Being Grateful

[Guest guest]

Your 2 stories are wonderful! I'm starting to notice these things,

too. I can now wash my hair and not have a breakdown over the amount

of loss. I can walk up the stairs and not have to sit at the top for

my heart to stop racing. I can talk to my kids and actually be in

touch with them. I can make it through a day with out crying.

BUT -- what I am noticing is that I'm not letting myself *really*

enjoy these things. I take note of them and write them on my symptoms

spreadsheeet, but I guess I'm too scared to believe they're really

going to last. I've had soooo many ups and downs the last few years

-- where I'd feel better and then it would be gone. I think I'm just

waiting for the other shoe to drop again.

And even though I now know why I had those ups and downs in the past

(adrenals), I just don't know how to let myself go and enjoy the

improvements because if I have another setback, it would be too much

of a disappointment. So I put a wall up to protect myself from the

inevitable let down. But, what if this time, there isn't a letdown?

What if it really stays? When do I let myself believe it?

I guess I'm rambling, but does any of this make sense?

Also, just last night, my husband was starting to reminisce about when

we first got married. I told him right now it's too hard for me to do

that (which kinda upset my husband). But if I look back at the good

times, I realize that I'm still not quite back to my original self --

and that also, it makes me too sad because I realize how much I missed

while being sick all these years. I look at how old my boys are and

know how much I missed. I look at the years my husband and I spent

fighting before we knew what was wrong and it all makes me so sad.

So at this point, I prefer to just live in the moment, and not look

back at either the good or bad times because I just can't deal with it

yet. But, yet at the same time, I've put that wall up from *truly*

enjoying the better times now!

What a mess I am, huh? Maybe it's just that after fighting this for

so long, it's hard to just plain live again.

Sorry so long.

Debbie

>

> But believe me, I am grateful for every single thing I can do. I

am glad i can wash

> the clothes and load the dishwasher. I couldn't do that a year or

so ago. I

> am grateful that I can sit on my porch and see the beauty around me

out here in

> the country. My world was full and gray a little over a year ago.

I am

> grateful that I can breathe deep for the first time in 15 years. I

am grateful

> that I am not too tired to pet my kitty and play with her. I am

grateful that I

> am not consumed with anxious thoughts any more. I am grateful that

when my

> husband kisses me, my lips have sensation again and that the kiss

is so sweet.

> I am grateful that my mind functions again. I am grateful that I

can get thru

> the day without a nap. I am grateful that I am once again a sweet

person who

> doesn't get irritable at every little thing. I am grateful that I have

> energy to take a shower and enjoy it.

>