What to tell my husband... HELP!

June 13, 2000

Hi ,

I understand exactly where you are coming from and will share what I did to

help my husband, who, like yours is usually supportive. First, though,

understand that " normal " people will never truly understand what you and I

know to be true. Not really. Unless you have gone through it, unless you

live it every day, you do not know. My husband eats like a horse--we're

talking 5 whoppers at a crack (and all the " go-withs " ). But, he can also go

without if he is too busy. He often says, " I never think about food, but

once I start eating, LOOK OUT! " He is of normal weight. He is lucky and is

blessed with a great metabolism and heredity. He can also turn down dessert

or any food if he feels he needs to. Do you see why I say he can never truly

understand what we go through?

Now, to answer your question. I am pursuing this surgery for my 16-yr-old

daughter who at 5'3 " weighs 255 pounds (and steadily rising). A lot

of her weight is centered around her midsection and she has severe asthma. I

am scared to death that she will die (we have already spent a week in the

hoospital). After she has the MGB, I will pursue it for myself. My husband

has been dead-set against the surgery. He loves desperately and is so

afraid that this will be a mistake. As I was getting nowhere in our

" discussing it, " I put together a packet for him to read when he was alone on

a 2-hr (each way) limo ride to a meeting this past week. What was in the

packet? First of all, I had already received emails from 43 former patients.

I printed off those (copy and pasted together). Next, I included my appeal

letter to Cigna, which outlined the procedures benefits, etc. Also my letter

to Chris' PCP, passionately giving thre reasons why the MGB is necessary. I

also included the physician profile on Dr R. I did not put in the patient ed

manual--that I wanted to go over WITH him, once the other items had " softened

his heart. " And guess wwhat? IT WORKED! All of those beautiful letters

from patients helped him better understand the agony we go through. My ins

appeal letter layed out the facts and the answer. The letter to Chris' Dr.

showed my deep concern and fears as well as outlining her history. Seeing

this all in black and white was pretty eye-opening for him. After his

business trip he finally gave me the 2 hours I had been begging for. We sat

down and went through the manual together. He had made notes when reading

the packet and he asked a lot of questions. He still has concerns and

questions, but he now understands in a way he never did before.

Now for the really personal part. I have shared this with no one, and here I

am " blasting " it in public! At the end of the packet I included a letter

that I had written to my PCP 2 years ago but never mailed. It was written

back when was under 200 pounds, and thus long before I even thought

about the surgery for her, and certainly long before I learned of MGB. It

was a letter explaining how miserable I was with myself, my weight and my

life. How I was emotionally abandoning my wonderful husband because of the

total disgust I felt with myself. How could I be such a strong woman and not

be able to control this one awful aspect of my life. I wrote about not

letting him see me naked, about never wanting his co-workers or associates to

meet me. I was crying out for WL surgery. I never mailed the letter because

I discovered that I did not meet the minimum wt. requirement for that

particuliar operation. I continued to hide my true feelings toward myself

and " trudged on " through life, putting on a happy face, when I felt anything

but happy. But, isn't this what we all do? Isn't this how we try and cope

in a thin-obsessed world?

Back to the packet. At the very end I included a letter to my husband

telling him why the MGB was so important to me, also-- so important to US.

His response to my " from the heart " packet was equally heartfelt and now we

are united in our quest for the MGB. He will always be a thin man and I'm

sure a part of him will never thoroughly understand. But he is willing to

support, the best way he can.

You will, of course, have to find your own way, but I know it is possible for

you to open your heart in a most personal way and help your husband to

understand. He loves you so much that he is truly scared. Most important,

though, you need his courage, and strength as much as you need your own.

I wish you all the best. Please let me know if there is something I can do.

To eveyone else on the list, I am sorry this has been so long.

Warm regards,

Debbie in IL

In a message dated 6/13/00 6:54:00 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

cmanikas@... writes:

<< Hello, everyone. I've been reading these posts for a couple of weeks

now and there is no question in my mind that this is the answer to my

prayers! I just read in my insurance brochure last night that WLS is

covered. But when I tried to talk to my husband about it, well, he

wasn't too receptive to the idea. He asked me what would keep me from

eating things I shouldn't after the surgery. And the pouch can be

stretched, can't it? So what would keep you from gaining back the

weight? he asked. I told him learning a new way to eat. So, of

course, he asks why can't you just do that now?

