Guest guest Posted May 6, 2002 Report Share Posted May 6, 2002 brokendovebird wrote: > > how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for > them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u > things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... Unfortunately, we are just all human and react differently to different things. Some people promise with the best of intentions, but find they can not keep their promises. Others will tell you anything just to get you " off their back " , and have no intentions of doing what they say. We all have different ideas of what support is too, and we expect that others will instinctively know what we want and how to do it. For example, a friend of mine feels that being supportive means you'll call every day when someone isn't feeling good, so if she knows I'm down, she'll call every day. To me, that isn't being supportive, that's taking time and energy away from dealing with being sick, so I don't want to be called every day. If she is down, I feel like calling every day is intruding, so I don't call. This makes her feel unsupported, so we had to work things out so we understand where the other is coming from. Dealing with someone who has a chronic illness on a long term basis is hard! The other person isn't always sure what the best way to do things is and also they're not always sure we really do know what's best for us. That's a trait quite a few people have, they think that their way is better, so that's the way they treat us. Have you tried sitting down and actually talking this whole matter over with your parents? If they're not comfortable weighting on you hand and foot, can they agree to bring you something once a day? On days where you feel extra bad? Can they make an extra sandwich for you when they make theirs, but you agree to physically come get it? The ideal situation would be if they would help you as much as you need, but that doesn't always work with family members, so try to work out a compromise if you can. > > all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me > he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and > again.... Again, it's unfortunately, but just because you want something doesn't mean that's what you'll get or even that it is best for you. I have days where I'd really love it if dh stayed home and helped get me things, but I can't ask him to do that, because it's not what is best for us. He needs to be seen as a reliable person at his work place, so I only ask him to stay on the very worst of days. You fiancé is probably getting mad because he feels like you're asking him to do things he isn't happy/comfortable/able to do. My friend mentioned above is a very clingy sort of a person. She would be absolutely happy if we talked every day, and got together at least once a week. I'm sorry, but I feel smothered at that level of contact, so I can't do it. I'm sorry it hurts her and makes her feel bad, but I know it would be bad for our friendship on down the road. You need to work out a level of contact with your fiancé that works for both of you. This means a compromise of sorts. If his whole life becomes wrapped up with you and your illness, then there can be problems on down the road. He needs to have an outlet too. Have you gone to the doctor about antidepressants yet? You really should. > he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and > bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be > with me right..how hard is it.. That may feel like the best solution to you, but that doesn't make it the right solution for both of you. It doesn't seem hard to you, because that's what you want. It may feel very hard to him, because he has different feelings, wants and needs then you may have. Someone doesn't have to be around you all of the time in order for them to love you. I'm sorry you're struggling and having problems, but expecting everyone to fix things according to what you want isn't a solution for everything either. > i think i need a brainotomy I think you need to see a doctor and get some counseling to help you over some of the large bumps that we have to go through in this road. Once your parents see that you are trying to help yourself, they may bend and help you more too. Good luck, I hope you can find what you need. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2002 Report Share Posted May 6, 2002 brokendovebird wrote: > > how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for > them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u > things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... Unfortunately, we are just all human and react differently to different things. Some people promise with the best of intentions, but find they can not keep their promises. Others will tell you anything just to get you " off their back " , and have no intentions of doing what they say. We all have different ideas of what support is too, and we expect that others will instinctively know what we want and how to do it. For example, a friend of mine feels that being supportive means you'll call every day when someone isn't feeling good, so if she knows I'm down, she'll call every day. To me, that isn't being supportive, that's taking time and energy away from dealing with being sick, so I don't want to be called every day. If she is down, I feel like calling every day is intruding, so I don't call. This makes her feel unsupported, so we had to work things out so we understand where the other is coming from. Dealing with someone who has a chronic illness on a long term basis is hard! The other person isn't always sure what the best way to do things is and also they're not always sure we really do know what's best for us. That's a trait quite a few people have, they think that their way is better, so that's the way they treat us. Have you tried sitting down and actually talking this whole matter over with your parents? If they're not comfortable weighting on you hand