I might be drowning

[Guest guest]

I need to throw this out there to take the power out of it this

morning.

I'm getting anxious because I'm munching and not following a healthy

eating style ever since I came back from the cruise.

I am still going to my morning meditation (but not this morning,

hence my state of mind) and going to the gym. I am staying connected

with this group and I did attend two half day sessions this week to

qualify me for a job search service. I know I am taking care of

myself.

But after the cruise it was apparent that I need to go forward with a

divorce. I was holding it together pretty well until hasbeen booked

the trip to Reno during the Christmas holidays.

(He didn't do it out of anger or revenge, I'm pretty sure. He's self-

centered and clueless. I really have been holding it together, taking

care of myself and have had no confrontations with hasbeen. In fact,

things are eerily smooth)

For some reason, his not being there for the kids really hurled me

into depression. Maybe it's because it was an undeniable

confirmation that it's not my problem and I therefore cannot " solve "

it and make the marriage work. I projected how disappointed the kids

would be Christmas Eve and morning with him not there, but to tell

the truth, they don't seem upset about it, so that must be my own

value judgement.

I guess it's just grief and sadness. I'm sure those of you who lost

loved ones recently can understand when I say that it just seems to

permeate my whole body. It never leaves, although it only becomes

intense on occassion unexpectedly.

The reason I share this is because I find myself on the verge of

being out of control with food, if not over the precipe. So far this

morning I had about 2 T peanuts, one cinnamon candy and a

persimmon...all stuff I just picked up which was handy and doesn't

have to be prepared.

Yesterday I ate candy also (at night), plus three slices of bread,

two persimmons, 3 string cheeses (at 10 pm), half an old baked

potato, a biscuit and LOL a protein shake and 3 cups of coffee. Oh,

and we made cupcakes and I ate batter until I was literally sick.

In class yesterday, the lecturer was talking and I found myself

thinking of a huge tub of popcorn with extra butter and salt.

This is a problem (duh), and I hope it is temporary. I woke up this

morning AFRAID I would mess up again today, vowing to keep a tight

grip, and immediately ate the peanuts.

AARGH!! I JUST HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO WALK THROUGH THINGS WITHOUT

STUFFING MY FACE!!!

I have to remind myself that now I have an opportunity to be diligent

and really hammer home some new healthy habits that will PERMANENTLY

change my behavior and reactions to adversity.

I have the choice to sabatoge myslef or to make it through to the

other side with self-esteem and pride of accomplishment.

The first thing I'm going to do when I sign off is go the the market

and load up on healthy foods so they are ready and available. Then I

will go the gym and try to fight off the blues. Tonight I am going

to a party (alone, of course) and I vow to take extra time to wear

something special and do a good make-up and use wonderful perfume. I

will wear high heels.

And I will make a vege platter to take along just in case the spread

is all fattening foods (and I know it will be with this group,

complete with cream puffs and parmesan artichoke dip).

Finally, I will hug and squeeze my kids and thank God I am relatively

healthy and have a chance at last to see them grow up.

OK, I feel a little better now. Thanks to you all for being honest

and forthright so that I've had the chance to see how others

struggled and overcame the mean munchies.

Smiles (and I mean that!)

Vicki A.

[Guest guest]

Vicki,

I am sitting in a meeting in Chicago at the moment, sneaking in e-

mail over wireless access instead of listening attentively to the

speaker.

You are in crisis. The thing that you need to do more than

anything else is to be kind to yourself; be forgiving of your

seemingly aberrant behavior. If you go crazy with food for a

coupl'a days, it's OK. Hug yourself; don't castigate yourself or

torture yourself with gymnastic atomement.

Love,

Steve

>

> I'm getting anxious because I'm munching and not following a

healthy

> eating style ever since I came back from the cruise.

>

>...

> But after the cruise it was apparent that I need to go forward with

a

> divorce. I was holding it together pretty well until hasbeen

booked

> the trip to Reno during the Christmas holidays.

>...

> For some reason, his not being there for the kids really hurled

me

> into depression. ...

>

> The reason I share this is because I find myself on the verge of

> being out of control with food, if not over the precipe. So far this

> morning I had about 2 T peanuts, one cinnamon candy and a

> persimmon...all stuff I just picked up which was handy and

doesn't

> have to be prepared.

>

> Yesterday I ate candy also (at night), plus three slices of bread,

> two persimmons, 3 string cheeses (at 10 pm), half an old baked

> potato, a biscuit and LOL a protein shake and 3 cups of coffee.