I don't know how to make him understand that sure, I can learn new

eating habits. And maybe I can lose 5-8 pounds a month. But I need

better results than that to keep me going! I can starve myself for a

month, be hungry all the time and lose only a few pounds. That's

depressing--which leads to overeating again.

He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't seem

to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

advice for me?

XXXOOO

>>

June 13, 2000

Hello, everyone. I've been reading these posts for a couple of weeks

now and there is no question in my mind that this is the answer to my

prayers! I just read in my insurance brochure last night that WLS is

covered. But when I tried to talk to my husband about it, well, he

wasn't too receptive to the idea. He asked me what would keep me from

eating things I shouldn't after the surgery. And the pouch can be

stretched, can't it? So what would keep you from gaining back the

weight? he asked. I told him learning a new way to eat. So, of

course, he asks why can't you just do that now?

I don't know how to make him understand that sure, I can learn new

eating habits. And maybe I can lose 5-8 pounds a month. But I need

better results than that to keep me going! I can starve myself for a

month, be hungry all the time and lose only a few pounds. That's

depressing--which leads to overeating again.

He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't seem

to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

advice for me?

XXXOOO

June 13, 2000

In a message dated 6/13/00 9:53:38 AM Eastern Daylight Time,

cmanikas@... writes:

<< He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't seem

to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

advice for me?

>>

Hi ,

Take a deep breath. Would he be receptive to reading some of the information

from the website? When I first started researching I forwarded stuff that

really hit me to my hubby to read. I did that from clos.net and also from

www.obesityhelp.com. It really helped him to see for himself and also to

realize that I was getting serious about the possibility of surgery.

Initially when I started researching I had to be convinced myself. My Dr.

suggested it to me and I was in shock for about a week before I would even

check it out.

Now, two months post-op, I'm so thankful that God encouraged my Dr. to speak

up and that I found the MGB! I'm also 40 pounds lighter!

Best of luck!

Claire

MGB 4/10/00

300/259.5 Yippeeeee

15.25 inches lost forever!!

Dr. Rutledge (http:/clos.net)

" He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until the

day of Christ Jesus. " - Phil. 1:6

June 13, 2000

Thank you, Sara. I agree that he needs more info. I just want him to

understand how much it hurts to be obese--and how much it hurts to

have ALWAYS been fat. I want him to get across to him how it feels to

have no hope then, all of a sudden, have hope again.

I'm going to try again tonight...

XXXOOO

>

> > Hello, everyone. I've been reading these posts for a couple of

weeks

> > now and there is no question in my mind that this is the answer

to my

> > prayers! I just read in my insurance brochure last night that WLS

is

> > covered. But when I tried to talk to my husband about it, well, he

> > wasn't too receptive to the idea. He asked me what would keep me

from

> > eating things I shouldn't after the surgery. And the pouch can be

> > stretched, can't it? So what would keep you from gaining back the

> > weight? he asked. I told him learning a new way to eat. So, of

> > course, he asks why can't you just do that now?

> >

> > I don't know how to make him understand that sure, I can learn new

> > eating habits. And maybe I can lose 5-8 pounds a month. But I need

> > better results than that to keep me going! I can starve myself

for a

> > month, be hungry all the time and lose only a few pounds. That's

> > depressing--which leads to overeating again.

> >

> > He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't

seem

> > to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

> > advice for me?

> >

> > XXXOOO

> >

> > ------------------------------------------------------------------

------

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> > Napa Valley to Beverly Hills. Provided by CarsDirect.com.

> > Click to enter.

> > http://click.egroups.com/1/4882/2/_/453517/_/960903107/

> > ------------------------------------------------------------------

------

> >

> > This message is from the Mini-Gastric Bypass Mailing List at

Onelist.com

> > Please visit our web site at http://clos.net

> > Get the Patient Manual at http://clos.net/get_patient_manual.htm

June 13, 2000

Dear Genz,

Thank you so much. I think Tom might feel comfortable calling him (after our

company leaves in a week or so). You are a sweetie!

Just got some depressing news today. Cigna just sent us our second refusal

to cover Dr R because thay say a Dr Alverdy at the Univ of Chicago does

the " same " surgery. Of course we know it is NOT the same but now I will have

to do some research to prove it. I can't find him on the web and can't get

through to his office....It will take time, I think. Meanwhile my FIL just

arrived from Indiana so it's time to put on the happy face......