and foot, can they agree to bring you something once a day? On days where you feel extra bad? Can they make an extra sandwich for you when they make theirs, but you agree to physically come get it? The ideal situation would be if they would help you as much as you need, but that doesn't always work with family members, so try to work out a compromise if you can. > > all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me > he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and > again.... Again, it's unfortunately, but just because you want something doesn't mean that's what you'll get or even that it is best for you. I have days where I'd really love it if dh stayed home and helped get me things, but I can't ask him to do that, because it's not what is best for us. He needs to be seen as a reliable person at his work place, so I only ask him to stay on the very worst of days. You fiancé is probably getting mad because he feels like you're asking him to do things he isn't happy/comfortable/able to do. My friend mentioned above is a very clingy sort of a person. She would be absolutely happy if we talked every day, and got together at least once a week. I'm sorry, but I feel smothered at that level of contact, so I can't do it. I'm sorry it hurts her and makes her feel bad, but I know it would be bad for our friendship on down the road. You need to work out a level of contact with your fiancé that works for both of you. This means a compromise of sorts. If his whole life becomes wrapped up with you and your illness, then there can be problems on down the road. He needs to have an outlet too. Have you gone to the doctor about antidepressants yet? You really should. > he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and > bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be > with me right..how hard is it.. That may feel like the best solution to you, but that doesn't make it the right solution for both of you. It doesn't seem hard to you, because that's what you want. It may feel very hard to him, because he has different feelings, wants and needs then you may have. Someone doesn't have to be around you all of the time in order for them to love you. I'm sorry you're struggling and having problems, but expecting everyone to fix things according to what you want isn't a solution for everything either. > i think i need a brainotomy I think you need to see a doctor and get some counseling to help you over some of the large bumps that we have to go through in this road. Once your parents see that you are trying to help yourself, they may bend and help you more too. Good luck, I hope you can find what you need. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 6, 2002 Report Share Posted May 6, 2002 brokendovebird wrote: > > how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for > them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u > things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... Unfortunately, we are just all human and react differently to different things. Some people promise with the best of intentions, but find they can not keep their promises. Others will tell you anything just to get you " off their back " , and have no intentions of doing what they say. We all have different ideas of what support is too, and we expect that others will instinctively know what we want and how to do it. For example, a friend of mine feels that being supportive means you'll call every day when someone isn't feeling good, so if she knows I'm down, she'll call every day. To me, that isn't being supportive, that's taking time and energy away from dealing with being sick, so I don't want to be called every day. If she is down, I feel like calling every day is intruding, so I don't call. This makes her feel unsupported, so we had to work things out so we understand where the other is coming from. Dealing with someone who has a chronic illness on a long term basis is hard! The other person isn't always sure what the best way to do things is and also they're not always sure we really do know what's best for us. That's a trait quite a few people have, they think that their way is better, so that's the way they treat us. Have you tried sitting down and actually talking this whole matter over with your parents? If they're not comfortable weighting on you hand and foot, can they agree to bring you something once a day? On days where you feel extra bad? Can they make an extra sandwich for you when they make theirs, but you agree to physically come get it? The ideal situation would be if they would help you as much as you need, but that doesn't always work with family members, so try to work out a compromise if you can. > > all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me > he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and > again.... Again, it's unfortunately, but just because you want something doesn't mean that's what you'll get or even that it is best for you. I have days where I'd really love it if dh stayed home and helped get me things, but I can't ask him to do that, because it's not what is best for us. He needs to be seen as a reliable person at his work place, so I only ask him to stay on the very worst of days. You fiancé is probably getting mad because he feels like you're asking him to do things he isn't happy/comfortable/able to do. My friend mentioned above is a very clingy sort of a person. She would be absolutely happy if we talked every day, and got together at least once a week. I'm sorry, but I feel smothered at that level of contact, so I can't do it. I'm sorry it hurts her and makes her feel bad, but I know it would be bad for our friendship on down the road. You need to work out a level of contact with your fiancé that works for both of you. This means a compromise of sorts. If his whole life becomes wrapped up with you and your illness, then there can be problems on down the road. He needs to have an outlet too. Have you gone to the doctor