Goodmorning everyone

[Guest guest]

Hi everyone,

Well I have been reading some of the emails this morning. I

don't know if I will ever learn everyones names. In a way it is

comforting to hear what everyone is saying. I have never met anyone

before that could relate to all my sysmptoms. I have not gone to the

doctor through the years. It seems even with insurance the co-

payments were always a little too high to seek any help or relief

from problems I can live with. But lately the problems have been

growing. I wonder though if it's really that I have more problems or

if I am just able to tell it more. For the last 15 years I ran a

daycare in my home. I felt like crap most of the time, but I enjoyed

the kids and I enjoyed the money. I always figured that when we got

ahead a little I could slow down. I kept my daycare open 24 hours

per day so I answered the door several times per night. I never

slept well anyway, so I figured getting up to answer the door

wouldn't be such a big problems. As the years droned on I resented

the work, the kids, and the parents more and more, but I never felt

that I could quit because my husband and kids relied on me and my

contribution too much. My husband is one of these type A

personalities that thinks that work is all life is about and he

resents me if I go to bed before he does. He thinks that most of my

ailments or complaints have been all in my head or that I am just

whining.

I am making this too long I know and I am sorry. Finally after

all this time my husband received a very good job offer that has

allowed me to move with my family and not replace the daycare. I am

working in my garden and the house. I put in several hours per day

in the garden and I enjoy it a lot, but the pain makes it difficult.

I took up a creative hobby making mosaics but chipping away at the

ceramic tiles is tearing my hands up. I have all this time on my

hands and all I can do is feel miserable.

One problem that I have is that I can't see how taking a nap or

taking it easy helps in any way. If I get up and keep moving the

pain is there, but it seems to lesson a little at least until I lay

down. Then when I lay down I throb in all sorts of places because of

whatever I have been doing that day. The longer I sit or lay down

the worse I hurt when I stand up. The longer I spend in bed the

harder it is to get to moving again. So basically I know I will have

pain no matter what I do or don't do. Laying around feeling sorry

for myself isn't going to help so that's why I finally decided to go

to the doctor and beg for some help. It's not that I have never been

to any doctors. I did seek help for some of the worst things through

the years, but I always found very uncaring people that would just

look at my age and my overall health status and poo poo my symptoms.

I forget which one of you is in your early 20's, but I can relate to

what you are going through. When I was in my early 20's I would have

all sorts of problems that was supposed to happen to older people.

People also asked me how I would handle things later. Well it's

later and I am still afraid of how much later it can really get! My

mother is in her latter 50's. She has just been placed on disability

for a bad heart. In many ways I resent the fact that she can sit in

a chair all day long and have her meds paid for by the government and

get her income while I am still outside planting a big garden just

trying to make up for the fact that I am not working right now.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother and am glad she has some

spending money. My husband is supporting my mother and I as well as

our kids. He has his income, she has an income now, be it very

small, and my kids have their allowances. I have nothing at all! My

husband gives me a household budget that is so small I can barely

feed everyone on it let alone buy diapers for our 2 year old and pay

co-payments when I go to the doctors. So planting a garden here is a

good thing to do because I am in sunny California and I can grow it

year round. I just never knew that the garden would take so much out

of me. My husband say's he will continue to give me the same

household budget even when the garden is producing well, so I keep

plugging away at it knowing that I will have a little spending money

when it is in full swing.

I have thought about getting a part-time job, but my mother

really can't watch my 2 year old because she could have a heart

attack and then she would be alone and so would Katy. I won't put

Katy in daycare because I waited too long between the 3rd and 4th

child to just leave her now. Not to mention the fact that I don't

know if I could handle a real job. Daycare was hard, but I was in

control. When I was too tired, sick, or in pain I could order

pizza. If the kids were too much for me, I could put in a video. I

could let the house slip a little from time to time. But towards the

end I just couldn't do it anymore and I am pretty certain a real job

would be way too orverwhelming.

Thank you everyone for giving me a place to vent

take care

Suzi