Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 About a thousand years ago I attended a seminar at a small bank in a small town, and because it was a small group and there weren't a lot of places for us to eat lunch, we were invited to a nice luncheon in their staff break area. None of that is background important to my message about backhanded compliments, it's just that often, when a really important truth finally sinks into my thickish skull, the moment retains a special clarity in my memory. Anyway, in this break area on their break room wall was a very nice sign that said: " Never attribute to malice that which might be attributed to ignorance " . Since then I've made an effort to try to accept that sometimes when someone pays me a compliment, even when it's awkwardly worded or has that backhanded twist to it, what they are really trying to do is to actually pay me a compliment. And the backhanded twist isn't malice; it's just from not knowing a better way to say it. GOD knows I've been guilty of paying honestly intended compliments that could very easily sounded not so complimentary. God also knows that sometimes I still hear that dark little voice whispering " what did she really mean " , but that doesn't keep me from trying to hear just the nice part and hoping that the nice part was the whole message. So now I try very hard to smile and say Thank you, it's so sweet of you to notice. And when I get it just right the people who really were just trying to be nice get to feel good, too, and the ones who weren't really trying to be nice. . . Well, those folks get driven nuts by the " kill them with kindness " thing. LOL Hope everyone has a happy healthy holiday week. Amy Towery RNY 12/7/00 Dr. Stoner in Davenport, IA From 22/24 to 8/10 -- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ * nosophist1@... * amy@... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > Here I sit at goal weight reading this....my only real comment is to consider > the source. The people (loved ones & not) who say these things KNOW how to > push your buttons. People can only hurt my feelings IF I ALLOW THEM to hurt > my feelings. I KNOW in my heart that I went through a lot of hell to get at > goal & I struggle to keep myself there. Nobody who comments to me has walked > in my shoes (or in my former 321 pound body :-) > Best of everything to you! > Barb B. > > > > > > > . I just hate the double edged compliments. I look > > better, but they still want me to know that I'm not as good as I could > > be. > > Grrrrrr. > > sarah s > > minneapolis > > > > , when I reached about 180 pounds (I started right where you > > started) my sweet father said to me, " You're starting to look really > > good " . He completely meant that as a compliment but I was thinking to > > myself, " So, I really looked like hell when I was larger? " and also, " So > > when do I actually FINALLY look good as opposed to STARTING to look > > good? " .....LOL. Sometimes you just have to try not to read into things > > so much, I guess. Easier said that done, eh? > > I understand! > > Sharon P. > > > > > Barb B. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 23, 2002 Report Share Posted December 23, 2002 I have spent my whole life being insulted, ridiculed, beaten up, attacked, laughed at and generally ignored because I was morbidly obese. School was horrid, even the gym teachers made fun of me! My own step father took great delight in pointing out my weight at any and every opportunity to the point of physical abuse. Nothing anyone says now gets me upset when they are complimenting me. There is just NO way to tell someone who was 530 lbs and is now 210 or so that they look great without sounding like they thought you looked horrendous before. I just accept the compliment with a smile and a thank you. I work for the Township that I grew up in, so I am CONSTANTLY seeing people I have known all my life. Classmates who were verbally and physically abusive come in and their jaws drop. I hear everything from " What happened to that lady who USED to work here? " to " Did you change your hair? " to " OH MY GOD!!!!!! " . And I try to remember that these people are shocked at first, and might not say something politically correct in that state. (Although I must confess that when I see a former girl I went to school with who was miss hot to trot in school come in with 2 teeth, grey hair, and 75 lbs heavier, I get a evil thrill..lol) Usually, I just try to change the subject, but in most cases I end up handing out my business card because either they or someone they know has been checking into WLS. So I feel that it is a plus to have this happen. Also, I am VERY open about my WLS...I even have my surgeon's calendar with patient pics before and after on it right next to my desk. When someone notices me there, it usually stirs up conversation. All in all, I don't get angry or upset or try to read something negative into compliments. 