about antidepressants yet? You really should. > he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and > bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be > with me right..how hard is it.. That may feel like the best solution to you, but that doesn't make it the right solution for both of you. It doesn't seem hard to you, because that's what you want. It may feel very hard to him, because he has different feelings, wants and needs then you may have. Someone doesn't have to be around you all of the time in order for them to love you. I'm sorry you're struggling and having problems, but expecting everyone to fix things according to what you want isn't a solution for everything either. > i think i need a brainotomy I think you need to see a doctor and get some counseling to help you over some of the large bumps that we have to go through in this road. Once your parents see that you are trying to help yourself, they may bend and help you more too. Good luck, I hope you can find what you need. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2002 Report Share Posted May 7, 2002 I'm going to get my antidepressant today. Since all this crap happened to me, I have been angry, but it's been getting worse. I can't stand anything and everything pisses me off. I knew it was time to get on an antidepressant when I started taking it out on the hubby and kids. And the stress from it all has caused *so much* pain. My mother takes an antidepressant because of the stress she has from her job. She said that ever since she's been on it, things don't bother her like they used to and she can do her job a lot better. I need something before I explode! Rhonda Re: who do i trust? Shellie, Please, please, please go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant! I think you'll find you'll be better able to cope once you do. I hate to hear you sounding so dependent upon others. I know it's very difficult to feel the way we do, and to feel you have no one to help you, but in the end, you MUST achieve some independence. I'm sure your boyfriend wants to be there for you, but I'm also sure that you being utterly dependent upon him will put a bad strain on your relationship. I have been down that road before. You are going to have to work on self-reliance, as hard as it is, and sounds, in order to achieve any peace of mind. And the first step is to get some help. You'd be amazed at how much easier it is to cope if you take an anti- depressant. I can't believe I waited so long. It's made a huge difference for me. I think I'm now going to be the Zoloft pusher. Lol. Please Shellie, go to you doctor. I think it's very important for you. Take care, I'm here for you, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2002 Report Share Posted May 7, 2002 I'm going to get my antidepressant today. Since all this crap happened to me, I have been angry, but it's been getting worse. I can't stand anything and everything pisses me off. I knew it was time to get on an antidepressant when I started taking it out on the hubby and kids. And the stress from it all has caused *so much* pain. My mother takes an antidepressant because of the stress she has from her job. She said that ever since she's been on it, things don't bother her like they used to and she can do her job a lot better. I need something before I explode! Rhonda Re: who do i trust? Shellie, Please, please, please go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant! I think you'll find you'll be better able to cope once you do. I hate to hear you sounding so dependent upon others. I know it's very difficult to feel the way we do, and to feel you have no one to help you, but in the end, you MUST achieve some independence. I'm sure your boyfriend wants to be there for you, but I'm also sure that you being utterly dependent upon him will put a bad strain on your relationship. I have been down that road before. You are going to have to work on self-reliance, as hard as it is, and sounds, in order to achieve any peace of mind. And the first step is to get some help. You'd be amazed at how much easier it is to cope if you take an anti- depressant. I can't believe I waited so long. It's made a huge difference for me. I think I'm now going to be the Zoloft pusher. Lol. Please Shellie, go to you doctor. I think it's very important for you. Take care, I'm here for you, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2002 Report Share Posted May 7, 2002 I'm going to get my antidepressant today. Since all this crap happened to me, I have been angry, but it's been getting worse. I can't stand anything and everything pisses me off. I knew it was time to get on an antidepressant when I started taking it out on the hubby and kids. And the stress from it all has caused *so much* pain. My mother takes an antidepressant because of the stress she has from her job. She said that ever since she's been on it, things don't bother her like they used to and she can do her job a lot better. I need something before I explode! Rhonda Re: who do i trust? Shellie, Please, please, please go to the doctor and get an anti-depressant! I think you'll find you'll be better able to cope once you do. I hate to hear you sounding so dependent upon others. I know it's very difficult to feel the way we do, and to feel you have no one to help you, but in the end, you MUST achieve some independence. I'm sure your boyfriend wants to be there for you, but I'm also sure that you being utterly dependent upon him will put a bad strain on your relationship. I have been down that road before. You are going to have to work on self-reliance, as hard as it is, and sounds, in order to achieve any peace of mind. And the first step is to get some help. You'd be amazed at how much easier it is to cope if you take an anti- depressant. I can't believe I waited so long. It's made a huge difference for me. I think I'm now going to be the Zoloft pusher. Lol. Please Shellie, go to you doctor. I think it's