What to tell my husband... HELP!

June 13, 2000

Hi ,

I understand exactly where you are coming from and will share what I did to

help my husband, who, like yours is usually supportive. First, though,

understand that " normal " people will never truly understand what you and I

know to be true. Not really. Unless you have gone through it, unless you

live it every day, you do not know. My husband eats like a horse--we're

talking 5 whoppers at a crack (and all the " go-withs " ). But, he can also go

without if he is too busy. He often says, " I never think about food, but

once I start eating, LOOK OUT! " He is of normal weight. He is lucky and is

blessed with a great metabolism and heredity. He can also turn down dessert

or any food if he feels he needs to. Do you see why I say he can never truly

understand what we go through?

Now, to answer your question. I am pursuing this surgery for my 16-yr-old

daughter who at 5'3 " weighs 255 pounds (and steadily rising). A lot

of her weight is centered around her midsection and she has severe asthma. I

am scared to death that she will die (we have already spent a week in the

hoospital). After she has the MGB, I will pursue it for myself. My husband

has been dead-set against the surgery. He loves desperately and is so

afraid that this will be a mistake. As I was getting nowhere in our

" discussing it, " I put together a packet for him to read when he was alone on

a 2-hr (each way) limo ride to a meeting this past week. What was in the

packet? First of all, I had already received emails from 43 former patients.

I printed off those (copy and pasted together). Next, I included my appeal

letter to Cigna, which outlined the procedures benefits, etc. Also my letter

to Chris' PCP, passionately giving thre reasons why the MGB is necessary. I

also included the physician profile on Dr R. I did not put in the patient ed

manual--that I wanted to go over WITH him, once the other items had " softened

his heart. " And guess wwhat? IT WORKED! All of those beautiful letters

from patients helped him better understand the agony we go through. My ins

appeal letter layed out the facts and the answer. The letter to Chris' Dr.

showed my deep concern and fears as well as outlining her history. Seeing

this all in black and white was pretty eye-opening for him. After his

business trip he finally gave me the 2 hours I had been begging for. We sat

down and went through the manual together. He had made notes when reading

the packet and he asked a lot of questions. He still has concerns and

questions, but he now understands in a way he never did before.

Now for the really personal part. I have shared this with no one, and here I

am " blasting " it in public! At the end of the packet I included a letter

that I had written to my PCP 2 years ago but never mailed. It was written

back when was under 200 pounds, and thus long before I even thought

about the surgery for her, and certainly long before I learned of MGB. It

was a letter explaining how miserable I was with myself, my weight and my

life. How I was emotionally abandoning my wonderful husband because of the

total disgust I felt with myself. How could I be such a strong woman and not

be able to control this one awful aspect of my life. I wrote about not

letting him see me naked, about never wanting his co-workers or associates to

meet me. I was crying out for WL surgery. I never mailed the letter because

I discovered that I did not meet the minimum wt. requirement for that

particuliar operation. I continued to hide my true feelings toward myself

and " trudged on " through life, putting on a happy face, when I felt anything

but happy. But, isn't this what we all do? Isn't this how we try and cope

in a thin-obsessed world?

Back to the packet. At the very end I included a letter to my husband

telling him why the MGB was so important to me, also-- so important to US.

His response to my " from the heart " packet was equally heartfelt and now we

are united in our quest for the MGB. He will always be a thin man and I'm

sure a part of him will never thoroughly understand. But he is willing to

support, the best way he can.

You will, of course, have to find your own way, but I know it is possible for

you to open your heart in a most personal way and help your husband to

understand. He loves you so much that he is truly scared. Most important,

though, you need his courage, and strength as much as you need your own.

I wish you all the best. Please let me know if there is something I can do.

To eveyone else on the list, I am sorry this has been so long.

Warm regards,

Debbie in IL

In a message dated 6/13/00 6:54:00 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

cmanikas@... writes:

<< Hello, everyone. I've been reading these posts for a couple of weeks

now and there is no question in my mind that this is the answer to my

prayers! I just read in my insurance brochure last night that WLS is

covered. But when I tried to talk to my husband about it, well, he

wasn't too receptive to the idea. He asked me what would keep me from

eating things I shouldn't after the surgery. And the pouch can be

stretched, can't it? So what would keep you from gaining back the

weight? he asked. I told him learning a new way to eat. So, of

course, he asks why can't you just do that now?

I don't know how to make him understand that sure, I can learn new

eating habits. And maybe I can lose 5-8 pounds a month. But I need

better results than that to keep me going! I can starve myself for a

month, be hungry all the time and lose only a few pounds. That's

depressing--which leads to overeating again.

He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't seem

to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

advice for me?

XXXOOO

>>

June 13, 2000