Article on relationships and chronic illness/FMS

[Guest guest]

An older article on relationships and chronic illness.

http://fmaware.org/patient/family/love.htm

To Love, In Sickness And In Health

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by Lorden

" The course of true love never did run smooth. " - Shakespeare

With Valentine's Day on the calendar this month, many Fibromyalgia

sufferers are likely to be thinking either about how to find love or

how to sustain it, given the hardships that chronic illness imposes

on a relationship. If you're a person with FM who is married or in a

relationship, there is no doubt that your illness has brought new

difficulties and a variety of changes. Though our bodies are sick,

how can we keep our relationships healthy?

Seemingly by definition (and according to Shakespeare),

committed relationships are fraught with ups and downs along the

road. Hurt feelings and hugs, whispered promises and angry threats,

misunderstandings and insights, grief and growth, loss and

love...these are all a part of loving someone and being loved. The

challenges of making love work are never easy. But when one partner

is struck by FM or another similar chronic illness, the strain on the

relationship can sometimes feel like too much to bear.

Although the suffering of the patient is often severe, we should not

underestimate the sadness, frustration, loss, and helplessness that

the healthy partner also feels. Many spouses describe the pain of

watching their loved ones suffer and not being able to do anything

about it. Fred Friedberg, author of Coping With Chronic Fatigue

Syndrome, points out, " Your significant other has probably had to

make wrenching adjustments to your illness. He or she may experience

the same denial, anger, and even depression that you have in dealing

with CFS. " Friedberg emphasizes that the " healthy " partner has the

same right to all of the negative emotional reactions that you have

to the illness. While the nature of the suffering may be different,

it is nevertheless valid; and it is important that those feelings be

heard.

The stress, loss, and grief that are FM imposes on a relationship can

seem overwhelming, threatening the very relationship that is most

essential to nurturing us in our struggle with illness. The irony is

that coping with FM or other chronic illness often drains so much

energy that little is left for the interpersonal work that any

relationship needs. Many marriages and relationships don't survive.

But many not only survive, but thrive; relationships can be

strengthened and deepened in a way that would never have occurred

without the challenge of illness.

Lynn Vanderzalm, author of Finding Strength in Weakness, offers

important guidelines for keeping relationships strong in the midst of

the struggle with illness:

Accept Changes

FM forces many changes on relationships, especially in marriage.

Expectations need to be adjusted and different roles identified in

order to build a healthy relationship that can sustain the stresses

of illness.

Develop a Life Outside FM

Vanderzalm recommends establishing at least one ritual that has

nothing to do with illness. It might be sitting and watching the

sunset, or anything that can set aside the difficulty of living with

illness and bring back the original feeling of closeness.

Communicate Your Needs

Living with FM or other chronic illness requires even stronger

communication skills between two people. We need to know what the

other is feeling and what is truly important. Many couples wisely

choose to get counseling, either together or individually. This can

be very helpful in building deeper communication skills in order to

cope with the challenges of illness.

Give Support and Understanding

It is extremely destructive when the illness is used as a scapegoat

for everything that goes wrong. The FM sufferer needs to know that

difficulties are not necessarily his or her fault, and both partners

need to feel that they are " on the same team. " More specifically,

each person in the relationship has something special to give,

depending upon whether or not they are the one who is sick:

What the Healthy Partner Can Give

reassurance that they believe the illness is real

confidence that they will be there for support

special attention to the FM sufferer's needs, especially in times of

pain and weakness

communicating that no matter how sick the sufferer may look or feel,

he or she is valuable as a person.

What the Sick Partner Can Give

the integrity of telling the truth; neither exaggerating the illness

nor hiding its reality

commitment to the other person and the growth of the relationship

appreciation and understanding for what the healthy partner is going

through

the gift of saving some energy for the other person and contributing

what you can.