Vickie/divorce off topic

[Guest guest]

Hi Vickie,

I would also urge you to wait to make a decision on your divorce.

Years ago I was really ready to jump out of my marriage. I was sick

of my husband being gone all the time and never making anything

important to me important enough for him to change his plans. He

flies for a living and he would never bid trips to accommodate the

holidays or anything else because it would make him have a harder

time bidding for the month and he could do better for himself when

other people senior to him would be bidding for the days off.

Everything revolved around him and his job, his hobbies he would also

travel to airshows, museums and lots of guy stuff. I have basically

lived alone for the past 17 years. We never had any kids because he

didn't want any and that was ok because I can't have any anyway but I

would have liked to adopt. What does it matter now? I'm almost 51

years old, but back in my mid thirties it was very appealing to me.

Anyway, I have spent my whole marriage making sure he was happy and

being afraid he would dump me for some 20 year old. I think that

fear and rebellion against it was what started me eating to start

with. I ate because I was lonely most of all, sad, bored, frustrated

you name it. I ate for hurt feelings and dreams not realized. He's a

nice guy, he really is and I love him. Not as much as I used to but

I'm working on that. I tried to stop loving him because it didn't

hurt as bad when he did things like choose to go somewhere when it

was a holiday or anniversary birthday, take bikini clad flight

attendants out on the boat. That kind of stuff. Not to mention he

hates family gatherings and so any family time is a total stress out

for me since he is arrogant toward them and acts like he can't wait

till they leave. It doesn't matter if it's my family or his but it

bugs me more when it's mine. They are the sweetest people.

Ok, now the part where it gets better. After I lost weight I decided

that I had been blaming my husband for everything. I could have made

a life for myself outside of him but I just never did. I sat around

waiting for him to turn into Prince Charming and just couldn't take

the hint that he wasn't going to change. I should have realized this

sooner. I assessed what was good about our relationship, I have a

comfortable life, someone who cares about me and helps me with daily

life and the hassle of keeping up a house, cars, dogs, other stuff.

I like sharing my life even if it's not my ideal of what a marriage

should be. I go to church by myself and most everything else. I

should have taken up tennis or something all these years. Some hobby

to fulfill me so that I wasn't looking to my husband to do these

kinds of things with me. I did work and I do volunteer work. I have

had some great jobs. Mind you, people do not welcome you when you do

not have children and live in a kid's neighborhood so I have

basically been shuned by the soccer moms and being a little

attractive I wasn't really welcome as a loner at many of the parties

or dinner groups. If you aren't talking about little nie or

Suzie all night then you are less of a person. I have actually had

people say stuff like that to me that unless you have children you

couldn't possibly understand what love is and stuff like that. Where

can you take a conversation after that? I once had some old coot say

to me that maybe the Lord didn't think you or your husband would have

been fit parents and that's why you were never blessed with any.

Alright, how did I get off on that. I think I am just trying to

point out that the circle of friends for me to be with was not very

big. The single women were going places to meet men or doing things

that I had already done and I didn't fit in there either. I was

lonely. I did try and try hard to make some good friends and I do

have friends it's just that they are always tied up with their

families and I can't expect them to be available as much as I am.

I feel better now and I'm glad that my husband and I are still

together. We have a history and I feel like I want to work on my

marriage. Now that I'm not embarrassed about myself I might even go

on some of his trips with him which I always did from time to time

but I mean more often. I might even go to the airshows with him. I

did all of this before but was bored to tears because I am left

standing by myself when he goes into the restricted areas and is

flying in the shows. If he would reciprocate with going dancing with

me once in awhile that would be ok but bottom line is I would just

marry some other fool so I might as well just stay with what I got.

He's a good man, just not what I was expecting. He's a real

Wayne kinda guy and I like that and I still think he's really

handsome and I don't want to lose him warts and all.

For the kids, I hope you will go slow with this. Sometimes it looks

like it would be better somewhere else. I am from a broken home and

it has been hard on me to this day. Even if my parents argued all

the time I would still rather that they had stayed together because

my mom married another man and she argued with him all the time, too.

I am thinking of you and wishing you well and believe me I can relate

to always being the 5th wheel at functions and always being

disappointed in someone but I have finally decided that I am much

happier than I realized and I would be miserable without my DH.

Sincerely,

D.