99% of the time, the person means well. The last 1%? They are idiots anyway, so why waste my time? =o) The hardest thing for me to accept are comments from men saying I look good. I still see myself fat and ugly, so this is a totally NEW experience for me, as I have been obese since my diapers fell off. That will take some getting used to, and my hubby is wonderful about it. Just my .05 (worth slightly more than .02 with inflation and taxes) Blessings, Cindy Lou ¸,ø ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸ OK, I'm weird. But I'm saving up to be eccentric. ¸,ø ¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸ Lost 300+ lbs Gained :::LIFE::: My Home Page: http://www.ptl4wls.com My Graphics List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Grafix4Jesus/ My Christian WLS List: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/OSSG-WLSChristian/ " I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears. Surely..I will heal you. " 2 Kings 20:5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 26, 2002 Report Share Posted December 26, 2002 Awesome post! Who screwed your head on right? This is a saver. Vicki A. > About a thousand years ago I attended a seminar at a small bank in a small > town, and because it was a small group and there weren't a lot of places for us > to eat lunch, we were invited to a nice luncheon in their staff break area. > None of that is background important to my message about backhanded > compliments, it's just that often, when a really important truth finally sinks > into my thickish skull, the moment retains a special clarity in my memory. > Anyway, in this break area on their break room wall was a very nice sign that > said: " Never attribute to malice that which might be attributed to ignorance " . > > Since then I've made an effort to try to accept that sometimes when someone > pays me a compliment, even when it's awkwardly worded or has that backhanded > twist to it, what they are really trying to do is to actually pay me a > compliment. And the backhanded twist isn't malice; it's just from not knowing a > better way to say it. GOD knows I've been guilty of paying honestly intended > compliments that could very easily sounded not so complimentary. God also knows > that sometimes I still hear that dark little voice whispering " what did she > really mean " , but that doesn't keep me from trying to hear just the nice part > and hoping that the nice part was the whole message. > > So now I try very hard to smile and say Thank you, it's so sweet of you to > notice. And when I get it just right the people who really were just trying to > be nice get to feel good, too, and the ones who weren't really trying to be > nice. . . Well, those folks get driven nuts by the " kill them with kindness " > thing. LOL > > Hope everyone has a happy healthy holiday week. > > Amy Towery > RNY 12/7/00 Dr. Stoner in Davenport, IA > From 22/24 to 8/10 > -- > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > * nosophist1@m... * > amy@q... > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Here I sit at goal weight reading this....my only real comment is to consider > > the source. The people (loved ones & not) who say these things KNOW how to > > push your buttons. People can only hurt my feelings IF I ALLOW THEM to hurt > > my feelings. I KNOW in my heart that I went through a lot of hell to get at > > goal & I struggle to keep myself there. Nobody who comments to me has walked > > in my shoes (or in my former 321 pound body :-) > > Best of everything to you! > > Barb B. > > > > > > > > > > > . I just hate the double edged compliments. I look > > > better, but they still want me to know that I'm not as good as I could > > > be. > > > Grrrrrr. > > > sarah s > > > minneapolis > > > > > > , when I reached about 180 pounds (I started right where you > > > started) my sweet father said to me, " You're starting to look really > > > good " . He completely meant that as a compliment but I was thinking to > > > myself, " So, I really looked like hell when I was larger? " and also, " So > > > when do I actually FINALLY look good as opposed to STARTING to look > > > good? " .....LOL. Sometimes you just have to try not to read into things > > > so much, I guess. Easier said that done, eh? > > > I understand! > > > Sharon P. > > > > > > > > > Barb B. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted December 26, 2002 Report Share Posted December 26, 2002 > I have spent my whole life being insulted, ridiculed, beaten up, > attacked, laughed at and generally ignored because I was morbidly obese. Oh, but I think you should be angry. Who wouldn't be? (%#$^ those ignorant as- holes who made your life hell all these years! You don't deserve that kind of treatment, and neither does anybody who is different from average. But the point is now, you have a chance to live life as you want to be. I personally think you have to purge all of those negative thoughts so that you can go on and be " pure " . Here's an idea that's kind of hokey, but it is so very cleansing. Write down on scraps of paper everything people have said, done, evry single misdeed you can remember. Find a place, a campfir, a fireplace, a fire in the front yard. If you can, have a friend or two who are doing the same thing. It is so way cool and bonding. Read out the misdeed and then throw it in the fire. Watch it burn and releaseit. Just let it go. It serves no purpose. Hug your friends afterwards or hug yourself and start anew. Smiles, Vicki A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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