Laugh for the Day: ONLY IN AMERICA

[Guest guest]

Here's your much needed laugh for the day. Figured it was my turn. Cheryl

ONLY IN AMERICA

Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating

rink.

Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of

the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at

the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a

diet coke.

Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to

the counters.

Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway

and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have

call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in

the first place.

Only in America……do we buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of

eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so

well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ’many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking

creatures’.

Only in America……do they; have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER~~~~~

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline: ”Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made

with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all of your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they

make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (And that’s the only time I

have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details

inside. (The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that would

be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But wouldn’t

this save me more time?)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”

(Well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and

you taught????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (But wouldn’t

this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery

after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of

construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds

off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this

because????...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (As

opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (Now,

somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”

(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to

fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and

send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in

other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

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