Danger

Psychologist

Debrah Shulman said: “It’s foolish to pretend to children that dangers do not

exist. Children are aware of their vulnerability and are naturally concerned

about their own safety. It’s part of a parent’s job to give them the tools to

deal with danger realistically. If presented honestly and positively such

information will not threaten children, it will reassure them.” Yes, we have to

talk to them about it.

This

is easy to say but not so easy to do, especially since the greatest danger is

from friends and relatives. We may already have warned our children against the

stranger who wants to lure them into the woods or carry them away in a car. But

how can we give them “the tools” to protect themselves from ones they know,

respect, and even love?

Follow Their Instincts

Ann,

the mother referred to previously, reports that she was only five years old

when a male relative molested her. Nevertheless, she knew that he was doing

something wrong, although she did not know how to stop him. And, unhappily, she

could not talk to her parents about it. The lines of communication were not

very good at that time.

Ann’s

experience demonstrates that children usually have a natural sense of what is

fit and proper. We have to reinforce this instinct, tell them that they should

obey it even if an adult tells them differently. A simple and determined “No, I

don’t want you to do that!” is often enough to deter a molester. Ann’s

experience also shows the need for open lines of communication with our

children.

Recently

a husband and wife were discussing this problem between themselves. Becoming

concerned, they asked their child if she had ever been molested. To their

horror, the child said yes. An old and trusted friend of the family had

repeatedly done so. The family had excellent communication with their children,

so why had the child not said something before? Simply because she did not know

how. Once the subject was mentioned, the child was more than willing to discuss

it.

How Can We Tell Them?

First,

we have to bring the subject up. One suggestion is that if ever a scandal is

reported in the news, parents could use it as an opportunity to ask their

children: “Did anyone ever do anything like that to you?” and then go on to

tell them how to act if anyone tries to.

Parents

who teach their children about the Bible can use parts of it as a starting

point. They can use the story of Dinah, the daughter of , to explain the

boundaries that exist in what one person may do to another. (Genesis 34:1-4)

The story of Tamar and Amnon can be used to show that there are things that

even close relatives are not permitted to do to each other. (2

13:10-16) And we should make sure they understand that if something like that

does happen to them, we want to know about it. We will not get angry with them

if they tell us.

was molested when she was a little girl, so she made very sure to put her three

daughters on guard against molesters. How did she do it? As soon as they were

old enough to understand, she told them: “If anyone touches you in the wrong

place, tell me and I will not be angry.” How would they know where the wrong

places are? says that when they were about three years old she showed

them. When she was bathing them or getting them ready for bed, she pointed out

the parts of their body that other people should not touch. As they got a

little older, she presented situations: “Nobody should touch you there, even if

it is a schoolteacher or a policeman. Not even Mummy or Daddy should touch you

there. And a doctor should only touch you there if Mummy or Daddy is with you!”

Did

this work? remembers one occasion when a relative was playing with her

six-year-old daughter. The things the relative was doing started to make the

little girl feel uncomfortable. What did she do? She just walked away from him.

is not sure whether the relative had bad intentions or not. But she is

delighted that her daughter was able to walk away from the situation when it

started to feel “not right,” or “strange.”

Hence,

just as parents warn their children against going off with strangers, playing

in a busy street, and putting their hands on electric wires, they should also

tell them about avoiding molestation. They should explain the boundaries on

their bodies that others—even their own parents—should not transgress. They

should clearly state that if something does

happen, they want to know about it. And they will not blame the children.

The “What if . . . ?” Game

Sometimes

adults will use their greater experience and intelligence to deceive children

into joining them in some inappropriate activity, and children may not spot the

deception without help. So Tschirhart Sanford, author of the book The Silent

Children, suggests a tool that

could be used to counter this in advance: the “What if . . . ?”

game. From time to time, ask the children what they would do in certain

situations: “What if the baby sitter said that you could stay up late watching

television if you got in the bathtub with him and played games? What would you

tell him?” “What if someone you knew took you for a ride and wanted to put his

hands where he should not? What would you do?” “What would you do if an older

friend touched you in a way you did not like, or wanted to undress you and play

a secret game with you?”

