Here I gooo.....

[Guest guest]

Supplements, supplements supplements...

Protein shakes, calcium citrate, leg cramps, dumping, holes in

obscure places in my body..

BLAAAAHH!!

I'm feeling burned out on being healthy.

Coincidentally, it's raining cats and dogs here, grey and murky, bone

chilling cold and we're all fighting the flu.

I also went to my orientation for a job search program I just

joined. I guess the ball really is rolling forward as far as

building my own life with the probable result of separating from my

hasbeen.

Sigh.

If only he would do everything I told him, things would be so much

better fo us all! (just joking!!!!)

Actually, the cruise went as expected, not as hoped for. Now he's

booked a trip to Reno for Christmas so he can gamble more, so the

kids and I will be alone for Christmas eve and day. I just don't get

it. It's beyond everything I know and value.

But I suppose I don't have to. For me, I covered up my relationship

problem with years of eating and drinking until I became 370 pounds.

My situation was tolerable so long as I shut myself in another room

as soon as he came home and sedated myself with food. I kept

on " drinking poison expecting the other guy to die " until I finally

dug myself into a hole I couldn't get out of.

For some people this wls seems like more of a physical journey, but

for me it is much, much more than that. By committing to this new,

healthier way of life, I am forced to make decisions which I have

long avoided and certainly do not relish. I know the way it was is

intolerable, but the road ahead, while I trust it will be rewarding,

is definitely a long, long, hard one. I just have to left foot,

right foot it at this point. I am acutely aware that I am standing

at a turning point right now, much more so than when I decided to

have the surgery. That was a passive act in comparison.

I feel overwhelmed, nervous, fearful of failure and, at the same

time, energized, excited and anticipatory. It's so intense compared

to being numbed out.

I'm fantasizing about a warm, tropical locale with a soft, coconut

scented breeze. Meanwhile I'm trying not to go for the butter toffee

peanuts which I know are in the cupboard.

(these have been there for weeks w/ no problem, but now the ugly

stress monster is playing havoc with my head!)

It's all good. I went to the gym at 6am this morning before the 3

1/2 hour class so I would be relaxed and my butt wouldn't get

permanently stuck to the oh so gruesomely uncomfortable molded

plastic chair. That helped.

BTW, I'm in a regular 18 now at 235 pounds. How freaky to still be

going to the large size department on auto pilot. I feel like I

don't even know how to shop in the regular department....where is

evrything? Plus I've never even looked at what regular shops the

mall has. Oh boy, a whole new adventure.

Smiles,

Vicki A.

[Guest guest]

What a great, exhausting, and at times, extremly stressful journey

you are going on!! Good for you!

I know what you mean about the shopping. I find the large clothes

stores much more comforting. I was able to go into one small store,

buy everything from undies and pantyhose to shoes and accessories.

It was so easy...but at the same time, so difficult. NOW, I can shop

anywhere, but feel very lost in the whole big world. I have to go to

more then one store to get everyhting I need. I have SOOOOO MANY

CHOICES it makes my head spin. I can shop in EVERY clothing store in

the WHOLE mall (except layne bryant-too small for them now). I have

never been much of a fashion queen, but find that now, I have no

idea what " fashionable " is!! I have been into camoflaging for so

long, I do not know anything else, or any other style.

I think I need a whole make over. Head to toe. I am starting

tomorrow by getting this moppy looking hair cut and colored. I think

I might then do the makeup make over. Then...on to clothes. I may

have to get some of my more fashionable girlfriends to help out with

that one!! I could use a personal shopper. Or wardrobe consultant.

Oh Man, now is when I should do one of those before and after

pictures!!

> Supplements, supplements supplements...

> Protein shakes, calcium citrate, leg cramps, dumping, holes in

> obscure places in my body..

>

> BLAAAAHH!!

>

> I'm feeling burned out on being healthy.

>

> Coincidentally, it's raining cats and dogs here, grey and murky,

bone

> chilling cold and we're all fighting the flu.

>

> I also went to my orientation for a job search program I just

> joined. I guess the ball really is rolling forward as far as

> building my own life with the probable result of separating from

my

> hasbeen.

>

> Sigh.

>

> If only he would do everything I told him, things would be so much

> better fo us all! (just joking!!!!)

>

> Actually, the cruise went as expected, not as hoped for. Now he's

> booked a trip to Reno for Christmas so he can gamble more, so the

> kids and I will be alone for Christmas eve and day. I just don't

get

> it. It's beyond everything I know and value.

>

> But I suppose I don't have to. For me, I covered up my

relationship

> problem with years of eating and drinking until I became 370

pounds.

> My situation was tolerable so long as I shut myself in another

room

> as soon as he came home and sedated myself with food. I kept

> on " drinking poison expecting the other guy to die " until I

finally

> dug myself into a hole I couldn't get out of.

>

> For some people this wls seems like more of a physical journey,

but

> for me it is much, much more than that. By committing to this

new,

> healthier way of life, I am forced to make decisions which I have

> long avoided and certainly do not relish. I know the way it was

is

> intolerable, but the road ahead, while I trust it will be

rewarding,

> is definitely a long, long, hard one. I just have to left foot,

> right foot it at this point. I am acutely aware that I am

standing

> at a turning point right now, much more so than when I decided to

> have the surgery. That was a passive act in comparison.

>

> I feel overwhelmed, nervous, fearful of failure and, at the same

> time, energized, excited and anticipatory. It's so intense

compared

> to being numbed out.

>

> I'm fantasizing about a warm, tropical locale with a soft, coconut

> scented breeze. Meanwhile I'm trying not to go for the butter

toffee

> peanuts which I know are in the cupboard.

>

> (these have been there for weeks w/ no problem, but now the ugly

> stress monster is playing havoc with my head!)

>

> It's all good. I went to the gym at 6am this morning before the 3

> 1/2 hour class so I would be relaxed and my butt wouldn't get

> permanently stuck to the oh so gruesomely uncomfortable molded

> plastic chair. That helped.

>

> BTW, I'm in a regular 18 now at 235 pounds. How freaky to still

be

> going to the large size department on auto pilot. I feel like I

> don't even know how to shop in the regular department....where is

> evrything? Plus I've never even looked at what regular shops the

> mall has. Oh boy, a whole new adventure.

>

> Smiles,

>

> Vicki A.

[Guest guest]

It's really simple vicki. Gambling is to the gambler, what food is to the

compulsive overeater, what drugs are to the adict etc. The only major

difference, is we harm only ourselves.

You are woman, I hear you roar. Whatever your heart and head decide to do

will be the right choice for now. We are with you 100%. Fay Bayuk