A friend wrote this but I thought a lot of people here could identify..

July 9, 2002

I am sick of the game. I want out. I am sick of being a guinea

pig. " Try this. Try that. Did you hear about this? Hey, go there and

see them. I don't have any answers for you, but here's one: It is

all " in your head " . It's YOUR fault. Just don't think about it.

You're OK. Hey, I can't SEE anything. And I sure as heck don't FEEL

anything. Why should YOU? "

" Ya know WHAT? I got some more meds for you to take. Stop one and

start two. Oh-oh. Better double the dosage. A handful 3x's a day.

Never mind the darn side-affects. You're imagining them too. Try some

SOMINEX. Try some laxatives. Here's some more " mood drugs " . Never

mind about them. Never mind what you read or hear. Never mind that

man behind the curtain. "

I am very thankful for you all who care because you know and

understand, and share where you have been where it may help those who

have yet to get a certain kind of treatment. It reassures me that it

is OK to go into a doctor's office and dare to use my brain. Dare to

suggest I may know something that they don't, or think of something

they haven't. Insolent little me.

This is yet another reason I come to this site and selfishly glean

the precious grains of humanity for planting in my own garden of

renewal and drink the waters of healing flowing generously here among

you. This is my strength now. I am not getting my hopes too high

anymore, but I am going to keep trying. For my family. For others who

may benefit for my apparent grasping at straws.

Tomorrow my wife brings home a new weapon to try. And of course the

accompanying dose changes. (Why do the side affects have to be the

very thing the med is trying to correct or stop?) No, I am not going

to get my hopes up, but rather get my chin up, and be thankful for

support when I need it the most. Right here.

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