husband-HELP!!!

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

I am new on this site and email list, but I was online when your email was

sent out. I don't know everything and don't wish to sound as if I do, but I

have a lot of experience in this area. I directed a shelter for homeless

women and children, have run a web site dealing with chronic illness and

abuse (therefore relationships and all sorts of abuse) and have gone through

this many times myself. So I personally know what you are feeling to some

degree. I know the frustration of trying to deal with someone that you just

can't deal with because anything you do, they turn around and even if you do

just as they say to do, you still are wrong somehow. I call people like this

crazy makers. They make you crazy!!!!

I have tried everything printed that I could find in dealing with people like

this. I have tried somethings not mentioned in print and the only thing, and

I say again, the only thing I found that worked was to run and run fast! You

can spend years trying to fix it, fix yourself, fix them and still at the end

of that time, you still most likely haven't done anything but wasted years

and happiness that you could have found if you had run when it all started.

How can one be happy or healthy when someone is always attacking? How can

one share a life with someone that refuses to be happy and nice to the people

around them? How can you raise children with someone that is so unhappy they

have to make everyone unhappy around them?

Supporting oneself when ill is a major reason many stay with their crazy

makers, how I know that one so well myself. I have battled homelessness and

all I had to do to not be homeless and have what I and my children needed, so

running sometimes isn't the answer! You must use caution and care and

decided what you might be able to do with or without the crazy maker in your

life. If you are living with a person that makes everything your fault, I

wonder if he is controlling, abusive, selfish, self consummed, lacking in

parental input with any children there, concerned for the real health and

well being of anyone besides themself and if they are jealous or have rage

type problems.

Only you know what you can do and what your situation is. I have a saying

that I use to help me in situation such as this. " Be True To Yourself. " If

you cannot be true to yourself with anyone, you must question what you are

doing with the person and how good the situation is for you. If you depend

on someone to help support you because illness makes it so you cannot work,

you can be in real danger. That is where I am today. I ran, I got away from

my crazy makers and some were my own blood family. I am never sorry I ran

and got away because even homeless I was much happier without them! Yet,

when you have children that complicates everything.

If you must stay in this situation, you need all the support you can get and

to be able to find ways to calm yourself and deal with the person. It is

hard to feel loved and valued when someone treats you this way. Find others

that will value you and love you. Not meaning an affair or anything like

that, but support systems of people who really have been there and truely

understand. Even those that are sick can't understand if they have never had

a crazy maker and illness at the same time. They can have compassion, but

sometimes they just don't understand how it wares you down and robs your and

your life.

Do you like music? Do you like to take walks or anything? If you can do

anything that helps you be happy or calm, do these things. If you have a

safe freind that isn't a challenge or threat to your crazy maker, go to this

person and vent and cry, but make sure it is someone that isn't close to the

situation or they can get involved too much and affect the situation when you

don't need it! Focus on yourself and your needs and try not to let anything

that person does affect your, kind of distance yourself emotionally and don't

take it personally. You know, this person has a problem and is making it

your problem and you must protect yourself from this or you will end up

wishing to end it all in a way that isn't true to yourself or healthy for you

and your children.

I hope that I don't sound too bossy or too know it all, but I have been there

and thank god that I am not there now. I only have to live with crazy making

doctors and a system that fails to actually help the ill and the one's the

system was designed to help. I have my own crazy making situation and

believe me, I need you all to understand my own needs and not that I am

someone that thinks she knows it all. Even when we are strong and a

survivor, we still need our family and support systems! No one is strong

enough to handle all that illness and life throw at them alone!

I do hope that you can calmly find a way to get through this night and the

nights after it and know that we all will be rooting for you in whatever way

we do that! You are important, you are loved and cared about, you are

supported, we do understand and we do wish to help you in any way that we

can. For most of us have known something of this nature ourselves and we

will try to assist in any way that we can. I don't mean to talk for others

here, but I think we all wish to support and be supported or we wouldn't be

part of a site such as this one!

May Life Be Kind To You!

Donna H./Silverlocket

[Guest guest]

Hello ,

I am new on this site and email list, but I was online when your email was

sent out. I don't know everything and don't wish to sound as if I do, but I

have a lot of experience in this area. I directed a shelter for homeless

women and children, have run a web site dealing with chronic illness and

abuse (therefore relationships and all sorts of abuse) and have gone through

this many times myself. So I personally know what you are feeling to some

degree. I know the frustration of trying to deal with someone that you just

can't deal with because anything you do, they turn around and even if you do

just as they say to do, you still are wrong somehow. I call people like this

crazy makers. They make you crazy!!!!