Oh,

> and we made cupcakes and I ate batter until I was literally sick.

[Guest guest]

Vicki, my girlfriend just left my house after spending the morning in

court finalizing her divorce. Then I read your post, and it brought

back going through the really bad times with her. Her divorce was

super nasty, a lot of hateful words thrown around. I don't know

which is worse, screaming expletives at each other or dealing with

someone who is so clueless as to what he's doing that you feel

hopeless. Either way, you will get through this and be all the

stronger and better for it. Oh, and she did say that she feels like

a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders.

The little binges? They're really not all that bad, well, except for

maybe the cupcake batter. Don't worry, honey, you sound really

healthy, in body and mind. )

Love,

in NJ

[Guest guest]

Vicki,

We are in the same boat, albeit on different days of the cruise. :-) My

divorce was final 11/21, and for the most part, that was a huge relief,

but I've been blindsided about by the grief I feel that it will just be

my almost-3 year old and I for Christmas. It just seems like something

you should have more people to share with. I'm sort of asking around

among my friends who might be " strays " but it seems they have all

scraped up the cash and they're going home to their families.

I have been eating like a fiend. I lost 9 pounds on a 12-day vacation

last month, and have gained back 7 of them in two weeks. I didn't even

know that I was capable of gaining that much that fast and it's scared

the shit out of me (but the flushing went just fine LOL) I know part of

it is that I am alone a lot more now than I was on vacation when I was

always with family and friends, so I don't have that

don't-want-to-eat-this-in-front-of-them feeling. And it's easier at my

home and office where I have food that I like and know I'm not allergic

to.

I also have just come down from a leukemia scare that turns out to

" only " be pernicious anemia of unknown cause. It really knocked me down

to be so frightened about perhaps having cancer, having just spent 15

months of my life working so hard to become healthy, and of course, the

low iron & B-12 that I do have both contribute to lack of energy and

depression.

If you find the answer, let me know what it is. I wish we lived nearby

so we could do Christmas together. I hated Christmas growing up because

I always managed to get in trouble somehow, but I wanted it to be a

special thing for Joanne. With just the two of us and a mom who feels

out of control and depressed despite the maximum dose of Wellbutrin,

that might be tough.

Ziobro

Open RNY 09/17/01

310/128 but now 135/125

I might be drowning

I need to throw this out there to take the power out of it this

morning.

I'm getting anxious because I'm munching and not following a healthy

eating style ever since I came back from the cruise.

[Guest guest]

I have never been divorced (or married for that matter). I do

relate to not having family around for Christmas. About 12 years ago, my

family and I were going through some major problems between a vary

controlling mother and an alcoholic, unavailable dad. We did not talk to

each other much less see each other for 10 years. Since I was not

married or have kids, that always left a blank space when it came to

holidays.

One of the things that I finally did was start doing Meals on

Wheels Thanksgiving Day, the Day after, Christmas Day and New Year's Day.

There was something very rewarding about delivering meals to shut-ins on

a holiday where they, themselves, may not have family, the family has

forgotten them, or the family has other plans. These people were so

excited to see anyone. There were families that volunteered to deliver

meals on these days. The parents often mentioned how excited the

shut-ins were with kids around.

I know that this may not be for everybody. One of the things I

realized for me was that if I did something for someone else on those

days, I felt better. I didn't feel lonely. I kept busy. I didn't cry

all day. There are so many things I could do. I know for Thanksgiving

this year I baked cookies and brownies and took them up to the Fire

Department close to my house. I love to bake but certainly don't want

the stuff around my house for me to eat on. So this was really a nice

treat. It allowed me to bake without having to eat any of it. Okay,

okay, I had a taste or two but I certainly didn't eat dozens of cookies

and all of the brownies. The stuff actually made it to the fire

department. I have been doing a ton of crafts this last year and a half

and will be donating them to a nursing home tomorrow. I figure the

crafts will be great for those people not getting gifts or for gift

exchanges among the residents.

I guess what I am suggesting is that if you can't find someone's

house to go to maybe you can find an organization, homeless shelter,

nursing home, etc that could use some Christmas spirit. It can be as

simple as going to a nursing home and talking with some of the residents,

baking stuff for a homeless shelter, taking presents to a domestic

violence shelter, etc. It has truly been a blessing for me on holidays

that I was totally depressed. Hope this helps.

Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs.

SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs.

Current Weight 302 lbs.

Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

On Wed, 11 Dec 2002 13:50:29 -0800 " Ziobro " juliaz@...>

writes:

> Vicki,

>

> We are in the same boat, albeit on different days of the cruise. :-)

> My

> divorce was final 11/21, and for the most part, that was a huge

> relief,

> but I've been blindsided about by the grief I feel that it will just

> be

> my almost-3 year old and I for Christmas. It just seems like

> something

> you should have more people to share with. I'm sort of asking

> around

> among my friends who might be " strays " but it seems they have all

> scraped up the cash and they're going home to their families.

>

> I have been eating like a fiend. I lost 9 pounds on a 12-day

> vacation

> last month, and have gained back 7 of them in two weeks. I didn't

> even

> know that I was capable of gaining that much that fast and it's

> scared

> the shit out of me (but the flushing went just fine LOL) I know part

> of

> it is that I am alone a lot more now than I was on vacation when I

> was

> always with family and friends, so I don't have that

> don't-want-to-eat-this-in-front-of-them feeling. And it's easier at

> my

> home and office where I have food that I like and know I'm not

> allergic

> to.

>

> I also have just come down from a leukemia scare that turns out to

> " only " be pernicious anemia of unknown cause. It really knocked me

> down

> to be so frightened about perhaps having cancer, having just spent

> 15

> months of my life working so hard to become healthy, and of course,

> the

> low iron & B-12 that I do have both contribute to lack of energy

> and

> depression.

>

> If you find the answer, let me know what it is. I wish we lived

> nearby

> so we could do Christmas together. I hated Christmas growing up

> because

> I always managed to get in trouble somehow, but I wanted it to be a

> special thing for Joanne. With just the two of us and a mom who

> feels

> out of control and depressed despite the maximum dose of

> Wellbutrin,

> that might be tough.

>

> Ziobro

> Open RNY 09/17/01

> 310/128 but now 135/125

>

> I might be drowning

>

>

> I need to throw this out there to take the power out of it this

> morning.

>

> I'm getting anxious because I'm munching and not following a healthy

>

> eating style ever since I came back from the cruise.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh Vicki......my heart really goes out to you!!!!! It's tough that you have

to be dealing with the " marriage " thing at the same time you are going thru

such revolutionary changes in your lifestyle. One thing you said really

struck a chord with me. The part about making the choice to act right and

get thru this with dignity. I have been going thru the same kind of issues

the last several weeks and this is exactly what I had to do. EVERY single

time I was confronted with a possible " bad " choice I had to close my eyes

and just chant to myself " , don't do it.....don't go back to

that...just say NO and be proud and happy with yourself afterwards. " So far

it seems to be working!! Keep your head high Vicki......you really seem to

be able to reach down in and make sense outta the messes and hurts in

life.....I wish you the best!!!!! P.

I might be drowning

> I need to throw this out there to take the power out of it this

> morning.

>

> I'm getting anxious because I'm munching and not following a healthy

> eating style ever since I came back from the cruise.

>

> I am still going to my morning meditation (but not this morning,

> hence my state of mind) and going to the gym. I am staying connected

> with this group and I did attend two half day sessions this week to

> qualify me for a job search service. I know I am taking care of

> myself.

>

> But after the cruise it was apparent that I need to go forward with a

> divorce. I was holding it together pretty well until hasbeen booked

> the trip to Reno during the Christmas holidays.

> (He didn't do it out of anger or revenge, I'm pretty sure. He's self-

> centered and clueless. I really have been holding it together, taking

> care of myself and have had no confrontations with hasbeen. In fact,

> things are eerily smooth)

>

> For some reason, his not being there for the kids really hurled me

> into depression. Maybe it's because it was an undeniable

> confirmation that it's not my problem and I therefore cannot " solve "

> it and make the marriage work. I projected how disappointed the kids

> would be Christmas Eve and morning with him not there, but to tell

> the truth, they don't seem upset about it, so that must be my own

> value judgement.

>

> I guess it's just grief and sadness. I'm sure those of you who lost

> loved ones recently can understand when I say that it just seems to

> permeate my whole body. It never leaves, although it only becomes

> intense on occassion unexpectedly.

>

> The reason I share this is because I find myself on the verge of

> being out of control with food, if not over the precipe. So far this

> morning I had about 2 T peanuts, one cinnamon candy and a

> persimmon...all stuff I just picked up which was handy and doesn't

> have to be prepared.

>

> Yesterday I ate candy also (at night), plus three slices of bread,

> two persimmons, 3 string cheeses (at 10 pm), half an old baked

> potato, a biscuit and LOL a protein shake and 3 cups of coffee. Oh,

> and we made cupcakes and I ate batter until I was literally sick.