very important for you. Take care, I'm here for you, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 7, 2002 Report Share Posted May 7, 2002 Darcy writes > . I have > days where I'd really love it if dh stayed home and helped get me > things, but I can't ask him to do that, because it's not what is best > for us. > > My husband can stay home but even though on one hand I would like him too > on the other it would drive me crazy. He wants to help but there is > nothing he can do that can't be done after he gets home. When things are really bad and he can tell when he calls, he wants to come home. I told him once that if I really needed him to come home, I would tell him. Take care, Irene Books may well be the only true magic Alice Hoffman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 patidu@... wrote: > When things are really bad and he can tell when he calls, he wants to come > home. I told him once that if I really needed him to come home, I would tell > him. That's what I tell dh too. If I decide I need you, I know what your phone number is. I just feel like he is suppose to be at work, and that's where he should be, unless I'm in dire straits. Dane staying home has only happened a couple of times, when I can't move by myself almost at all. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 patidu@... wrote: > When things are really bad and he can tell when he calls, he wants to come > home. I told him once that if I really needed him to come home, I would tell > him. That's what I tell dh too. If I decide I need you, I know what your phone number is. I just feel like he is suppose to be at work, and that's where he should be, unless I'm in dire straits. Dane staying home has only happened a couple of times, when I can't move by myself almost at all. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 DigitalAngel wrote: > > I'm going to get my antidepressant today. Good for you! For me, the antidepressant started kicking in in the second week, it wasn't full force, but when you feel that bad, anything is better. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 DigitalAngel wrote: > > I'm going to get my antidepressant today. Good for you! For me, the antidepressant started kicking in in the second week, it wasn't full force, but when you feel that bad, anything is better. Darcy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 Hello!! I have been reading the mails about the difficulty of getting support. My husband is a typical guy (lol) I mean, he thinks and acts like a typical guy. His approach to things is to either fix it, or to wait until it goes away. I think the most difficult thing for him was to know what to do, how to help. He felt helpless and frustrated because he can't fix it. I find our communication the worst when I talk to him like a woman. Women empathize, understand, you can vent. For a guy it's like: what is the purpose of you telling me this? And what do you expect me to do? I was watching The Osbornes on TV the other day, I don't know if you've seen this show at all, but I saw a funny similarity. Ozzy's daughter came to him to complain and maybe get advice, and he, as a guy, is totally confused and says What do you want me to do about this? Of course it is so much easier watching somebody else, but I try to be more specific in what I say. How do I want to get support? Is it taking out the trash? Or is it cuddling on the couch watching a movie? I think some guys, like my husband, are missing the empathy gene. He's also missing the hugging gene. LOL I'm not trying to be slamming him, but it's true!! I do know that when I ask for something specific, he will try. It helps when I tell him that I just want him to listen and understand, not suggest a solution, like take some medication and go to bed. Communication is a very difficult thing!! Love how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... I feel iam constantly trying to prove the severity of my situation..but they all just carry on and expect me to on my own as well... all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and again.... its all actually so simple.... he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be with me right..how hard is it.. I am not asking him to give me somehting he hasnt got or cant afford...i am asking for his support for him to be here.. its still 2 months to go and it seems further and further away..iam back peddling at a scary rate and i dont even know whats real or not naymore.. i think i need a brainotomy > If someone doesn't want to help me then why do they say the will? > > > If you find out, you tell me. I think that there are some people that do not > know how to say no, I can't help. They say yes, not knowing that we depend > on that yes. When push comes to shove, they realize that they can't help and > all they have done is to have got into a mess and they have hurt and > disappointed you. > > I would not take a yes for granted unless the person has proved in the past > that they can be trusted. The rest of them, pay them no heed and if they > ask, tell them that they do not do what they say they will and you cannot > trust them any longer. > > I find that those that I can't trust, I stay away from and there are some > friends (or rather former friends) that I have not time for anymore. > > Take care, > Irene > > Books may well be the only true magic > Alice Hoffman > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 Hello!! I have been reading the mails about the difficulty of getting support. My husband is a typical guy (lol) I mean, he thinks and acts like a typical guy. His approach to things is to either fix it, or to wait until it goes away. I think the most difficult thing for him was to know what to do, how to help. He felt helpless and frustrated because he can't fix it. I find our communication the worst when I talk to him like a woman. Women empathize, understand, you can vent. For a guy it's like: what is the purpose of you telling