I have tried everything printed that I could find in dealing with people like

this. I have tried somethings not mentioned in print and the only thing, and

I say again, the only thing I found that worked was to run and run fast! You

can spend years trying to fix it, fix yourself, fix them and still at the end

of that time, you still most likely haven't done anything but wasted years

and happiness that you could have found if you had run when it all started.

How can one be happy or healthy when someone is always attacking? How can

one share a life with someone that refuses to be happy and nice to the people

around them? How can you raise children with someone that is so unhappy they

have to make everyone unhappy around them?

Supporting oneself when ill is a major reason many stay with their crazy

makers, how I know that one so well myself. I have battled homelessness and

all I had to do to not be homeless and have what I and my children needed, so

running sometimes isn't the answer! You must use caution and care and

decided what you might be able to do with or without the crazy maker in your

life. If you are living with a person that makes everything your fault, I

wonder if he is controlling, abusive, selfish, self consummed, lacking in

parental input with any children there, concerned for the real health and

well being of anyone besides themself and if they are jealous or have rage

type problems.

Only you know what you can do and what your situation is. I have a saying

that I use to help me in situation such as this. " Be True To Yourself. " If

you cannot be true to yourself with anyone, you must question what you are

doing with the person and how good the situation is for you. If you depend

on someone to help support you because illness makes it so you cannot work,

you can be in real danger. That is where I am today. I ran, I got away from

my crazy makers and some were my own blood family. I am never sorry I ran

and got away because even homeless I was much happier without them! Yet,

when you have children that complicates everything.

If you must stay in this situation, you need all the support you can get and

to be able to find ways to calm yourself and deal with the person. It is

hard to feel loved and valued when someone treats you this way. Find others

that will value you and love you. Not meaning an affair or anything like

that, but support systems of people who really have been there and truely

understand. Even those that are sick can't understand if they have never had

a crazy maker and illness at the same time. They can have compassion, but

sometimes they just don't understand how it wares you down and robs your and

your life.

Do you like music? Do you like to take walks or anything? If you can do

anything that helps you be happy or calm, do these things. If you have a

safe freind that isn't a challenge or threat to your crazy maker, go to this

person and vent and cry, but make sure it is someone that isn't close to the

situation or they can get involved too much and affect the situation when you

don't need it! Focus on yourself and your needs and try not to let anything

that person does affect your, kind of distance yourself emotionally and don't

take it personally. You know, this person has a problem and is making it

your problem and you must protect yourself from this or you will end up

wishing to end it all in a way that isn't true to yourself or healthy for you

and your children.

I hope that I don't sound too bossy or too know it all, but I have been there

and thank god that I am not there now. I only have to live with crazy making

doctors and a system that fails to actually help the ill and the one's the

system was designed to help. I have my own crazy making situation and

believe me, I need you all to understand my own needs and not that I am

someone that thinks she knows it all. Even when we are strong and a

survivor, we still need our family and support systems! No one is strong

enough to handle all that illness and life throw at them alone!

I do hope that you can calmly find a way to get through this night and the

nights after it and know that we all will be rooting for you in whatever way

we do that! You are important, you are loved and cared about, you are

supported, we do understand and we do wish to help you in any way that we

can. For most of us have known something of this nature ourselves and we

will try to assist in any way that we can. I don't mean to talk for others

here, but I think we all wish to support and be supported or we wouldn't be

part of a site such as this one!

May Life Be Kind To You!

Donna H./Silverlocket

[Guest guest]

I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only a few

drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog until about

noon, then my brain starts working.

My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last night and

I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of course, he

followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at the end of

my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems, and I

can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an hour, and i'm

trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I don't have

to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I agree with

him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights with

me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the kids, he

complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end and I don't

know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

kmnewberry@...

_________________________________________________________________

Join the world’s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

http://www.hotmail.com

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

My heart goes out to you, this situation sounds very painful. It can

be unbearable when someone is angrily following you around just

wanting to fight and you just want to get away. I know how it

feels--not only are you devastated by all the horrible things he's

saying and furious at how unfair and unkind he's being, you also feel

desperately trapped. My dh (now ex) had a similar mode of action.