Regards,

Debbie in IL

In a message dated 6/13/00 12:52:36 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

smootgen@... writes:

<< Dear Debbie & ,

I want to share some of my experience with my husband. I had my MGB

5-31-00

and he has been so supportive of me since day one. When we got married 28

years

ago I weighed 115 pounds. He has watched me struggle all these years yet he

never

really " understood " what I was going through because he does not have a

weight

problem.

He has a close relationship with most of his co-workers and they

always

share family news/stories etc....Even when I had rectal surgery a few months

ago

I was mortified to find out he told his buddies at work all about my surgery.

However, when it came time for my MGB he only told them I was having a

" specialized " surgery in Durham, NC and he would be gone a couple of weeks.

He

never told them what kind of surgery I was having. I thought this was strange

since he felt like sharing my rectal surgery with everyone. Well he went

back to

work this past Monday........last night we were talking and he was telling me

some of the kind comments and compliments the guys at work were saying about

me

in regards to my surgery. I asked him if he finally told them what kind of

surgery I had done and he said he did. I then asked why he waited to tell

them.

He said he never fully understood what was involved in the surgery until

after he

attended clinic.

He actually attended three clinics with me. I recommend attending as many as

possible because we learned something new from each one. Anyway, even though

he

had read all the material, the patient manual etc.....he did not feel

comfortable

enough with his understanding of the procedure to discuss it with his friends

until after he went to clinic.

So now everybody at work is getting an MGB education from my dear sweet

hubby.

If any of your husbands would like to talk to Randy they can call him at

home at

817/577-0919 or his work number is 214/464-1120. He loves talking about this

surgery since his is such a " subject matter expert " about the MGB.

Best Wishes,

Genz

>>

June 13, 2000

Dear Genz,

Thank you so much. I think Tom might feel comfortable calling him (after our

company leaves in a week or so). You are a sweetie!

Just got some depressing news today. Cigna just sent us our second refusal

to cover Dr R because thay say a Dr Alverdy at the Univ of Chicago does

the " same " surgery. Of course we know it is NOT the same but now I will have

to do some research to prove it. I can't find him on the web and can't get

through to his office....It will take time, I think. Meanwhile my FIL just

arrived from Indiana so it's time to put on the happy face......

Regards,

Debbie in IL

In a message dated 6/13/00 12:52:36 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

smootgen@... writes:

<< Dear Debbie & ,

I want to share some of my experience with my husband. I had my MGB

5-31-00

and he has been so supportive of me since day one. When we got married 28

years

ago I weighed 115 pounds. He has watched me struggle all these years yet he

never

really " understood " what I was going through because he does not have a

weight

problem.

He has a close relationship with most of his co-workers and they

always

share family news/stories etc....Even when I had rectal surgery a few months

ago

I was mortified to find out he told his buddies at work all about my surgery.

However, when it came time for my MGB he only told them I was having a

" specialized " surgery in Durham, NC and he would be gone a couple of weeks.

He

never told them what kind of surgery I was having. I thought this was strange

since he felt like sharing my rectal surgery with everyone. Well he went

back to

work this past Monday........last night we were talking and he was telling me

some of the kind comments and compliments the guys at work were saying about

me

in regards to my surgery. I asked him if he finally told them what kind of

surgery I had done and he said he did. I then asked why he waited to tell

them.

He said he never fully understood what was involved in the surgery until

after he

attended clinic.

He actually attended three clinics with me. I recommend attending as many as

possible because we learned something new from each one. Anyway, even though

he

had read all the material, the patient manual etc.....he did not feel

comfortable

enough with his understanding of the procedure to discuss it with his friends

until after he went to clinic.

So now everybody at work is getting an MGB education from my dear sweet

hubby.

If any of your husbands would like to talk to Randy they can call him at

home at

817/577-0919 or his work number is 214/464-1120. He loves talking about this

surgery since his is such a " subject matter expert " about the MGB.

Best Wishes,

Genz

>>

June 13, 2000

Dear Genz,

Thank you so much. I think Tom might feel comfortable calling him (after our

company leaves in a week or so). You are a sweetie!

Just got some depressing news today. Cigna just sent us our second refusal

to cover Dr R because thay say a Dr Alverdy at the Univ of Chicago does

the " same " surgery. Of course we know it is NOT the same but now I will have

to do some research to prove it. I can't find him on the web and can't get

through to his office....It will take time, I think. Meanwhile my FIL just

arrived from Indiana so it's time to put on the happy face......