>

> In class yesterday, the lecturer was talking and I found myself

> thinking of a huge tub of popcorn with extra butter and salt.

>

> This is a problem (duh), and I hope it is temporary. I woke up this

> morning AFRAID I would mess up again today, vowing to keep a tight

> grip, and immediately ate the peanuts.

>

> AARGH!! I JUST HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO WALK THROUGH THINGS WITHOUT

> STUFFING MY FACE!!!

>

> I have to remind myself that now I have an opportunity to be diligent

> and really hammer home some new healthy habits that will PERMANENTLY

> change my behavior and reactions to adversity.

>

> I have the choice to sabatoge myslef or to make it through to the

> other side with self-esteem and pride of accomplishment.

>

> The first thing I'm going to do when I sign off is go the the market

> and load up on healthy foods so they are ready and available. Then I

> will go the gym and try to fight off the blues. Tonight I am going

> to a party (alone, of course) and I vow to take extra time to wear

> something special and do a good make-up and use wonderful perfume. I

> will wear high heels.

>

> And I will make a vege platter to take along just in case the spread

> is all fattening foods (and I know it will be with this group,

> complete with cream puffs and parmesan artichoke dip).

>

> Finally, I will hug and squeeze my kids and thank God I am relatively

> healthy and have a chance at last to see them grow up.

>

> OK, I feel a little better now. Thanks to you all for being honest

> and forthright so that I've had the chance to see how others

> struggled and overcame the mean munchies.

>

> Smiles (and I mean that!)

>

> Vicki A.

>

>

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Vicki,

There will be sunny days ahead girl. I promise you that! Hang in there and

it will get better.

I will try not to be too long but I want to share my experiences with you.

My first husband was a user of people. I have always been a giver. This

combination didn't work. Lots and lots of stories but basicaly, I did

everything for him and it just wasn't enough. I suppose this is what they

call co-dependant. I got very large, very depressed and a shell of a human

being.

After WLS, he found he could no longer control me. I became more active, had

friends and was beginning to have a life. Our last year together, I knew it

was over. He no longer tried to hide things from me...girlfriends, spending

money and an entire list of things I won't even bring up. I remained

depressed. We went to counseling the last year as well. We had gone once

before and it was the same. He wanted me to change but not him. Finally one

day, our counselour requested to see me alone. He told me that I couldn't

make someone love me no matter how good I was. He recommended I take

antidepressant to think clearer and be able to do what was best for me and

my 3 kids.

One day I told the ex that I was taking Zoloft. He said it really was all my

fault and moved in with his girlfriend and 5 daughters that day.

It was very hard after all those years. He left us with no money. I hadn't

gone to college and was a stay at home mom. We lost our beautiful house, one

of my children went through a year of serious depression, and we learned

about the food bank and leaning on others for moral support. It was never so

tough in my entire life.

I didn't begin eating as I was so stressed and we hardly had any food

anyway. I swore I wouldn't let him be the reason I started smoking again. I

did enjoy my Michelobs for a short time but saw it might become a problem so

stopped.

After time, I had a great job, finished college and was happy and on my feet

again. The kids and I were so much better off even with the struggles. After

4 years, I met my soul mate. This relationship is so much more healthy. We

are equals and I know with all my heart that he loves me. I evolved in the

process. I am really worth being loved and so are you. Love yourself and

move on with your life.

Things might seem dark now but there is only clear skies in your future.

Live for today. Don't overwhelm yourself with worry. Life happens for a

reason. Take your experiences with you and learn to be strong. You can do

anything!

Dawn

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/12/2002 11:11:55 PM Eastern Standard Time,

frwhlngrl@... writes:

> Things might seem dark now but there is only clear skies in your future.

> Live for today. Don't overwhelm yourself with worry. Life happens for a

> reason. Take your experiences with you and learn to be strong. You can do

> anything!

> Dawn

********************************

Beautiful post, Dawn. You've been through so much and come so far.

Congratulations on coming through the storm with flying colors!

in NJ

[Guest guest]

Dawn,

Thank you so much for your reply and for candidly telling your

story. It gives me hope and courage to continue with these changes

in my life.

I especially take strength from hearing that even though it was

really very hard, in the end it was worth it. I know some well

meaning people will placate me with assurances everything will be

fine, or support me by becoming indignant at my hasbeen and advising

me not to take it, ignoring the consequences.