It is one thing when the rage is accompanied by an effort to actually

resolve the problems, but when it just becomes one person expressing

his frustration and trying to maintain a sense of control by

screaming at another, everything only gets much much worse. Sooner

or later, someone's temper explodes--yours' because he's abusing you

following you around with his accusations and insults, or his because

when you try to get away, he doesn't feel like you are listening to

him and he feels his life is even more out of control than ever. So

first, right off the bat, this needs to stop somehow, so you can

really sit down and address what needs to be addressed.

I don't know what it would take to do that. I suppose it's true that

you can't change other people, only yourself, but the problem with

that in this case is: it puts all the pressure on you to change when

you aren't really the problem -- the problem is his inibility to

express his frustration in a productive way. And you are probably so

hurt, and rightfully so, by everything he has said, that the last

thing you want to do is anything that feels like " giving in " to him

or letting him think he's right (which he isn't). Still someone has

to break the cycle. Since it probably isn't going to be him, that

leaves...you.

In order for him to quit being such an ##s#ole , I think he might

need to know that you are aware of what he's going through and how

difficult it is for him, and that you appreciate it and love him for

it, and that you believe there is something the two of you can do to

make it better. That's a huge undertaking, I know. Especially the

part about believing there is something the two of you can do to make

it better--the thing about this disease is it can erode your sense of

hope and if you don't believe the situation will get better, it will

be hard to convey otherwise to him. But it must be so difficult for

both of you--I've read enough of your posts to know you are really

into nature and hiking and an active outdoor life--you must both miss

that so much. He must miss you, the you who enjoyed the outdoors so

much. I think both of you must grieve for that person and that loss.

And speaking of getting better: I don't know what your current

situation is with doctors and all that, but are you happy with the

medical care you are getting? It doesn't sound to me like your

doctor has your pain under control at all. I know from experience

the difference that makes--I'm on a duragesic patch now and got my

life back. A lot of doctors don't like to prescribe it because it's

a narcotic but jeeesh! Your life is hell right now! One evening

worth of hiking and you are in bed for days. What are they waiting

for? Maybe your husband could redirect some of that rage to where it

belongs and help you get the doctor to actually take care of you.

Well, I've gone on long enough. I'm writing from the position of

assuming you want to work it out with your husband, which may not be

true. Maybe you would rather get a divorce but don't know how you

would make ends meet and so feel even more trapped--can't work

because you are sick, you don't feel well enough to deal with a

divorce, where would the money come from, what about the kids, etc

etc. I am very happily single--my ex and I were incompatible and

couldn't begin to deal with all the challenges brought from my

chronic illness. And he had some serious problems on top of it. I

stuck it out for much longer than I should have because I couldn't

figure out how to get away. But even so, the divorce process itself

was so horrible and my kids suffered so much that while doing through

it, I wished I'd been able to make my hellish marriage work-- even

though at the same time, I knew I'd tried everything I could. My

point is: if you and your husband still love each other and have the

basis of a good marriage--I hope you can figure out a way to get

through this because divorce is AWFUL and can suck every bit of life

out of you, not to mention time and money.

Finally--you started off mentioning not being able to drink. Yeah, I

can't either and it took years to realize that. Same thing: two

beers and I was sick for two days. This you don't need, not on top

of everything else. I felt SO much better after I finally

acknowledged it made me sick and I didn't like it that much anyway.

I bet if you get your pain under control and can get outdoors again,

alcohol won't hold as much of an appeal.

Sorry for meandering on but I was really touched by your email,

Margaret

>I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only a few

>drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog until about

>noon, then my brain starts working.

>My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last night and

>I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of course, he

>followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at the end of

>my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems, and I

>can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an hour, and i'm

>trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I don't have

>to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I agree with

>him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights with

>me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the kids, he

>complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end and I don't

>know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

>

>

>kmnewberry@...

>

>

>_________________________________________________________________

>Join the world’s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

>http://www.hotmail.com

>

>

>

>SEND POST TO: fibromyalgia-cfs

>

>HOME PAGE:http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Oaks/7127/fibromyalgia-cfs.html

>LIST OWNER: " Missy " Parrot004@...>

>UNSUBSCRIBE:fibromyalgia-cfs-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Dear ,

My heart goes out to you, this situation sounds very painful. It can

be unbearable when someone is angrily following you around just

wanting to fight and you just want to get away. I know how it

feels--not only are you devastated by all the horrible things he's

saying and furious at how unfair and unkind he's being, you also feel

desperately trapped. My dh (now ex) had a similar mode of action.