Regards,

Debbie in IL

In a message dated 6/13/00 12:52:36 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

smootgen@... writes:

<< Dear Debbie & ,

I want to share some of my experience with my husband. I had my MGB

5-31-00

and he has been so supportive of me since day one. When we got married 28

years

ago I weighed 115 pounds. He has watched me struggle all these years yet he

never

really " understood " what I was going through because he does not have a

weight

problem.

He has a close relationship with most of his co-workers and they

always

share family news/stories etc....Even when I had rectal surgery a few months

ago

I was mortified to find out he told his buddies at work all about my surgery.

However, when it came time for my MGB he only told them I was having a

" specialized " surgery in Durham, NC and he would be gone a couple of weeks.

He

never told them what kind of surgery I was having. I thought this was strange

since he felt like sharing my rectal surgery with everyone. Well he went

back to

work this past Monday........last night we were talking and he was telling me

some of the kind comments and compliments the guys at work were saying about

me

in regards to my surgery. I asked him if he finally told them what kind of

surgery I had done and he said he did. I then asked why he waited to tell

them.

He said he never fully understood what was involved in the surgery until

after he

attended clinic.

He actually attended three clinics with me. I recommend attending as many as

possible because we learned something new from each one. Anyway, even though

he

had read all the material, the patient manual etc.....he did not feel

comfortable

enough with his understanding of the procedure to discuss it with his friends

until after he went to clinic.

So now everybody at work is getting an MGB education from my dear sweet

hubby.

If any of your husbands would like to talk to Randy they can call him at

home at

817/577-0919 or his work number is 214/464-1120. He loves talking about this

surgery since his is such a " subject matter expert " about the MGB.

Best Wishes,

Genz

>>

June 13, 2000

Dear Debbie & ,

I want to share some of my experience with my husband. I had my MGB

5-31-00

and he has been so supportive of me since day one. When we got married 28 years

ago I weighed 115 pounds. He has watched me struggle all these years yet he

never

really " understood " what I was going through because he does not have a weight

problem.

He has a close relationship with most of his co-workers and they always

share family news/stories etc....Even when I had rectal surgery a few months ago

I was mortified to find out he told his buddies at work all about my surgery.

However, when it came time for my MGB he only told them I was having a

" specialized " surgery in Durham, NC and he would be gone a couple of weeks. He

never told them what kind of surgery I was having. I thought this was strange

since he felt like sharing my rectal surgery with everyone. Well he went back to

work this past Monday........last night we were talking and he was telling me

some of the kind comments and compliments the guys at work were saying about me

in regards to my surgery. I asked him if he finally told them what kind of

surgery I had done and he said he did. I then asked why he waited to tell them.

He said he never fully understood what was involved in the surgery until after

he

attended clinic.

He actually attended three clinics with me. I recommend attending as many as

possible because we learned something new from each one. Anyway, even though he

had read all the material, the patient manual etc.....he did not feel

comfortable

enough with his understanding of the procedure to discuss it with his friends

until after he went to clinic.

So now everybody at work is getting an MGB education from my dear sweet hubby.

If any of your husbands would like to talk to Randy they can call him at home at

817/577-0919 or his work number is 214/464-1120. He loves talking about this

surgery since his is such a " subject matter expert " about the MGB.

Best Wishes,

Genz

DebLaMan@... wrote:

> Hi ,

> I understand exactly where you are coming from and will share what I did to

> help my husband, who, like yours is usually supportive. First, though,

> understand that " normal " people will never truly understand what you and I

> know to be true. Not really. Unless you have gone through it, unless you

> live it every day, you do not know. My husband eats like a horse--we're

> talking 5 whoppers at a crack (and all the " go-withs " ). But, he can also go

> without if he is too busy. He often says, " I never think about food, but

> once I start eating, LOOK OUT! " He is of normal weight. He is lucky and is

> blessed with a great metabolism and heredity. He can also turn down dessert

> or any food if he feels he needs to. Do you see why I say he can never truly

> understand what we go through?