In

teaching the child how to answer, parents can show that there are occasions

when they can say no to an adult. There are also occasions when they should

reveal secrets. If they are trained to say things like “I will just go and ask

Mummy first,” they will be able to discourage most potential molesters. If the child

learns the right answers in the “What if . . . ?” game, it is gaining

some good tools to protect itself. If it gives a wrong answer, well, go back

over the question and suggest a different answer.

Give Them the Words

The

following experience shows another problem that children face in the matter of

molestation: A woman relates that she was abused as a child and tried to tell

her mother about it. But she did not have the right words and could not explain

what had happened. Her mother thought that someone was just trying to be

affectionate and that the little girl had misunderstood the situation and blown

it out of proportion.

Because

of similar experiences, social workers encourage parents to tell their children

the right names for parts of their bodies. Give them the vocabulary to express

themselves in case the worst happens.

Alert but Balanced

One

of a parent’s worst nightmares is that their child might be sexually molested.

However, we need to remember that most

adults are not going to molest our children. Most of our relatives love them

and would be as concerned as we are to protect them from abuse.

On the other hand, it can

happen. And merely hoping that it will not happen is not enough. The Biblical

proverb says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to

conceal himself.” (Proverbs 22:3) Hence, it is wise to be cautious, especially

in view of the times we live in. If we avoid, to the extent possible, putting

our children in situations that leave them vulnerable, if we explain to them

the boundaries that even adults are not to cross, and if we teach them how to

react in case any adult should try to cross those boundaries, then we are doing

a lot to protect our children from the molester.

The Body “Speaks”

A

child’s stress is often communicated through the body. Psychosomatic reactions,

including stomach problems, headaches, fatigue, sleep disorders, and problems

with elimination, may be signals that something is wrong.

Sharon’s hearing

loss was the climax of a period of intense loneliness. When Amy went to school,

her stomach cramps were induced by a fear of being separated from her mother.

’s constipation resulted from the tension of witnessing violent fighting

between his parents.

Sexual

molestation had physical consequences for ten-year-old . “I remember not

going to school for a week [following the rape] because I was sick,” she

recalls. The book When Your Child

Has Been Molested

explains: “The burden of carrying the molestation can stress the child into

being unhealthy.” Among the possible physical signals of such trauma are

lesions, pain during elimination, recurring stomachaches, headaches, and bone

or muscle pains that have no apparent cause.

When

illness seems psychosomatic, parents should take the signal seriously. “Whether

the child is faking or not doesn’t matter,” says Dr. Alice S. Honig.

“What’s important is the underlying problem.”

Actions Speak Louder

Than Words

A

sudden change in behavior is often a call for help. The book Giving Sorrow

Words notes: “When a good student

starts getting F’s, that deserves attention, and the same is true when a child

who was previously a troublemaker turns into an angel.”

Seven-year-old

Timmy’s sudden pattern of lying began when his mother became totally consumed

with her job. Six-year-old Adam’s sudden rude behavior was rooted in feelings

of inadequacy at school. Seven-year-old Carl’s regression to bed-wetting

displayed his craving for parental acceptance, which now seemed diverted toward

his younger sister.

Self-destructive

behavior is especially disturbing. Twelve-year-old Sara’s frequent accidents

could not be attributed to mere clumsiness. Since her parents’ divorce, hurting

herself was the way she unconsciously used to try to recapture her absent

father’s affection. Whether as simple as minor self-inflicted wounds or as

serious as a suicide attempt, aggression turned inward through self-destructive

behavior is a signal of intense stress.

Speaking From the

Heart

“Out

of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” said Jesus Christ. (

12:34) A heart that is dominated by negative feelings is usually revealed by

what the child says.

“Children

who come home saying ‘Nobody likes me’ really are telling you that they don’t

like themselves,” says Dr. Loraine Stern. The same might be true of

bragging. Though seemingly expressing the opposite of low self-esteem, boasting

about real or imagined accomplishments may be an effort to overcome deep

feelings of inadequacy.

True,

all children get sick, occasionally misbehave, and experience periodic

disappointment with themselves. But when such problems form a pattern and no

immediate cause is evident, parents should weigh the meaning of the signals.

After

examining the patterns of childhood behavior of six teenagers who were the

perpetrators of an extremely violent attack, noted: “All the

signs were there. The boys had been scrawling them across their lives for

years, but no one paid any attention. Adults saw, but they shrugged their

shoulders.”

Now more than ever, parents must be alert to recognize the

signs of childhood stress and act on them.