It is one thing when the rage is accompanied by an effort to actually

resolve the problems, but when it just becomes one person expressing

his frustration and trying to maintain a sense of control by

screaming at another, everything only gets much much worse. Sooner

or later, someone's temper explodes--yours' because he's abusing you

following you around with his accusations and insults, or his because

when you try to get away, he doesn't feel like you are listening to

him and he feels his life is even more out of control than ever. So

first, right off the bat, this needs to stop somehow, so you can

really sit down and address what needs to be addressed.

I don't know what it would take to do that. I suppose it's true that

you can't change other people, only yourself, but the problem with

that in this case is: it puts all the pressure on you to change when

you aren't really the problem -- the problem is his inibility to

express his frustration in a productive way. And you are probably so

hurt, and rightfully so, by everything he has said, that the last

thing you want to do is anything that feels like " giving in " to him

or letting him think he's right (which he isn't). Still someone has

to break the cycle. Since it probably isn't going to be him, that

leaves...you.

In order for him to quit being such an ##s#ole , I think he might

need to know that you are aware of what he's going through and how

difficult it is for him, and that you appreciate it and love him for

it, and that you believe there is something the two of you can do to

make it better. That's a huge undertaking, I know. Especially the

part about believing there is something the two of you can do to make

it better--the thing about this disease is it can erode your sense of

hope and if you don't believe the situation will get better, it will

be hard to convey otherwise to him. But it must be so difficult for

both of you--I've read enough of your posts to know you are really

into nature and hiking and an active outdoor life--you must both miss

that so much. He must miss you, the you who enjoyed the outdoors so

much. I think both of you must grieve for that person and that loss.

And speaking of getting better: I don't know what your current

situation is with doctors and all that, but are you happy with the

medical care you are getting? It doesn't sound to me like your

doctor has your pain under control at all. I know from experience

the difference that makes--I'm on a duragesic patch now and got my

life back. A lot of doctors don't like to prescribe it because it's

a narcotic but jeeesh! Your life is hell right now! One evening

worth of hiking and you are in bed for days. What are they waiting

for? Maybe your husband could redirect some of that rage to where it

belongs and help you get the doctor to actually take care of you.

Well, I've gone on long enough. I'm writing from the position of

assuming you want to work it out with your husband, which may not be

true. Maybe you would rather get a divorce but don't know how you

would make ends meet and so feel even more trapped--can't work

because you are sick, you don't feel well enough to deal with a

divorce, where would the money come from, what about the kids, etc

etc. I am very happily single--my ex and I were incompatible and

couldn't begin to deal with all the challenges brought from my

chronic illness. And he had some serious problems on top of it. I

stuck it out for much longer than I should have because I couldn't

figure out how to get away. But even so, the divorce process itself

was so horrible and my kids suffered so much that while doing through

it, I wished I'd been able to make my hellish marriage work-- even

though at the same time, I knew I'd tried everything I could. My

point is: if you and your husband still love each other and have the

basis of a good marriage--I hope you can figure out a way to get

through this because divorce is AWFUL and can suck every bit of life

out of you, not to mention time and money.

Finally--you started off mentioning not being able to drink. Yeah, I

can't either and it took years to realize that. Same thing: two

beers and I was sick for two days. This you don't need, not on top

of everything else. I felt SO much better after I finally

acknowledged it made me sick and I didn't like it that much anyway.

I bet if you get your pain under control and can get outdoors again,

alcohol won't hold as much of an appeal.

Sorry for meandering on but I was really touched by your email,

Margaret

>I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only a few

>drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog until about

>noon, then my brain starts working.

>My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last night and

>I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of course, he

>followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at the end of

>my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems, and I

>can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an hour, and i'm

>trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I don't have

>to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I agree with

>him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights with

>me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the kids, he

>complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end and I don't

>know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

>

>

>kmnewberry@...

>

>

>_________________________________________________________________

>Join the world’s largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

>http://www.hotmail.com

>

>

>

>SEND POST TO: fibromyalgia-cfs

>

>HOME PAGE:http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Oaks/7127/fibromyalgia-cfs.html

>LIST OWNER: " Missy " Parrot004@...>

>UNSUBSCRIBE:fibromyalgia-cfs-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

---too bad you can't drink alcohol and then crack him over the head

with the empty bottle! Sounds like he is seriously cranky because he

cannot control this situation.

My (now ex) husband went to the other extreme. He pampered me

and ...took whatever I wanted to do out of my hands and gave it to

someone else to do!

I can't really say which is worse, the b*tcher or the pleaser...

