Shape-shifters Anonymous

[Guest guest]

Jacque wrote:

" ...when do I actually convince myself I'm not a fraud...and actually

do wear a size 6?...when do I finally settle into really feeling my

" real? " size? Is this really my REAL size? I know in my head I am and

will always be an MO woman in remission...does this feeling of being a

fraud go along with it?...Anyone else relate to this? (Going on 3 years

of this foolishness!)

YES. Totally, Regina. I feel that every day when I get dressed (in size

4-6 too, like you). My husband asked for " a new portrait of you " for

the holidays this year, and I obliged him -- went to a professional

(and very expensive, but very good) photographer, dressed up, the whole

bit. I got the prints back the other day, and went through them feeling

like I was looking at pictures of another person. Unaccountably, she

had my features, but damn! she was SKINNY! What's with that??? I gave

the pix to my husband (who was nearly in tears with gratitude), and at

some point I mentioned that I didn't think they really looked like me.

He gave me one of his " geez, you are a doofus " looks, and said, " Of

*course* they look like you. This is what you look like now. Get used

to it. "

But the fact is, I have a lot of trouble getting used to it. However,

it cuts both ways. When I used to see pictures of myself at my top

weight, I didn't think they looked like me, either. Somehow, that lady

had all these extra chins, and her eyes were smaller than mine because

there was so much fat around them. My " internal vision " of myself lies

somewhere between these two extremes, I think. I see women who wear a

size 12-14, and think, " that's me -- that's my size " ...but when I ask

my husband (my dear, sweet husband who has the patience of a saint even

though he's Jewish, and I'm not sure Jews qualify for sainthood), he

says, " Nope. You're *way* smaller than that. " Oh. Okay. I think.

Jacque, I don't know how long it will take for our heads to catch up

with our bodies. I wish I did know, but I guess it's one of those

things that varies for each individual. These days, I've been trying to

just relax and not fret so much about it, but it's tough. I'm totally

with you on this one, my dear!

I.

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 22.1

-152 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

<

>

From the OTHER Jacque: After 20 years post op, I don't think my brain will

ever catch up with my body. I've worn a size 9 for longer than I wore a

24-26 (I had surgery when I was 26), and I STILL think I need to buy an

extra large or 2-X when I go shop.

Jac

mailto:jholdaway@...

http://www.pictureitdigitaldesigns.com/

http://members.cox.net/xxxfarmpaints

[Guest guest]

Wow, Jac...that's kind of sobering. I suspect I'll be right along with

you, in the nursing home insisting that we go to the plus-size stores

for my clothing when I've shrunk to the size of a wizened old monkey.

Well, I suppose there are worse ways to be crazy!

I.

--

> <

with our bodies.>>

>

> >From the OTHER Jacque: After 20 years post op, I don't think my brain

> will

> ever catch up with my body. I've worn a size 9 for longer than I wore

> a

> 24-26 (I had surgery when I was 26), and I STILL think I need to buy

> an

> extra large or 2-X when I go shop.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 22

-152 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/23/02 10:00:29 AM Central Standard Time,

kdirving@... writes:

<< My " internal vision " of myself lies somewhere between these two extremes,

>>

-------------------------------------

I've been following this thread for awhile now, and I just gotta comment and

query:

1. I can relate to the feeling " that can't be me " when I saw pics of myself

at my fattest; I never really " saw myself " being that fat in my mind's eye.

It was only when I saw pics of myself that I was able to see what other

people were obviously seeing.

2. I've lost 115 lbs, I still weigh over 200, and I still see myself as

thinner than I really am. When I see pics of myself, I realize I still have

this problem, that I see myself not as fat as I really (still) am. I'm not

discounting my weight loss success so far or any- thng like that--just saying

that I still don't have a " correct " picture in my mind of what I look like.

3. But this is the reverse of what I've been reading here. Everyone seems to

be saying they don't see themselves as THIN as they really are. Anybody else

got this " syndrome " that I have? Anyone know the reason(s) why we formerly

MO's would have such a difference in perception of ourselves?

Just wondering,

Carol A

[Guest guest]

Carol, this is really interesting to me -- it's something I used to

hear a lot from the young women I worked with when I was a social

worker in a university health centre. Distorted body image is not just

a one-way ride, though I do tend to forget that these days, being so

preoccupied with my larger-than-life vision of myself (or my

smaller-than-life reality? you be the judge! LOL).

