Re: Re: Dinner and image

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/8/2002 1:34:08 PM Eastern Standard Time, ngbcpa1 writes:

> But it is hard to

> listen to people who can and do eat whatever they want and stay at an ideal

> size/weight and they wonder what is " wrong " that the rest of us can't just

> get it right. Yes it feels like punishment sometimes, but I imagine

> psoriasis, kidney stones, prostate trouble, drug addicted

> teenagers, and lots

> of other things I DON'T have to suffer do as well.

Yes, I bet it is really frustrating. There are times when I pour my husband's

milk or bake his nightly cookies that I wish I could have milk and cookies.

There are times (many at work) that I watch people eat stuff that looks/sounds

sooooo good, and I would like to do that, but cannot. I guess after all of

these years, the mind has become very powerful for me, and the feeling of

sickness just overpowers the feelings of the " want " . I know I cannot go to a

restaurant and eat steak... hence, I order stuff that I know I can eat.

Sometimes I get hidden milk in it, i.e., fetaccinni, and suffer later (along

with my family LOL) but I guess at this point, after having been so sick, I am

thankful that I can get in what I do.

I'm going through a body aches, eyes ache, period of time, and although my iron

is still good, I feel like crap and I cannot pinpoint why. It's been going on

for several weeks now, and I haven't exercised, not even a WALK, in three years.

I just can't. I can only imagine if I was overweight again. I still see myself

extremely fat, and rarely do I think my tummy doesn't look 5 months pregnant,

and I had a tummy tuck. I look at others, and try to decide If I'm thin like

them. One of my staff members had the WLS in September, and has lost 58 lbs.

She is looking so good. But, I'm so afraid I will hit a point along WITH her,

that I will start gaining again. They say it will happen, and I have read

accounts of it happening, but because I am distal, am I immune to this? I fear

the scale at the doctor's office - even 2 lbs sends me into a depression.

Somedays I eat more, and wonder where the hell I put it all. Then, of course, I

feel " fat " . I did step on the doctor's scale on Friday and lost the same pound

I always lose and gain back. And I was feeling fat again. I want to lose 10

lbs, but it won't budge no matter what I do. I wish I could say " I lose 2 lbs a

month " but I haven't even a CLUE as to how to do that. I guess exercise is the

key, but my body hurts so much at this point, that I cannot move off my butt. I

envy those who say they go to the gym. The exercise I do get is taking the

stairs rather than the elevator at work. I only do that cuz I feel like an

idiot waiting for the elevator, and I'm afraid someone will walk down the hall

and think less of me because I am too damn lazy and fat to walk the stairs.

When in fact, the reason I take the stairs also is because my purse and brief

case are heavy (to me) and I don't feel like I can carry it another minute and

so I rush to my office so I can set it down. I am 5'8 " tall, weigh 155 to 158

lbs on any given day, and wear anywhere from a size 4 to a size 8, depends on

the brand or style. I still think I'm fat. My lowest weight was 145, and

that's where I want to be. Was I healthy then? I think so. I was 154 when I

was diagnosed with protein malnutrition and anemia, hence, I am sure that my

body gained the weight to compensate for the starvation.

Anyway, sorry it is so long. Hugs go to you . I totally admire you, and

your strength. I just wish I had a minute amount of it.

With best wishes,

B

Distal RNY 12/27/95

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