>

> Now, to answer your question. I am pursuing this surgery for my 16-yr-old

> daughter who at 5'3 " weighs 255 pounds (and steadily rising). A lot

> of her weight is centered around her midsection and she has severe asthma. I

> am scared to death that she will die (we have already spent a week in the

> hoospital). After she has the MGB, I will pursue it for myself. My husband

> has been dead-set against the surgery. He loves desperately and is so

> afraid that this will be a mistake. As I was getting nowhere in our

> " discussing it, " I put together a packet for him to read when he was alone on

> a 2-hr (each way) limo ride to a meeting this past week. What was in the

> packet? First of all, I had already received emails from 43 former patients.

> I printed off those (copy and pasted together). Next, I included my appeal

> letter to Cigna, which outlined the procedures benefits, etc. Also my letter

> to Chris' PCP, passionately giving thre reasons why the MGB is necessary. I

> also included the physician profile on Dr R. I did not put in the patient ed

> manual--that I wanted to go over WITH him, once the other items had " softened

> his heart. " And guess wwhat? IT WORKED! All of those beautiful letters

> from patients helped him better understand the agony we go through. My ins

> appeal letter layed out the facts and the answer. The letter to Chris' Dr.

> showed my deep concern and fears as well as outlining her history. Seeing

> this all in black and white was pretty eye-opening for him. After his

> business trip he finally gave me the 2 hours I had been begging for. We sat

> down and went through the manual together. He had made notes when reading

> the packet and he asked a lot of questions. He still has concerns and

> questions, but he now understands in a way he never did before.

>

> Now for the really personal part. I have shared this with no one, and here I

> am " blasting " it in public! At the end of the packet I included a letter

> that I had written to my PCP 2 years ago but never mailed. It was written

> back when was under 200 pounds, and thus long before I even thought

> about the surgery for her, and certainly long before I learned of MGB. It

> was a letter explaining how miserable I was with myself, my weight and my

> life. How I was emotionally abandoning my wonderful husband because of the

> total disgust I felt with myself. How could I be such a strong woman and not

> be able to control this one awful aspect of my life. I wrote about not

> letting him see me naked, about never wanting his co-workers or associates to

> meet me. I was crying out for WL surgery. I never mailed the letter because

> I discovered that I did not meet the minimum wt. requirement for that

> particuliar operation. I continued to hide my true feelings toward myself

> and " trudged on " through life, putting on a happy face, when I felt anything

> but happy. But, isn't this what we all do? Isn't this how we try and cope

> in a thin-obsessed world?

>

> Back to the packet. At the very end I included a letter to my husband

> telling him why the MGB was so important to me, also-- so important to US.

> His response to my " from the heart " packet was equally heartfelt and now we

> are united in our quest for the MGB. He will always be a thin man and I'm

> sure a part of him will never thoroughly understand. But he is willing to

> support, the best way he can.

>

> You will, of course, have to find your own way, but I know it is possible for

> you to open your heart in a most personal way and help your husband to

> understand. He loves you so much that he is truly scared. Most important,

> though, you need his courage, and strength as much as you need your own.

>

> I wish you all the best. Please let me know if there is something I can do.

> To eveyone else on the list, I am sorry this has been so long.

>

> Warm regards,

> Debbie in IL

>

> In a message dated 6/13/00 6:54:00 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

> cmanikas@... writes:

>

> << Hello, everyone. I've been reading these posts for a couple of weeks

> now and there is no question in my mind that this is the answer to my

> prayers! I just read in my insurance brochure last night that WLS is

> covered. But when I tried to talk to my husband about it, well, he

> wasn't too receptive to the idea. He asked me what would keep me from

> eating things I shouldn't after the surgery. And the pouch can be

> stretched, can't it? So what would keep you from gaining back the

> weight? he asked. I told him learning a new way to eat. So, of

> course, he asks why can't you just do that now?

>

> I don't know how to make him understand that sure, I can learn new

> eating habits. And maybe I can lose 5-8 pounds a month. But I need

> better results than that to keep me going! I can starve myself for a

> month, be hungry all the time and lose only a few pounds. That's

> depressing--which leads to overeating again.

>

> He's usually so supportive. I'm so emotional about this, I can't seem

> to be calm enough to be able to talk to him. Does anyone have any

> advice for me?

>

> XXXOOO

>

> >>

>

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> ------------------------------------------------------------------------

>

> This message is from the Mini-Gastric Bypass Mailing List at Onelist.com

> Please visit our web site at http://clos.net

> Get the Patient Manual at http://clos.net/get_patient_manual.htm

June 13, 2000