But you and another person I know have made no bones about what I may

very well face, and yet both of you, much to my surprise and relief,

say " yes, it was and is worth it " .

Having a realistic expectation can only strengthen my resolve and

improve my chances for success. It is when I am armed only with

unrealistic expectations that I get overwhelmed when the real world

hits.

In a way it's like the experience so many of us have had with trying

to manage our weight and health in the past. How many time have we

seen supermarket magazines extolling " lose 25 pounds in 4 weeks! "

accompanied by a big, fat slice of chocolate cake on the cover?

We had a tendency to go all or nothing, trying to lose large amounts

of weight using extreme eating habits, only to be unable, as would

anyone, to sustain the program and fail. The resultant weight regain

was often not nearly as devastiting as the loss of self-esteem and

motivation.

Now that I have a manageable lifelong healthy living plan with

moderate expectations and am aware I will definitely face setbacks

from time to time, I am, at last achieving some measure of success.

But in this, as in the rest of my life, your post reminds me that

while I need to have a goal in mind, my eyes need to focused on the

road in front of me, not on the horizon.

You let me know I can do it too. Thanks Dawn. I am keeping your

post for the inevitable rocky times ahead.

Vicki A.

> Vicki,

>

> There will be sunny days ahead girl. I promise you that! Hang in

there and

> it will get better.

>

> I will try not to be too long but I want to share my experiences

with you.

> My first husband was a user of people. I have always been a giver.

This

> combination didn't work. Lots and lots of stories but basicaly, I

did

> everything for him and it just wasn't enough. I suppose this is

what they

> call co-dependant. I got very large, very depressed and a shell of

a human

> being.

>

> After WLS, he found he could no longer control me. I became more

active, had

> friends and was beginning to have a life. Our last year together, I

knew it

> was over. He no longer tried to hide things from me...girlfriends,

spending

> money and an entire list of things I won't even bring up. I remained

> depressed. We went to counseling the last year as well. We had gone

once

> before and it was the same. He wanted me to change but not him.

Finally one

> day, our counselour requested to see me alone. He told me that I

couldn't

> make someone love me no matter how good I was. He recommended I take

> antidepressant to think clearer and be able to do what was best for

me and

> my 3 kids.

>

> One day I told the ex that I was taking Zoloft. He said it really

was all my

> fault and moved in with his girlfriend and 5 daughters that day.

>

> It was very hard after all those years. He left us with no money. I

hadn't

> gone to college and was a stay at home mom. We lost our beautiful

house, one

> of my children went through a year of serious depression, and we

learned

> about the food bank and leaning on others for moral support. It was

never so

> tough in my entire life.

>

> I didn't begin eating as I was so stressed and we hardly had any

food

> anyway. I swore I wouldn't let him be the reason I started smoking

again. I

> did enjoy my Michelobs for a short time but saw it might become a

problem so

> stopped.

>

> After time, I had a great job, finished college and was happy and

on my feet

> again. The kids and I were so much better off even with the

struggles. After

> 4 years, I met my soul mate. This relationship is so much more

healthy. We

> are equals and I know with all my heart that he loves me. I evolved

in the

> process. I am really worth being loved and so are you. Love

yourself and

> move on with your life.

>

> Things might seem dark now but there is only clear skies in your

future.

> Live for today. Don't overwhelm yourself with worry. Life happens

for a

> reason. Take your experiences with you and learn to be strong. You

can do

> anything!

> Dawn

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/14/02 1:21:06 PM Central Standard Time,

vickiang@... writes:

<< I am keeping your

post for the inevitable rocky times ahead. >>

-------------------------

Vicki,

I don't know how long ago you had your surgery, but what I have heard many

times in the past is " don't make any major decisions for at least a year. "

This was said in relation to my own situation, which was 6 mos out of

surgery, I was determined I wanted a divorce. 9 mos out, still wanted one.

About a year out, things somehow started to change: first of all I found out

there aren't a whole lot of good men out there who want something MORE than

just a roll in the hay. Secondly, DH started to be more kind, more

understanding, more supportive. All of a sudden, I was wondering if I still

wanted a divorce. I'm still mulling it over; I'm just not so determined any

more. Some things have not changed and never will, but there has been

improvement, and just maybe a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. At

least I know what I've got.

Another thing I used to hear a lot is that if your marriage was good before

WLS, it will be better afterward; but if it was bad before, it will get

worse. My marriage was not good before WLS, and it did get worse. But things

seem to be straightening out. Just wanted to share this while you're still in

the " deciding " stage.

Carol A