Re: life worth living

[Guest guest]

> Hi Pam

The adjustment moments occur throughout our lives. It seems you've spent a lot

of your life serving and now it is time to be served. Remember it takes grace

to recieve and think of the opportunity you provide for you husband and children

to understand the gift of serving you. I'm not trying to sugar coat it all.

These changes really suck. The pain, fatigue... are emotionally exhausting.

Somethings that you can do while in bed are books on tape, relaxation tapes,

visualization tapes. Maybe you could volunteer by sealing envelopes while in

bed. Try to imagine the possibilities. If you could imagine your husband or

children with a disability and they we wondering if life was worth living..what

would you say to them? My prayers are with you.

Take care

Kathy

>

> Date: Thu, 25 Apr 2002 05:59:36 -0000

>

> Subject: Is This a Life Worth Living?

>

> Hello to Everyone:

>

> I am new to the group and apologize for the subject line, but the

> subject is on my mind, and I would value any input from those of you

> who have been through the adjustment stage of life before FMS and

> accepting the fact that you will be living with it for the rest of

> your life.

>

> I am sure my story is not much different than most in that before FMS

> I was active, glad to wake up each morning, passionate about my life -

> being a wife, mother, friend to those I love, weaving, painting,

> drawing, and several other artistic fields of endeavor. Heck, I

> even enjoyed doing the laundry - Okay, maybe not the laundry...but I

> was glad to be serving my family and friends and being an active

> participant in their lives.

>

> I have now been in bed for the better part of 13 months.

>

> A good day for me is when I can spend 2 to 3 hours (maximum) out of

> bed (but only if I take breaks) I can no longer move without

> stopping to rest about every 20 to 30 minutes or I will pay for it

> big time if I don't. And although this may not sound like a great

> life to some, I believe I had finally accepted that my life would be

> much less active, but still worth living.

>

> However, for the last three and a half weeks I have had only

> two " good " days. The others were spent in bed in great pain (is

> that an oxymoron?). I usually deal with it emotionally and mentally

> rather well considering, but whatever brought this " flare " about has

> me in a mental and emotional state that I have not yet experienced.

>

> I've asked my doctor (who is a wonderful person and very good MD)

> when I should start worrying about being suicidal. His response

> was, " Pam, if you start thinking about how to do it, don't wait to

> contact me. "

>

> Well, (at this point in the situation) I would not kill myself

> because of what it would do to my husband and our children. We have

> two teenage boys who are 18 and 16 years of age. Our house is full

> of love and laughter - even on my worst days, and for that I have

> been very grateful.

>

> But during this past week I have been asking myself at what

> point do I become more of a hindrance than a " help " to my family. I

> have a very good relationship with my husband and both our sons, but

> for the past 13 months 95% of these relationships have been spent in

> my bedroom due to the fact that I can't get out of the bed because

> even sitting up for more than 30 minutes brings about a level of pain

> in my hips that is close to unbearable.

>

> Although I'm sure it doesn't sound like it, my frame of mind is

> usually upbeat (thank goodness for anti-depressants!!), and up until

> this flare I have been very glad to be alive. But for almost a month

> now I feel as though I will never have another " good " day. And,

> damn, if a good day is only three hours of being able to be out of my

> bed, what do I have to look forward to? What kind of life can I look

> forward to living? How do I ask my husband to continue living with a

> person who can't go out for dinner, sit through a movie, go to

> amusement parks, share a romantic get-away, etc? He is only 42 - why

> should his life be " less " because I suffer with this illness? I

> could go on and on, but I think you understand my feelings by now.

>

> I know this must sound very melodramatic and for that I apologize,

> but I do not know how to handle the adjustment I have to make in

> order to accept living with FMS. I have read that dealing with a

> chronic illness usually requires one to go through the stages of

> grief. How does one move from the depression part of this process to

> the acceptance of living a life full of pain?

>

> I sought out a psychiatrist for help in getting through this, but our

> health insurance will not cover it, and since I had to quit working

> in March of 2001 due to FMS, we barely make ends meet; and I do not

> meet the " requirements " for free treatment.

>

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post. I will be

> very grateful for any help you might be able to give.

>

> With love and kindness,

> Pam

>