Re: ?? about dying

November 23, 2002

In a message dated 11/23/2002 9:27:37 PM Central Standard Time,

alle1105@... writes:

> Kim

>

I have three girls and all three of them have asked questions about dying. I

think it is a normal kid worry. Deb A

November 23, 2002

Hi Kim,

My son was the same age as your son when he first asked about death.

This was January 1984, and he'd been diagnosed just a couple months

previously in November.

I'd just tucked him into bed, turned out the light and was ready to

leave when he rolled over, looked at me and asked, " Am I going to

die? " I felt like I had a huge boulder lodged in my throat, pressing

all the way down to my heart. I sat down next to him and asked what

made him think about his and he shrugged. So I said the only thing I

could think of at that moment, " Oh, ; Mommy and Daddy would

never let anything happen to you! " He looked satisfied, rolled over

and went to sleep. But I sure felt like the wind was knocked from my

sails.

However, I will always believe that my response was appropriate for

his age and the situation. His health was very good, and even though

CF was still so new and confusing to us I knew nothing fatal was in

his immediate future.

Young children and teens don't have a concept of future events -- to

a child, " future " is what happens in the next second. It's like the

concept of " dog years; " when you tell a toddler, " Wait a minute, "

their minute is about 5 seconds long!

That's why the old anti-smoking campaigns failed with teens. Tell

them if the smoke then they'll get cancer when they're 50, and they

think, " Fifty?! What's that? "

But tell a teen that when they smoke then their breath isn't

kissable, their teeth are dingy, they look goofy puffing on a rolled

up piece of paper, and that their hands, hair and clothes stink --

then you're speaking within their time zone.

As we get older our ability to conceptualize " future time " expands

right along with us. (That's why as we age past 40, we suddenly begin

caring whether the government is going to bankrupt social security!)

Jack could be suddenly asking about death because maybe he overheard

family members, or your friends, or the parents of his friends

talking about CF statistics. Or like Rosemary pointed out, perhaps

he's asking for some other reason -- perhaps someone read a story

about a pet dying, then someone else talking about a grandparent or

co-worker dying, etc.

A couple weeks after asked if he was going to die, he

asked " When is going to die? " So, I started doing some

sleuthing by asking 's preschool teachers if they'd seen any

change of behavior. I knew without doubt that there was no chance

would have overheard any conversations between his teachers

about CF, so I ruled them out.

A couple weeks later, light was finally shed on the situation.

told me that one of his preschool friends told him that was

going to die. The little boy wasn't being malicious -- it was what he

believed: females die.

You see, the previous summer the boy's grandmother was diagnosed with

stomach cancer. After that, every Friday his mom would pick him up

from preschool and they'd drive 60 miles to Grandma's house to spend

the weekend with her. This went on every weekend for about five

months; toward the end, the mom went to stay with the grandmother

until she died, only coming home long enough to get her son for the

weekend to go back with her to Grandma's. About a month after the

grandma died, the boy's next door neighbor -- a 9-yr. old girl --

died from leukemia. So, the boy put 1+1 together and came up: girls

die. He was an only child, and the only one he knew with a sister was

.

Barely six months after this, 's paternal grandfather, with whom

he was very close, had a heart attack. About nine months later he had

a second heart attack and died. By then, was able to talk about

how he'd miss Grandpa and he understood this event was separate from

him: people and animals die for different reasons, and Grandpa was

old and his heart was weak.

It helped that we lived on a dairy farm. One day I picked up 's

grandmother to go shopping with us and as we drove past the barn,

saw a baby calf lying on the ground. The calf had just died and

the guys hadn't had time to move it yet because they had to quickly

get the mama cow the veterinary hospital.

asked what was wrong with the calf. And my mother-in-law

quickly said, " Oh! It's just sleeping!! " I was stunned and wanted to

thump the lady on the head. I thought " Jeez, insult your grandson's

intelligence already, why don't you? He's not an idiot. He knows a

sleeping calf wouldn't be on THIS side of the fence! " I said, " It's

not sleeping; the calf died ; I guess it wasn't strong enough. "

just said, " Oh, okay. " And looked at his grandmother funny. I'm

sure he wondered why she said what she did. (Maybe he thought she

couldn't tell the difference between a sleeping and dead calf!).

As grew we buried more kittens, cats, dogs, and cows. It always

broke my cat-lover daughter's heart; oh my God it was so tough

telling her when a kitten or one of our cats died!

One day we came home to find the cows had trampled the electric fence

separating the pasture from our house. These hugely pregnant cows

were eating my lawn and leaving fat, brown cow patties. The kids and

I went to work rounding up the cows, and I came around one side of

the house just as came around the other. At the exact moment,

she and I saw one of our favorite cats lying in the grass, killed by

our neighbor's dog.

She became hysterical and took her inside and sat with her

while I drove to the barn to get our farmhand to come fix the fence.

I was crying so hard I could barely shovel the dirt in our " cat

graveyard, " so he took the shovel from me, picked up the cat, and

sent me inside.

Good grief I didn't mean to get on that subject. But, if you want to

show the natural cycle of life, you can always start building their

knowledge in subtle, natural ways. Demonstrate with the four seasons

and the changing colors of leaves, rebirth of green in spring. Watch

Disney's, The Lion King. If he's tender-hearted, I don't recommend

getting a goldfish just to prove the point.

Kim

Mom to (23 with cf and asthma) and (20 asthma no cf)

My 4 1/2 year old w/cf, Jack, has been asking me a lot of questions

about dying lately. Like, " How old will I be when I die? " Will you

die before me? " , things like that. If it was only once, then I

wouldn't think much about it, but he keeps asking me about it. No

one that we know has died recently. I think I might be sensitive to

it since he has CF, but since he is our only child I don't know if

this is normal or not. Obviously, he doesn't understand anything

longterm with CF and I really don't think anyone has said anything to

him about it. Has any one else's children gone thru this stage?

Thanks

Kim

November 24, 2002

My four year old daughter who does not have CF has been talking about

this a lot recently as well. She only mentioned it in relation to Emma

who has CF once. Otherwise, she basically seems worried about herself

dieing. Her grandfather died almost two years ago and she still

remembers the funeral and wake. She talks about it all the time and how

they gave her a teddy bear. She doesn't want to die like Grandpa Henry.

I just keep telling her that her life has barely started and that she

should enjoy life rather than worrying about only a small piece of it

especially since it's something we can't control. I also explain how

it's best to just enjoy everyday as much as you can since you don't know

what will happen in your life. Maybe this doesn't necessarily help a

four year old a lot but it's the best I could do.

- mom to Emma 2 years old w/cf and Isabelle 4 years old wo/cf

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November 24, 2002