Re: Is this a womens forum?

August 29, 2002

In a message dated 08/29/2002 6:00:27 AM US Eastern Standard Time,

suzy1@... writes:

> You said that you have had this for 16 years, Is it fixed yet?

>

LMAOO thanks....I needed that *chuckle*....Good way to look at it.

Allicia

August 29, 2002

You said that you have had this for 16 years, Is it fixed yet?

Is this a womens forum?

Hi,

Since I joined this group I noticed that I'm rare being a man with

CFS/Fibro who happens to be a member. It also appears so far that the

tenor of the group is geared more towards women, almost as if CFS and

Fibro discriminates along gender lines and your sharings are limited

to one another on that basis.

It was my deep desire when I joined to try helping others if I could,

make new acquaintances, create a new support network, and be a part

of something positive with regard to this condition.

I try to respond to messages from members who ask for help, or seem

deeply distressed. I have intense experience in the medical field and

have tried to share relevant information with respect to scientific

research and new findings, disability, and social issues. On rare

occasion someone seems interested, but for the most part I feel as

though my attempts to be of help are not wanted in the group.

I'll be honest that I'm sometimes surprised by what people talk about

here in light of the difficulties living with a debilitating illness

like this can have on anyone with it. OK, now I know you guys will be

mad as hell with me but here it goes .... as a man, I've heard over &

over that women want to vent but don't necessarily want things fixed.

Is it possible that we are conditioned to think so differntly based

on gender? Men see problems and look for solutions, and women only

want to talk about the problems ? (generalization ok?).

Is it that men and women are better off in support groups segregated

based on sex? I'm confused so far with the way things go in this

group, but I do feel as if there is a difference in receptivity.

Be well,

Reggie

August 29, 2002

hansmprnc wrote:

> OK, now I know you guys will be

> mad as hell with me but here it goes .... as a man, I've heard over &

> over that women want to vent but don't necessarily want things fixed.

> Is it possible that we are conditioned to think so differntly based

> on gender? Men see problems and look for solutions, and women only

> want to talk about the problems ? (generalization ok?).

After thinking things over, I've decided this may be why you feel that

you aren't being heard. I think you've made some excellent posts, posts

that are so thorough that I don't know what to say. Like your post on

your best friend who made those comments to you, and how you dealt with

it. I hit reply to respond to it, but then was stumped what to say that

wouldn't sound trite. Your whole attitude was so perfect that it seemed

to me that anything I might say would sound silly next to your actions.

I've seen people respond to some of your posts, so I know you aren't

being totally ignored. I wonder if part of the problem does lie in the

difference between how males and females communicate. For females,

talking " off " subject *is* communicating about our fibro and how it

affects us, it's part of what helps to bond us, it lets us know how

others are handling their lives off list, and it helps to give advice

when someone says " I was wondering how you tell if you are grinding

teeth. " . I wonder if as a male, you're expecting that 4 or 5 people

will respond to your technical posts and that everyone will spend the

next 3 or 4 emails discussing the technical part of fibro. It seems a

very male kind of a thing to to, you talk about sleep problems, and then

talk over all the possible solutions, come up with an answer and things

are done.

Unfortunately, this list rarely works like that. We have over 800

members, most of whom, just lurk all of the time. Now, I'm totally

guessing and making up the numbers on the next part, but I'm guessing we

have maybe 100 members who might post once every month or two. Of

those, maybe 60 post on a somewhat regular basis. The thing about fibro

is that there isn't one answer. It's not like someone asking " what's

the best way to build a tree fort " where everyone can talk about their

experiences and end up deciding that building the platform first works

best. There is nothing that treats fibro that is a one size fits all.

Some things help one person, but not another. Add to this that quite a

few people have their own firm believes about how they came down with

fibro, and it's hard to have a discussion on some things. For example,

if a person is firmly convinced they developed fibro from getting a

vaccine, and someone else thinks it's because of too much fluoride, how

are they going to scientific discussion with someone who believes fibro

is because of a virus?

Most posts go with either no response or maybe one response to them.

Every once in a while we get a thread that gets a good deal of response

to it, but that doesn't happen very often. Also, if a person who may

have responded to your post, isn't feeling well, and not reading email,

your post may go without a response it would have otherwise had (for

example, I'd like to respond to the teeth grinding posts, but am not up

to it now). And sometimes, we get someone who is truly interested in

starting a dialoge on a subject, but for whatever reason, it just

doesn't happen. I'm sorry when that happens, but it does happen. Most

of the guys we have on this group stay pretty quiet, I don't think any

of them have responded to any of your posts, so it might not be a guy

thing after all. It just may be the way the list is. All I can say is,

just keep posting, others have said they enjoy your posts, and at some

point, we may get a discussion going on one of them.

Darcy

August 29, 2002

I think, reggie, we are ALL trying to get this thing taken care of,

in any way we can.

We can read al the articles we see, listen to all the good and bad

points of treatments, medications, miind/body connections...and we

STILL are under control of the doctors who treat us.

I think, the majority here being women, we have things in common, and

we ARE trying to solve and find solutions for the things we suffer.

FMS, as you well knoew, has a broad range of ailments and we are all

trying to find things that work for us.

I think what you are seeing is the fine line of how women and men

talk to each other. Ive seen you put out some great articles of

information, no doubt everyone reads them, thinks about them,

possibly a lot of people even print them out for their doctors to

mull over also.

