Hi Reggie & all

[Guest guest]

Hi Reggie,

Well you obviously received a lot of replys today. I haven't had time to

read any of them. It took me 10 minutes to go back in my email and find your

initial post today I am sure that no one has meant to slight you in any way.

I also just joined and haven't had time to really reply to people individually.

I am desperately trying to stay busy and ignore the way that I feel. If I give

into temptation to start getting online a lot like I have in the past I will sit

too much. In the last few years I have gained weight out of control. I am not

sure if the weight gain is caused by the Fibro, or just making the Fibro worse.

At any rate, I work hard to stay on my feet, busy and moving all day giving

myself only just enough time to skim through the posts a couple of times per

day. I bet there are many others here that are either too busy, too sick, too

tired, or just have too many emails to respond individually to people.

Reggie I remember your initial post. I don't know what to say to what you

have been through. I must admit that I have never had any sympathy for people

who have chronic disorders and " look " ok. I have been naive. I have worked

myself into a very old feeling body and will probably hit my grave earlier than

intended because of it. I guess I have always believed that if I could do all

that I do feeling as lousy as I do, then most people ought to be able to keep up

with my pace in life. It's been an unfair way to think about people. I have

especially disliked men that I have felt were/are lazy. I ran a daycare for 15

years and dealt with a lot of dead beat dads that wouldn't even watch their own

children when they didn't work or didn't work consistantly and didn't pay child

support and the mother would have to work and pay daycare while dad sits at

home. I guess that clouded my judgment. Then on top of that, if I have Type A

personality, my husband has Tripple A personality! He can work circles around

me. I have seen him work right through the night many times over the years and

go to work the next day. One time I saw him work 56 hours straight without

sleeping. That man NEVER goes to the doctor. He had a bloody nose during the

day once and had to go to the hospital after hours of bleeding. His co-workers

made him go. They coterized his nose and he didn't even tell me! He definately

has that don't complain attitude and so did my father. Because the men in my

life have told me to buck it up and get my work done no matter what, I have had

very opinionated ideas about people.

I say all that to try and point out that there are people in this world

that have ideas that hurt. But that doesn't mean they really mean to be

hurtful. We all have our own predisposed ideas based on our own experiences. I

think I can honestly say that your being black wouldn't cloud my judgment. I

have had black friends, aquaintances, and customers. I don't see them any

different than myself or anyone else. It's people I don't get! Take my

stepfather.. he died last summer. He was only 46 years old. He was living on

the street at the time. He was an alcoholic. My mother moved heaven and earth

through the years to get him into programs and he would never stay. I got him

into a very good program in Virginia and my mother drove him all the way there

and he refused to stay. He abused his body and was depressed and never worked

for more than a few days or weeks at a time. I hated the way he abused and used

my mother. And yet, he was miserable. I was so mad at him when he was alive.

When he died I cried like a baby and I was so surprised at how much it affected

me! I grieved more than I ever thought I would and still think about him

constantly.

What have I learned through these experiences? I guess I am learning every

day to be more caring towards people and give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

I still have some hard attitudes though and especially towards myself. I just

can't stand to slow down, rest too much, or give into the self pity feelings. I

don't even know what to think about the disability program. I am SOOOO thankful

that it's there for those who absolutely need it and yet I am aghast at how

often I meet people that are on it and they seem to get around better than I do!

I have been dealing with this pain, insomnia, chronic fatique, irritible

bladder, irritible bowel, horrible foot pain, and other various problems for so

long. I have worked so hard and for just about NOTHING pay wise. Don't even

get me started on daycare LOL! Part of me wants to try and apply for the

disability and jump through the hoops that I know there are. The other part of

me feels that too many people are on it. I had a lady call me once to ask me

about what it's like to watch kids in my home. During our conversation I talked

with her about how to file her taxes. She told me that she was on disability

and couldn't claim any money she made if she watched kids. I told her that if

she was on disability, she shouldn't be watching kids! I mean kids require far

too much lifting, chasing, and attention. It's just too much for someone that

is too sick to work and it's illegal to hide the money. That just makes me so

mad!

So basically Reggie I am saying keep your chin up. You are the one who

knows your motives and your pain. You only have to answer to yourself and your

maker. If people seem to be mean to you, or are obviously mean to you... Just

know they have their own issues and they are probably just ignorant to your

issues your dealing with. Or perhaps they could just be very conflicted like me

LOL!

ttyl

Suzi

[Guest guest]

Hi Suzi,

I'm sorry that I created an impression that people

are/have been mean to me, not so. Secondly, I pointed

to my gender and my racial heritage as a means of

expressing the societal expectations surrounding a

condition that others can see as one being lazy. No

one can say they have pushed to get any more from

themselves than I have, it was shear determination and

relentlesness that fueld me onward for many years. I

built a business from nothing into a multi-million

dollar entity in the health care field, the desire was

based on knowing that because of my health I had to

have something of my own and not work based on someone

elses clock. All the ambition I could muster

eventually was not enough to sustain me, the price I

paid was too high over the years it took to make

things happen in business. I'm sure everyone with CFS

will admit that it can be demoralizing to live with

and terribly isolating no matter how energetic one may

have been prior to having it. Personally, we each have

our own experiences inside and with the ways we chose

to deal with it, there is no one size fits all

approach it appears. By the way ... I've already

gathered how things go in the group and I'm fine with

it. At the start I wasn't sure what to expect and I'm

glad I threw my pebble in the pond to find out.

