humor from Relles

[Guest guest]

" I had the strangest dream last night, " was

telling his psychiatrist. " I saw my mother, but when she turned

around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You were slapping

a dwarf with one hand and eating a purple taxi on raisin bread with the

other. As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact I woke

up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep.

I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up,

drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you

could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream. "

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: " A

Coke? That's a breakfast? "

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Soon after Dominik arrived in America (from Prague, Czechoslovakia) he

began having trouble with his eyes. So he decided to get them checked

out.

He went to an ophthalmologist who was quick to show him an eye chart

displaying the letters -- 'CVKPNWXSCZ'.

" Can you read this? " the doctor asked.

" Can I read it? " the Czech replied. " I dated his

sister! "

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CLASSES FOR MEN AT YOUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR AD DULTS

SIGN-UP BY JULY 25TH

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents,

each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants.

Topic 1 - How To Fill Up Ice Cube Trays. Step By Step, With Slide

Presentation.

Topic 2 - Toilet Paper Rolls: Do They Grow On The Holders?

Roundtable Discussion.

Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The

Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group

Practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The

Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - After-dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can They Actually Levitate

and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples On Video.

Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Helpline Support And Support Groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right

Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.

Open Forum.

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your

Health. Graphics And Audio Tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Live Testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel

Parks? Driving Simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife.

Online Class And Role Playing.

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises,

Meditation And Breathing Techniques.

Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,

Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To

Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions And Full Lobotomies Offered.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the

survivors**

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A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the

showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio

stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She

immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain

that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only

had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her

car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state

aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.

She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word

" country, " and the radio changed to a station playing a

Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she

decided to test the radio some more, and said " rock 'n' roll; "

the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the

speakers.

Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few blocks from her house,

another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a

collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, " Idiot! " ...The radio

cut over to Bush's press conference.

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[below are some more, crazy simile contest winners that can be read only

in small doses for fear of damage to internal organs.]

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled

with vegetable soup. Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,

surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and

Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy ,

Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck

, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Beland, Springfield