You must understand tho...articles af information are taken in,

digested in the mind and kept for further use. I personally tend to

respond to more personal type letters, be they from a man OR woman,

describing personal treatments, ailments or rants that i have in

common with the person posting.

women talk, yes, but we also want to talk on a personal basis. We

want to learn on a personal basis. An article, to me, is just

that...I read, absorb, and pass it on.

We also have all learned that we MUST live with this

disease/syndrome, and so we dont talk about it all day long. I dont

see this group as a medical board, but as a support group...where, if

I want, I can speak about how i fed my cat and what funny things he

did, or the job that gave me hell last week, or how my feet get

sore...or ask about a medication, a treatment, a different symptom,

or laugh, cry or vent. I want to talk to real, live people, rather

than the cut and dry talk of a medical board. Many people on this

list dont work, and use this group as a way of visiting...which is

what a support group, to me, anyway, is for.

Ive noticed a lot of articles being passed through in here which dont

get many repsonses, some by you, some by others; maybe its because we

are still digesting them, or everyone takes them to read , and

replies to the more personal pleas for help or support?

As far as responses, ive seen a lot of people responding to you, but

most of your posts now, seem to have a discrimatory tone to them. You

seem to think you are not getting responses because you are a man,

and we wmen are just not speaking to you. Thats not true, you have

had plenty of responses to your posts. All of a sudden now, its

because women dont want to get the problem solved? I personally am

not mad about that observation.. I think its rather funny, in fact,

that you are feeling discriminated against because of gender, and yet

then that generalization comes out.

I think if you were to reply in some personal issues, and talk with

us, instead of at us, you may have a better reception.

Mare

> Hi,

>

> Since I joined this group I noticed that I'm rare being a man with

> CFS/Fibro who happens to be a member. It also appears so far that

the

> tenor of the group is geared more towards women, almost as if CFS

and

> Fibro discriminates along gender lines and your sharings are

limited

> to one another on that basis.

>

> It was my deep desire when I joined to try helping others if I

could,

> make new acquaintances, create a new support network, and be a part

> of something positive with regard to this condition.

>

> I try to respond to messages from members who ask for help, or seem

> deeply distressed. I have intense experience in the medical field

and

> have tried to share relevant information with respect to scientific

> research and new findings, disability, and social issues. On rare

> occasion someone seems interested, but for the most part I feel as

> though my attempts to be of help are not wanted in the group.

>

> I'll be honest that I'm sometimes surprised by what people talk

about

> here in light of the difficulties living with a debilitating

illness

> like this can have on anyone with it. OK, now I know you guys will

be

> mad as hell with me but here it goes .... as a man, I've heard over

&

> over that women want to vent but don't necessarily want things

fixed.

> Is it possible that we are conditioned to think so differntly based

> on gender? Men see problems and look for solutions, and women only

> want to talk about the problems ? (generalization ok?).

>

> Is it that men and women are better off in support groups

segregated

> based on sex? I'm confused so far with the way things go in this

> group, but I do feel as if there is a difference in receptivity.

>

> Be well,

> Reggie

August 29, 2002

CFS and Fibro does discriminate along gender lines. I cannot remember the exact

statistics but I'm sure you can find them on the net. The majority of people

who get these diseases are women. That doesn't mean it's restricted to women

but the result is going to be that you're going to have a larger female

population

seeking help and advice, than men seeking solutions.

Yes it is possible that we are conditioned to think differently based on gender.

Actually I think it is a fact that we are conditioned to think differently.

Men do see problems and look for solutions. Women do want to talk about their

problems. That doesn't mean that women don't want a solution. We want to vent

when we feel bad and hope to find people who are understanding and supportive

of our frustrations...it makes us feel better. And sometimes when people who

have been through something similar offer advice, a solution may come along

with it. I know men want to fix everything...it's in their nature. I think

women are more likely to accept that not everything can be fixed. Not

everything

has a solution. So we do what we need to feel better. I think talking and

finding we're not alone, while not a cure, helps us tremendously.

I don't know if women and men are better off in sex segregated support groups.

Sure women usually understand each other better, but that doesn't mean that

men aren't helpful.

Your observations about the difference in Men & Women's behaviors are very

accurate.

I think relationship counselors have been writing books about those issues

for years. Perhaps you might want to seek more information on the subject,

if you're interested in learning to communicate with women better.

~Jen

Hi,

Since I joined this group I noticed that I'm rare being a man with CFS/Fibro

who happens to be a member. It also appears so far that the tenor of the group

is geared more towards women, almost as if CFS and Fibro discriminates along

gender lines and your sharings are limited to one another on that basis.

It was my deep desire when I joined to try helping others if I could,make new

acquaintances, create a new support network, and be a part of something positive

with regard to this condition.

I try to respond to messages from members who ask for help, or seem deeply

distressed.

I have intense experience in the medical field and have tried to share relevant

information with respect to scientific research and new findings, disability,

and social issues. On rare occasion someone seems interested, but for the most

part I feel as though my attempts to be of help are not wanted in the group.

I'll be honest that I'm sometimes surprised by what people talk about here in

light of the difficulties living with a debilitating illness like this can have

on anyone with it. OK, now I know you guys will be mad as hell with me but here

it goes .... as a man, I've heard over & over that women want to vent but don't

necessarily want things fixed. Is it possible that we are conditioned to think

so differntly based

on gender? Men see problems and look for solutions, and women only want to talk

about the problems ? (generalization ok?).

Is it that men and women are better off in support groups segregated based on

sex? I'm confused so far with the way things go in this group, but I do feel

as if there is a difference in receptivity.

Be well,

Reggie

August 29, 2002