Re: Explaining our diseases to others...

April 22, 2002

hi~ i'm sorry that things are so tough for you right

now, i hope that everything looks up soon

*hugs*

ali

--- Liz Kelso winddancer44@...> wrote:

> I have given up trying to explain it to anyone. I

> tell my mom things like 'I can't drive long

> distances

> and stuff' and she always turns the drama on her.

> Now

> I don't explain, I just stay shut and if I'm asked

> to

> do something that I don't think I can handle, I just

> say no. I refuse to keep explaining why to the same

> people over and over again. They don't get what

> 'CHRONIC' means I guess.

>

> My mom is always making fun of me because I go to

> bed

> at 8:00pm every night. She thinks I'm lazy and

> sleep

> too much. I guess the fact that I work from 9-5 and

> take care of 2 kids by myself doesn't make me tired

> eh?

>

> Nevermind me. I'm in a lot of pain today and am very

> tired.

>

> Liz

>

> --- Darcy Stockstill catstamp@...> wrote:

> >

> > Starqueg wrote:

> >

> > > I told one of my friends that the worst part is

> > being tired all the time. She told me that

> everyone

> > is tired and if my dad would stop paying my bills

> >

> > I'd have no choice but to work.

> >

> > I've said this before to someone I worked with

> (back

> > when I was

> > working), and her response was " oh, I'm tired from

> > this weekend too! " I

> > wanted to snap back " yes, but your tiredness isn't

> > so severe that you're

> > missing one day a week " , but didn't.

> >

> > > I don't mention any of the cognitive problems or

> > the speech problems. Basically, if it affects how

> > I'm acting, I mention it. Otherwise, I feel >

> like

> > I'm complaining.

> >

> > When I don't mention something and dh finds out,

> > he's like " why didn't

> > you say something? " I tell him " because that's

> all

> > I'd be doing is

> > complaining if I did. "

> > Darcy

> >

>

> =====

> **Liz Kelso**

> " A nice pickle we have landed ourselves in, Mr.

> Frodo! " -- Samwise Gamgee.

>

> __________________________________________________

>

May 1, 2002

Hi Liz!!

Sorry to hear that your fatigue is difficult for you. I know how you feel.

Actually I really don't. I work, have a husband with a back injury, dogs,

kitties, house, but I can't imagine having the patience for kids.

You are doing a lot of work, even for somebody healthy! Being a single mom is

difficult and exausting! My mom was a single mom and she is my hero!

Even though my goal is to be Superwoman (really!!) I can't kill myself trying to

get there. I am working on getting better, and I am glad I can do things that

will help me.

My mom and a lot of other people around me are not very supportive or

understanding at all. I can't recommend stoping contact with your mom. There

is a truth to it that it makes life harder if you are surrounded by negative

people.

Maybe you can find somebody who understnds, a friend, another single mom,

somebody with fibro, somebody supportive. Of course there is this group

(!!!!!!) and I love this group, but having somebody to talk to in your area

might be helpful.

I know you can't change people, but you can change how you react to them.

I had a very long and serious talk with my mom a few weeks ago. I had to tell

her that no matter what somebody else is doing, her behavior will always be

judged independently. She came to visit and citicized EVERYTHING. What I told

her is that I am not perfect, the house is not perfect, the puppies are not

perfect, nothing I can think of right now is perfect. Besides that, her

behavior, not the fact that what she said was right (like we should clean up dog

poop in the yard more often), was what is wrong. I hope you can follow my weird

sentences :-) The point she had was right, there is dog poop in the yard and it

is yucky. Where she is wrong and where her behavior gets judged independently

of how much dog poop there was, is that her whole visit was aggrevating. It is

not appropriate to tell (adult!!) what to do, when, how. I do the best I can,

end of story.

I was really upset about the realization that I can only have my mom come visit

when I'm doing good. She offered to come and help when we were moving. I had

to tell her that moving alone is stressful enough, I can't handle her at the

same time. I explained to her that this is not the relationship I want to have

with her. But it is up to her to change HER behavior, so I can have her around.

The point that she did understand was that her behavior does not change

anything! I don't suddenly pick up after the dogs every day, just because she

criticized me for having trashed a great yard.

The end result is, concerning the dog poop, the same, but in the end it hurts

our relationship.

I will try to find some self-help type books for her to read. Maybe The Dance

of Anger. It talks about breaking out of behavioral habits.

It tought me a lot about how my responding behavior interlinks with the behavior

of another person.

You can't MAKE people understand, but I didn't give up trying.

I hope that overall, including this group, you have more supporters than

critics!!

Take care,