OT. Here's the diet for us!

[Guest guest]

(found on the internet, author unattributed)

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with

most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet),

or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke

(the all-meat diet).

Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3

days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.

Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have

a gland problem? Or is there a slim (groan) hope?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!

Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most

two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black

coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After

consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught

moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive,

offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on

this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor... otherwise you

might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

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Breakfast

One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the

floor.

Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and

clothes.

Lunch

Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a

glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner

A dry stick, two pennies, and a nickel.

Bedtime Snack

Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

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Breakfast

Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half

bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch

Half a tube of " Pulsating Pink " lipstick and a handful of

Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack

Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in

dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.

Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner

A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left

nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

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Breakfast

Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in

hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.

After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off

fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch

Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several

bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner

Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.

FINAL DAY

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Breakfast

A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an

olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a

half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed

cereal to dog.

Lunch

Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that

sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner

A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on

plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.