me this? And what do you expect me to do? I was watching The Osbornes on TV the other day, I don't know if you've seen this show at all, but I saw a funny similarity. Ozzy's daughter came to him to complain and maybe get advice, and he, as a guy, is totally confused and says What do you want me to do about this? Of course it is so much easier watching somebody else, but I try to be more specific in what I say. How do I want to get support? Is it taking out the trash? Or is it cuddling on the couch watching a movie? I think some guys, like my husband, are missing the empathy gene. He's also missing the hugging gene. LOL I'm not trying to be slamming him, but it's true!! I do know that when I ask for something specific, he will try. It helps when I tell him that I just want him to listen and understand, not suggest a solution, like take some medication and go to bed. Communication is a very difficult thing!! Love how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... I feel iam constantly trying to prove the severity of my situation..but they all just carry on and expect me to on my own as well... all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and again.... its all actually so simple.... he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be with me right..how hard is it.. I am not asking him to give me somehting he hasnt got or cant afford...i am asking for his support for him to be here.. its still 2 months to go and it seems further and further away..iam back peddling at a scary rate and i dont even know whats real or not naymore.. i think i need a brainotomy > If someone doesn't want to help me then why do they say the will? > > > If you find out, you tell me. I think that there are some people that do not > know how to say no, I can't help. They say yes, not knowing that we depend > on that yes. When push comes to shove, they realize that they can't help and > all they have done is to have got into a mess and they have hurt and > disappointed you. > > I would not take a yes for granted unless the person has proved in the past > that they can be trusted. The rest of them, pay them no heed and if they > ask, tell them that they do not do what they say they will and you cannot > trust them any longer. > > I find that those that I can't trust, I stay away from and there are some > friends (or rather former friends) that I have not time for anymore. > > Take care, > Irene > > Books may well be the only true magic > Alice Hoffman > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 8, 2002 Report Share Posted May 8, 2002 Hello!! I have been reading the mails about the difficulty of getting support. My husband is a typical guy (lol) I mean, he thinks and acts like a typical guy. His approach to things is to either fix it, or to wait until it goes away. I think the most difficult thing for him was to know what to do, how to help. He felt helpless and frustrated because he can't fix it. I find our communication the worst when I talk to him like a woman. Women empathize, understand, you can vent. For a guy it's like: what is the purpose of you telling me this? And what do you expect me to do? I was watching The Osbornes on TV the other day, I don't know if you've seen this show at all, but I saw a funny similarity. Ozzy's daughter came to him to complain and maybe get advice, and he, as a guy, is totally confused and says What do you want me to do about this? Of course it is so much easier watching somebody else, but I try to be more specific in what I say. How do I want to get support? Is it taking out the trash? Or is it cuddling on the couch watching a movie? I think some guys, like my husband, are missing the empathy gene. He's also missing the hugging gene. LOL I'm not trying to be slamming him, but it's true!! I do know that when I ask for something specific, he will try. It helps when I tell him that I just want him to listen and understand, not suggest a solution, like take some medication and go to bed. Communication is a very difficult thing!! Love how do u explain to someone that all you need is there support..for them to be there for u..even if its just for hugs or to pass u things.... they make promises of being there and then they are not... I feel iam constantly trying to prove the severity of my situation..but they all just carry on and expect me to on my own as well... all i want is someone to be there beside me... so how can he tell me he cant right now..and then get angry at me for asking again and again.... its all actually so simple.... he gets angry at me...he gets angry at himself..he feels gugilty and bad for not helping me... but then i think all he has to do is be with me right..how hard is it.. I am not asking him to give me somehting he hasnt got or cant afford...i am asking for his support for him to be here.. its still 2 months to go and it seems further and further away..iam back peddling at a scary rate and i dont even know whats real or not naymore.. i think i need a brainotomy > If someone doesn't want to help me then why do they say the will? > > > If you find out, you tell me. I think that there are some people that do not > know how to say no, I can't help. They say yes, not knowing that we depend > on that yes. When push comes to shove, they realize that they can't help and > all they have done is to have got into a mess and they have hurt and > disappointed you. > > I would not take a yes for granted unless the person has proved in the past > that they can be trusted. The rest of them, pay them no heed and if they > ask, tell them that they do not do what they say they will and you cannot > trust them any longer. > > I find that those that I can't trust, I stay away from and there are some > friends (or rather former friends) that I have not time for anymore. > > Take care, > Irene > > Books may well be the only true magic > Alice Hoffman > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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