Ray's visit to the OS

May 24, 2004

Ray sent me this via email, and I thought it was so hillarious, I

thought everyone would enjoy reading it. For those of you preops, it

will give you an idea of what to expect at your final appointment

with the OS. Thanks for the laugh Ray, and thanks for allowing me to

post it here. It's a long one, but worth reading.

Dammit

****

Hi sir!

Speaking of surgery, I visited my very charming surgeon. She did all

sorts of things to ready her stuff for the surgery. And... she also

had some super great news for me! I'm to get a full Dolby 5.1 sound

system implanted in my wisdom teeth, and colour tv remote control

tongue activated system in my front teeth! That's cool!

Seriously, here's what she did.

She took two sets of moulds of both upper and lower jaw. Why two,

asked the poor guy who just don't like inorganic stuff put in his

[yet too little] mouth ? She answered that if she breaks one, she

won't have to postpone the surgery because she'd have to wait for me

to show up at her office. Logical. Still disgusting.

She took a set of imprints of my upper and lower teeth. Bare with me

as my very limited English knowledge is about to see the light of

day... She took a piece of metal that looks like a horse shoe (u

shaped) on a long stick (in order to have a grip on it), pour some

green paste on it (Shrek's toothpaste like...) and laced it on my

upper teeth for 91.7 seconds (does it show that I really dislike

having metal, acrylic and other non-human or eatable stuff in my

mouth ??). Then, came the lower jaw (a.k.a the exciting part...)

She starter with a rehearsal. She showed me how she'd place my lower

jaw by first loosening it. She firmly hold it, then started

to 'violently' move it up and down until it couldn't control itself,

then quickly placed it under my upper jaw. She did that 3 times.

Now, with the u shaped horse shoe (with Shrek's stuff on it), she did

it for real. Elapsed time : 68.27 seconds, photo finish available

upon request.. ;-)

Now, a guy would normally assume this was over.

Think again.

She took a knife, cut a few pieces of the upper Shrek's mould she

took, and mount it on a torture instrument. It fits in both your

ears (no kidding!), with a piece squeezing your front head, mounted

again on the u shape horse shoe, and she inserts this in your mouth.

Oh, she always use a ballpoint pen to put a tatoo on my right cheek

to align it. The reason to have a plan of my mouth once I'm on my

back, to align my jaws perfectly.

In a previous life, she was a Nazi. She was quite found of her

position as Master of master torturers.

It was now 6h15. I was hungry (and angry..). I've been sitting in

her office since 4h30. She decided she wanted to see the interior of

my brains. Up goes the ear piece and stand up please, I'm gonna

shoot a nice gigantic X-Ray of your head. Well... Ray... X-Ray...

that must be ok, my name's in it.

Finally, some modelling was added to my career. Stand up, says the

enchanting doctor, we're gonna take your measures and looks. She

measured my mouth, lips, palate, and all the 17 hundred millions

little piece I, up to now, ignored were actually in my mouth. Cool,

I worth more than I though, I figured! Are any of those parts

reusable for other usage, I've asked.. ? No, she said, they all have

a very unique function. Yeah, this I know, they were put in my mouth

in order for you to have fun, 37 years after I took my first breath

on Earth.

I should have stayed in my galaxy. We had no surgeon. Well, there

was this one guy, operating at distance... Vad.. something... Vader,

I think, was his name... Anyway, he's dead now. Though I heard he

found a way to come back to life... ;-)

Then, finally, came the talking. Those numbers like 20% of people

have this or that after the surgery, we're gonna install a tube to

have the liquid out of your body... (you know where I mean, don't

you.. ??) After that, she talked about the good news... ! Finally,

there's hope !

I will not be shut wired for 6 weeks. In fact, I will not be shut

wired. I will have elastic bands instead. For 2 weeks, than be able

(or forced, because she's a former torturer, she thought it necessary

to emphasize on the word Forced...) to remove them to eat, then put

them back on. Yes, my own personal arsenal of slingshots, portable,

hidden. Let me eat smarties (peanuts, M&M, etc) just once, and I'll

be able to shoot any kid in a 40 feet radius!

She also showed me (through pictures of other patients) what I'll be

looking like. Russel Crow, get dressed and move along, I'm the next

Hollywood Star! Or so I thought, until she started to talk about

bruises, swelling and those other fun factors included, free of

charges, with the surgery. How nice she is, wouldn't you agree?

She also agreed (though I saw a tear in her right eye) to let me keep

my wisdom teeth, the top ones. She said their mine, of course, but

to never hesitate to come back and ask her to remove them for me,

she'd love that very much. My pleasure, it will be, to have this

procedure done cold turkey... ;-) (at this point, I looked for the

rest room, my stomach had something to say...)

She also said I will not have a splint (me and inorganic parts... you

know...), I will not need the seringe to eat for long (two weeks, at

worst), and that I'll have no antibiotics to take home with me.

The only real problem is that I'm allergic to pain killer (when I

said that, the tear in her eye vanished, and I think I saw a smile on

her face, though it was late, and my vision was clouded by my own pre-

tears of pain..). Codeine sirup, said she, will be your next best

friend. Isn't it addictive, asked the patient whose weight was

getting lighter and lighter as a result of sweating a great deal in

anticipation of the possible killing pain not being manageable... She

said yes, but only

when used at the maximum doses and for a month or more. We'll work a

therapy with combined codeine + tylenol, you'll be ok, said the Mac

user.

That's it, my friend!

Seriously now, she said all patients view this as a bigger challenge

then it actually is. The real difficult time is the first week, of

which you spend half in the hospital, under sever medication. After

that, it gets better and better each passing day. The swelling is

the most difficult part for patients, so in other words, avoid

looking at pictures of you or looking at yourself in the mirror.

That'll be less depressive.

I've asked her about patients having a nose problem after the

surgery. She agreed this happens from time to time, but 99% of the

cases are when we need to raise the upper jaw (getting it closer to

the nose), which isn't my case.

Skip the next paragraph is you're an easily medically scared person :

she will empty my sinus! Strange as is may sounds, once my upper jaw

will be cut loose, we'll have an open access to my sinus. They have

been bugging me for the passed 41 years (and to mention I'm only 37

years old is to tell you how much I have difficulty breathing, 24

hours a day, 7 days a week, including holidays...) She will remove

everything that's in there. She said that more than 80% of the

patients never have sinus congestion after that, the other 20% have

all reduced symptoms. It's not uncommon for people who have this

surgery to get rid of their sinus medication a month after the

surgery is done. COOL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I may be forgetting a few things, but that's mainly how it went. I

have a very high confidence in her and her abilities. She's a fine

woman (despite the jokes I've made). I'm truly looking forward now

to this surgery. Eating normally, not to mention looking normally,

will be a fair reward for all the troubles, I'm positive!

May 25, 2004

It's a conspiracy! My visit went almost identically