May I vent for a moment?

[Guest guest]

Hi all,

I'm sorry to dump on you all, but I'm pretty upset at the moment and there is

absolutely no one around me who will understand.

Two years ago, I moved home with my mother and brother. Mom is 78 and my

brother is a quadriplegic and I thought , at the time, that they understood

about my illnesses. Besides the fibromyalgia, I have severe sleep apnea,

osteo-arthritis, asthma, very frequent kidney stones (12 last year, keeping me

off work for five months), and an extra lumbar disk which is herniated. I

thought that together, we were all like a three-legged race, all pulling

together to help each other.

I also thought that my brother and I had an agreement that I would do his

physical therapy in exchange for my cobra insurance payments. This month, I've

been way too ill to do any, but I still thought he would make the payment and

let me work off an IOU system. I found out last night, he isn't.

On one hand, it is his money and even if he is financially better off than me,

he does have the right to do with it as he pleases. I understand this

intellectually. But if my cobra payment does not go out tomorrow, I will lose

all my benefits, so emotionally, I'm devastated. As my family knows that my

blood pressure is still too high with medication and if I cannot control the

apnea, I will probably have a stroke in the next few years, I feel very

abandoned and betrayed.

I made too much to qualify for Medicaid. I don't have enough stuff to sell on

this short of a notice to get the money I need to pay cobra. My only hope is to

get a job this week that has an HMO and starts immediately. HMOs do not have a

pre-existing clause which would basically rule out everything. But I can't go

without my medication.

My retirement account was depleted quicker than I thought by drug and doctor

co-pays; taking my dog and cat to the vet's; paying my car insurance; buying a

few groceries; and paying him and Mom for money I had borrowed (and they

originally told me to forget it). Oh yeah, I did buy two sale outfits (great

bargains) and a few books. But don't we have to have something in our life to

cheer us up now and then?

Okay, I'm sorry I ranted. My family is usually pretty good and perhaps they

will gather together and help me out. I know I'm living here rent-free. But I

do try to help out and pay my way that way, when I'm up to it. I just don't

know how I " m going to find this job, how long will I be able to work it, if the

insurance will let me keep my same doctors. And this means not filing for

disability and I just don't think I can do it anymore. I've worked for 21

years, sometimes two or three jobs.

I'm just tired and depressed and I really don't want to go on like this. Always

dragging myself into work, constantly being on probation for my absenteeism and

having to forgoe any attempt to have a normal life because all my energy has to

be directed to crawling into a job that I have to keep to continue having my

insurance. Even with co-pays, I'm spending $200-$300 a month for drugs alone.

Not to mention the co-pays to see a doctor! And I love my doctor, she listens

to me and understands that I can't be admitted in-patient ($100 A DAY! hospital

deductible) so she arranges home nursing to change my IV when I need one.

Sorry to dump on you all. If anyone hits the lottery this week, would you

remember me?