One woman I worked with was quite obese, but could not get past the

idea of herself weighing perhaps a hundred pounds less than she did. In

her case, she had grown up skinny, and had put the weight on when she

started having children (and she'd had five). Another young woman had

been plump as a child, but had lost a lot of weight in her late teens,

and now was quite thin -- but could never seem to see herself that way.

What this makes me wonder is whether we have some kind of imprinting

thing going on, like Konrad Lorenz and his geese, where we develop our

basic body image at a certain stage in our lives, and that's the image

that sticks? I'd love to see some research done on this at some point.

(The Konrad Lorenz thing is a reference to a scientist who had some

geese which he'd raised from hatchlings. When the babies had hatched,

they " imprinted " him as their " mother " , and followed him around,

mimicking him and treating him as though he were their actual " goose

mother " . There are some very sweet pictures of him going for a swim,

with these goslings following along behind him in a neat little row.

Apparently they did not give up the idea of Dr. Lorenz as Mum until the

usual time when goslings start to mature into geese, and forget about

their own parents. Sorry for the lengthy aside, but I've always liked

this story!)

Ahem. Back to body image. I'm thinking of my own idea of what I look

like -- I think of myself as being pretty much the size I was when I

was in my early 20s. I had grown up large/normal, had gained a lot of

weight in preadolescence and adolescence, lost 50 lbs. when I was 16,

maintained a loss of about 40 lbs. until I married my first, abusive

husband, and then started to regain at a rapid rate. The point when I

was about 230 lbs. tends to be where my mind " fixes " my weight, even

though I weight nearly 80 lbs. less than that these days -- and have

weighed nearly 80 more. I've bounced up and down past that weight in

the past 20-odd (some *very* odd) years, and when I passed it on the

way down this time, I noticed that it was the place where I really felt

like " myself " again.

So, Carol, what I'd wonder is what your " weight history " has been, and

where you were when you developed your internal self-image. (Of course,

now you're going to blow my little hypothesis out of the water by

telling me that you have been super-obese since you were 10, right?

LOL) This is a topic that fascinates me, and not just because of my own

experience.

Take care,

I.

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 22

-152 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

I do understand about the body image thing. When I weighed 108 lbs I

thought I was huge. At 479 lbs I honestly didn't think I was that big.

I still have trouble now determining how big I am compared to other

people. For a long time I could not even tell you what size I wore. I

didn't buy clothes for ages and what I did have was made of stretch

material that stretched right on up with my weight. I can know wear

26/28 off of the Target racks which I couldn't do at 350 lbs. I wore a

26/28 in Lane sizes.

Lori Owen - Denton, Texas

CHF 4/14/01 479 lbs.

SRVG 7/16/01 401 lbs.

Current Weight 302 lbs.

Dr. Ritter/Dr. Bryce

On Tue, 24 Dec 2002 02:33:12 EST tuesdynite@... writes:

> I've been following this thread for awhile now, and I just gotta

> comment and

> query:

>

> 1. I can relate to the feeling " that can't be me " when I saw pics of

> myself

> at my fattest; I never really " saw myself " being that fat in my

> mind's eye.

> It was only when I saw pics of myself that I was able to see what

> other

> people were obviously seeing.

>

> 2. I've lost 115 lbs, I still weigh over 200, and I still see myself

> as

> thinner than I really am. When I see pics of myself, I realize I

> still have

> this problem, that I see myself not as fat as I really (still) am.

> I'm not

> discounting my weight loss success so far or any- thng like

> that--just saying

> that I still don't have a " correct " picture in my mind of what I

> look like.

>

> 3. But this is the reverse of what I've been reading here. Everyone

> seems to

> be saying they don't see themselves as THIN as they really are.

> Anybody else

> got this " syndrome " that I have? Anyone know the reason(s) why we

> formerly

> MO's would have such a difference in perception of ourselves?

>

> Just wondering,

> Carol A

>

[Guest guest]

You know it is funny. I know I wear a size 16 which isn't THIN by any

stretch of the imagination, however I have always had this minds eye

vision of how I actually LOOK......and it isn't ANY where close to the

size that I am. In my minds eye...I am about a size 10....and always

have been even at a size 30. However, when I walk into those boutique

stores.....the BRAIN says.......never MIND what the minds eye

SAYS........there is NO WAY JOSE that you are going to be able to wear

anything that is smaller then a size 30! So does this MEAN I have duel

personalities? LOL NOT......but there is definitely some interesting

conversations going on in my head.

Debbie in Gig Harbor

ladybostons@...

www.paws2print.com