Memorial Tree - ornament on tree (squeamish folks - don't read)

[Guest guest]

I realize my mom's life is really not just an ornament

on a tree. some background here might help understand

why I got so upset.....

First, my mom never was the 'mothering' type. (enough

said there), but I stilled loved/love her very much.

She never would go to see anybody if they were

hospitalized or facing major surgeries, ie ME! It was

too much of a bother. She refused to visit any

funeral homes when someone died (except for her 4

children that predeceased her...and only because my

sister and I forced her to attend.)

She demanded that I be the one with her when she

passed...and she wanted to be at home (and I

understand the wanting to be at home as well as why

she choose me....because I have the ability to allow

someone to decide for themselves if they want to live

or give up on life)...so I was there, alone with her

when she did pass. My sister came home about 40

minutes later...and flew into the living room landing

smack on top of my mom. Now my mom had had breast

cancer, and it mestastisized to her bones, then liver,

lungs, brain - but she lived 4 years with that. so,

when my sister landed on top of Mom, the lungs were so

deteriorated and liquified that brownish/yellow fluids

started gushing from her mouth and nose.

So, whenever someone brings up my mom...and mentions

her death....I have this 'glorious' image of what I

saw. So, I find it very difficult to remember her

passing without those images replaying in my mind.

I shielded my sister from looking at the mess....and

her boyfriend pulled her off her and out of the house,

while I cleaned up the mess as best as I could. So

while she is ok with the passing and can function at

things like a public memorial ceremony...I can't. I

wish I could erase that memory and be free of it like

my sister is, but that won't be happening, and that is

probably why my mom chose me to be there, because I

had handle 'icky' situations, given all I have been

through in my life. She wanted my sister spared...but

at the expense of my ability to move past what I

witnessed.

so, yes I do understand her life isn't just an

ornament, but doing these things does absolutely

nothing for me to get over it....it felt like salt on

the open would....and nobody else can even begin to

imagine what I went through that day.

Cindy Baudoux-Northrup