I am a single parent having a rollicking good time in a dirty house

with 2 kids who don't expect too much from me. The apartment is cozy

and there isn't enough room for the grown kids to come back with

their kids. Landlord just wouldn't have it, y'all. I even went back

to school after this great looking jewish guy with a big...you get

the picture... told me I could do it!

Anybody remember the Gin Blossoms? New Miserable Experience is the

CD. 2nd song, " Jealousy " :

" if you don't expect too much from me, you might no be let down... "

In @y..., " Blueberry " wrote:

> I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only

a few

> drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog

until about

> noon, then my brain starts working.

> My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last

night and

> I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of

course, he

> followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at

the end of

> my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems,

and I

> can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an

hour, and i'm

> trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I

don't have

> to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I

agree with

> him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights

with

> me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the

kids, he

> complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end

and I don't

> know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

>

>

> kmnewberry@h...

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Join the world's largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

> http://www.hotmail.com

[Guest guest]

---too bad you can't drink alcohol and then crack him over the head

with the empty bottle! Sounds like he is seriously cranky because he

cannot control this situation.

My (now ex) husband went to the other extreme. He pampered me

and ...took whatever I wanted to do out of my hands and gave it to

someone else to do!

I can't really say which is worse, the b*tcher or the pleaser...

I am a single parent having a rollicking good time in a dirty house

with 2 kids who don't expect too much from me. The apartment is cozy

and there isn't enough room for the grown kids to come back with

their kids. Landlord just wouldn't have it, y'all. I even went back

to school after this great looking jewish guy with a big...you get

the picture... told me I could do it!

Anybody remember the Gin Blossoms? New Miserable Experience is the

CD. 2nd song, " Jealousy " :

" if you don't expect too much from me, you might no be let down... "

In @y..., " Blueberry " wrote:

> I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only

a few

> drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog

until about

> noon, then my brain starts working.

> My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last

night and

> I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of

course, he

> followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at

the end of

> my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems,

and I

> can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an

hour, and i'm

> trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I

don't have

> to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I

agree with

> him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights

with

> me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the

kids, he

> complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end

and I don't

> know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

>

>

> kmnewberry@h...

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Join the world's largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

> http://www.hotmail.com

[Guest guest]

---too bad you can't drink alcohol and then crack him over the head

with the empty bottle! Sounds like he is seriously cranky because he

cannot control this situation.

My (now ex) husband went to the other extreme. He pampered me

and ...took whatever I wanted to do out of my hands and gave it to

someone else to do!

I can't really say which is worse, the b*tcher or the pleaser...

I am a single parent having a rollicking good time in a dirty house

with 2 kids who don't expect too much from me. The apartment is cozy

and there isn't enough room for the grown kids to come back with

their kids. Landlord just wouldn't have it, y'all. I even went back

to school after this great looking jewish guy with a big...you get

the picture... told me I could do it!

Anybody remember the Gin Blossoms? New Miserable Experience is the

CD. 2nd song, " Jealousy " :

" if you don't expect too much from me, you might no be let down... "

In @y..., " Blueberry " wrote:

> I can't drink alcohol at all...I get sick for days, even after only

a few

> drinks--and i've always been this way. I have severe fibrofog

until about

> noon, then my brain starts working.

> My husband is giving me problems again...he started to fight last

night and

> I walked out onto the deck (to get away from him mainly), and of

course, he

> followed me out to the deck so he could keep fighting....I am at

the end of

> my rope with him, everything is my fault, I have all the problems,

and I

> can't stop crying today, and he is coming home from work in an

hour, and i'm

> trying to figure out where I can go (or what I can do) so that I

don't have

> to be around him and listen to him try and start a fight. If I

agree with

> him, he fights, if I walk away, he fights, if I argue, he fights

with

> me....what am I suppose to do?? He complains when I discipline the

kids, he

> complains because I DONT discipline them.....I am at my wits end

and I don't

> know what he wants from me!!! Fibrofriends HELP!!!!

>

>

> kmnewberry@h...

>

>

> _________________________________________________________________

> Join the world's largest e-mail service with MSN Hotmail.