Be well,

Reggie

--- suzimcmullen@... wrote:

> Hi Reggie,

> Well you obviously received a lot of replys

> today. I haven't had time to read any of them. It

> took me 10 minutes to go back in my email and find

> your initial post today I am sure that no one

> has meant to slight you in any way. I also just

> joined and haven't had time to really reply to

> people individually. I am desperately trying to

> stay busy and ignore the way that I feel. If I give

> into temptation to start getting online a lot like I

> have in the past I will sit too much. In the last

> few years I have gained weight out of control. I am

> not sure if the weight gain is caused by the Fibro,

> or just making the Fibro worse. At any rate, I work

> hard to stay on my feet, busy and moving all day

> giving myself only just enough time to skim through

> the posts a couple of times per day. I bet there

> are many others here that are either too busy, too

> sick, too tired, or just have too many emails to

> respond individually to people.

>

> Reggie I remember your initial post. I don't

> know what to say to what you have been through. I

> must admit that I have never had any sympathy for

> people who have chronic disorders and " look " ok. I

> have been naive. I have worked myself into a very

> old feeling body and will probably hit my grave

> earlier than intended because of it. I guess I have

> always believed that if I could do all that I do

> feeling as lousy as I do, then most people ought to

> be able to keep up with my pace in life. It's been

> an unfair way to think about people. I have

> especially disliked men that I have felt were/are

> lazy. I ran a daycare for 15 years and dealt with a

> lot of dead beat dads that wouldn't even watch their

> own children when they didn't work or didn't work

> consistantly and didn't pay child support and the

> mother would have to work and pay daycare while dad

> sits at home. I guess that clouded my judgment.

> Then on top of that, if I have Type A personality,

> my husband has Tripple A personality! He can work

> circles around me. I have seen him work right

> through the night many times over the years and go

> to work the next day. One time I saw him work 56

> hours straight without sleeping. That man NEVER

> goes to the doctor. He had a bloody nose during the

> day once and had to go to the hospital after hours

> of bleeding. His co-workers made him go. They

> coterized his nose and he didn't even tell me! He

> definately has that don't complain attitude and so

> did my father. Because the men in my life have told

> me to buck it up and get my work done no matter

> what, I have had very opinionated ideas about

> people.

>

> I say all that to try and point out that there

> are people in this world that have ideas that hurt.

> But that doesn't mean they really mean to be

> hurtful. We all have our own predisposed ideas

> based on our own experiences. I think I can

> honestly say that your being black wouldn't cloud my

> judgment. I have had black friends, aquaintances,

> and customers. I don't see them any different than

> myself or anyone else. It's people I don't get!

> Take my stepfather.. he died last summer. He was

> only 46 years old. He was living on the street at

> the time. He was an alcoholic. My mother moved

> heaven and earth through the years to get him into

> programs and he would never stay. I got him into a

> very good program in Virginia and my mother drove

> him all the way there and he refused to stay. He

> abused his body and was depressed and never worked

> for more than a few days or weeks at a time. I

> hated the way he abused and used my mother. And

> yet, he was miserable. I was so mad at him when he

> was alive. When he died I cried like a baby and I

> was so surprised at how much it affected me! I

> grieved more than I ever thought I would and still

> think about him constantly.

>

> What have I learned through these experiences?

> I guess I am learning every day to be more caring

> towards people and give everyone the benefit of the

> doubt. I still have some hard attitudes though and

> especially towards myself. I just can't stand to

> slow down, rest too much, or give into the self pity

> feelings. I don't even know what to think about the

> disability program. I am SOOOO thankful that it's

> there for those who absolutely need it and yet I am

> aghast at how often I meet people that are on it and

> they seem to get around better than I do! I have

> been dealing with this pain, insomnia, chronic

> fatique, irritible bladder, irritible bowel,

> horrible foot pain, and other various problems for

> so long. I have worked so hard and for just about

> NOTHING pay wise. Don't even get me started on

> daycare LOL! Part of me wants to try and apply for

> the disability and jump through the hoops that I

> know there are. The other part of me feels that too

> many people are on it. I had a lady call me once to

> ask me about what it's like to watch kids in my

> home. During our conversation I talked with her

> about how to file her taxes. She told me that she

> was on disability and couldn't claim any money she

> made if she watched kids. I told her that if she

> was on disability, she shouldn't be watching kids!

> I mean kids require far too much lifting, chasing,

> and attention. It's just too much for someone that

> is too sick to work and it's illegal to hide the

> money. That just makes me so mad!

>

> So basically Reggie I am saying keep your chin

> up. You are the one who knows your motives and your

> pain. You only have to answer to yourself and your

> maker. If people seem to be mean to you, or are

> obviously mean to you... Just know they have their

> own issues and they are probably just ignorant to

> your issues your dealing with. Or perhaps they

> could just be very conflicted like me LOL!

>

> ttyl

> Suzi

>

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