> http://www.hotmail.com

[Guest guest]

--- Well said! (and it would never fit in a bottle but this is the

proverbial message-in-a-bottle, . Take it out and read it again

and again and again. I found this out the hard way myself way before

fibro. Hell, my first husband could play a big part in my fibro;

he's still a crazy-maker; he's just somebody else's crazy-maker)

In @y..., silversdesk@c... wrote:

> Hello ,

>

> I am new on this site and email list, but I was online when your

email was

> sent out. I don't know everything and don't wish to sound as if I

do, but I

> have a lot of experience in this area. I directed a shelter for

homeless

> women and children, have run a web site dealing with chronic

illness and

> abuse (therefore relationships and all sorts of abuse) and have

gone through

> this many times myself. So I personally know what you are feeling

to some

> degree. I know the frustration of trying to deal with someone that

you just

> can't deal with because anything you do, they turn around and even

if you do

> just as they say to do, you still are wrong somehow. I call people

like this

> crazy makers. They make you crazy!!!!

>

> I have tried everything printed that I could find in dealing with

people like

> this. I have tried somethings not mentioned in print and the only

thing, and

> I say again, the only thing I found that worked was to run and run

fast! You

> can spend years trying to fix it, fix yourself, fix them and still

at the end

> of that time, you still most likely haven't done anything but

wasted years

> and happiness that you could have found if you had run when it all

started.

> How can one be happy or healthy when someone is always attacking?

How can

> one share a life with someone that refuses to be happy and nice to

the people

> around them? How can you raise children with someone that is so

unhappy they

> have to make everyone unhappy around them?

>

> Supporting oneself when ill is a major reason many stay with their

crazy

> makers, how I know that one so well myself. I have battled

homelessness and

> all I had to do to not be homeless and have what I and my children

needed, so

> running sometimes isn't the answer! You must use caution and care

and

> decided what you might be able to do with or without the crazy

maker in your

> life. If you are living with a person that makes everything your

fault, I

> wonder if he is controlling, abusive, selfish, self consummed,

lacking in

> parental input with any children there, concerned for the real

health and

> well being of anyone besides themself and if they are jealous or

have rage

> type problems.

>

> Only you know what you can do and what your situation is. I have a

saying

> that I use to help me in situation such as this. " Be True To

Yourself. " If

> you cannot be true to yourself with anyone, you must question what

you are

> doing with the person and how good the situation is for you. If

you depend

> on someone to help support you because illness makes it so you

cannot work,

> you can be in real danger. That is where I am today. I ran, I got

away from

> my crazy makers and some were my own blood family. I am never

sorry I ran

> and got away because even homeless I was much happier without

them! Yet,

> when you have children that complicates everything.

>

> If you must stay in this situation, you need all the support you

can get and

> to be able to find ways to calm yourself and deal with the person.

It is

> hard to feel loved and valued when someone treats you this way.

Find others

> that will value you and love you. Not meaning an affair or

anything like

> that, but support systems of people who really have been there and

truely

> understand. Even those that are sick can't understand if they have

never had

> a crazy maker and illness at the same time. They can have

compassion, but

> sometimes they just don't understand how it wares you down and robs

your and

> your life.

>

> Do you like music? Do you like to take walks or anything? If you

can do

> anything that helps you be happy or calm, do these things. If you

have a

> safe freind that isn't a challenge or threat to your crazy maker,

go to this

> person and vent and cry, but make sure it is someone that isn't

close to the

> situation or they can get involved too much and affect the

situation when you

> don't need it! Focus on yourself and your needs and try not to let

anything

> that person does affect your, kind of distance yourself emotionally

and don't

> take it personally. You know, this person has a problem and is

making it

> your problem and you must protect yourself from this or you will

end up

> wishing to end it all in a way that isn't true to yourself or

healthy for you

> and your children.

>

> I hope that I don't sound too bossy or too know it all, but I have

been there

> and thank god that I am not there now. I only have to live with

crazy making

> doctors and a system that fails to actually help the ill and the

one's the

> system was designed to help. I have my own crazy making situation

and

> believe me, I need you all to understand my own needs and not that

I am

> someone that thinks she knows it all. Even when we are strong and

a

> survivor, we still need our family and support systems! No one is

strong

> enough to handle all that illness and life throw at them alone!

>

> I do hope that you can calmly find a way to get through this night

and the

> nights after it and know that we all will be rooting for you in

whatever way

> we do that! You are important, you are loved and cared about, you

are

> supported, we do understand and we do wish to help you in any way

that we

> can. For most of us have known something of this nature ourselves

and we

> will try to assist in any way that we can. I don't mean to talk

for others

> here, but I think we all wish to support and be supported or we

wouldn't be

> part of a site such as this one!

>

> May Life Be Kind To You!

> Donna H./Silverlocket

>

>

>