Wet blanket

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/26/2002 6:44:47 AM Pacific Standard Time,

vickiang@... writes:

> I just can't seem to shake the blues. Should I sit with it, or should I try

> to get out of it?

I am a " suck it up and move on " kind of person. 4 years ago my (ex)

mother-in-law was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This woman was more of a

mother to me than my own mom ever was; honestly, in my eyes she was perfect

and could do no wrong. She was treated successfully, has done chemo every

six months since. She started feeling tired over Thanksgiving, so had a new

series of tests done. On Dec. 12 they told us the cancer had spread to her

liver, and she had only 2-3 months. On Dec. 14 she died in her sleep at

home, after having spent the morning with all of her children.

My girls were distraught, and I spent a day feeling like I could not stop

crying. And then I let life take over again. I don't have the time or

energy to devote to serious grieving, and for me, it does not make me feel

better. I needed to cry and cry for a while, and then I needed to talk about

Nana, and her life, and how things were when she was here, and how they will

be different now that she is gone. But as a mom, and a wife, and an

employee, and a friend and a volunteer - there are many things that need my

energy and spirit more than my grief. I will love her till the day I am

gone, but for me, life is life and I needed to move on. We each have a

different process.

Kate

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 12/26/02 7:42:28 AM, vickiang vickiang@...> writes:

<

>

**************************************************************************

Vicki -- Bless your heart. This is the toughest time of the year. I have

felt your pain as well. My beloved grandmother (who raised me), passed away

many years ago (in 1991), and it still seems like yesterday.

My counsel for you is to simply take each day as it comes. If you feel sad,

cry. Speak of her, share your stories, share your love of her. Little by

little, the " heavy " pain gets lighter to bear.

We never forget those we love that have gone on before us, but we just get

used to keeping them in our hearts rather than our arms, and knowing that,

one day, we'll be together again. This may sound sappy, but I believe my

Gramma watches over me each and every day. It took years, however, for me

not to tear up when I spoke of her to others. And, often times, after all

these years, I still do, depending upon the story. But we move on -- and

keep their love in our hearts.

Try to take comfort in that, those that are gone are never far from us, we

just can't see their presence.

Bobbie

Anchorage

[Guest guest]

I know we've had a few people here lately who've posted about losses

of close friends, fathers... But how do you break free of the wet

blanket feeling? The death of my grandmother, whom I loved

boundlessly, is the first time I've had to deal with grief this deep,

plus I don't have substance, aka stuffing my face, to numb me out.

All you guys kind of posted and then faded away regarding this

subject. Maybe it's too personal. But I sure could use the words of

someone who went before me.

I just can't seem to shake the blues. Should I sit with it, or

should I try to get out of it? This sucks.

Feeble smiles,

Vicki A.

[Guest guest]

Vicki,

Sometimes when I really had the blues, with REALLY good reason, as in

a divorce, I knew that I could not run from them (the blues), and I

just sat in a comfortable chair every so often and let them take

control (I guess that some people would say that I grieved), knowing

that I would eventually get through the fog and make it to the other

side of the mountain where the sun shone. It worked for me. It may

not work for others.

Also, I wonder if grandma's death is not solely responsible for your

current bout of blues. You have written of your dissatisfaction with

your spouse who seems to be AWOL emotionally, even when his body is

present. You wrote of possible separation. Situations like that can

be immobilizing, too. So, is it possible that you are dealing with

more than one thing at once, though you only identify the one thing?

{{{{{big hug from the snowy right coast}}}}}

Best,

Steve

At 2:43 PM +0000 12/26/02, vickiang vickiang@...> wrote:

>I just can't seem to shake the blues. Should I sit with it, or

>should I try to get out of it? This sucks.

[Guest guest]

I just wrote a note to my best friend this morning and said basically the

same thing -- what happened to the tradition of wearing black and giving

ourselves the time we need to mourn? Others intrude on our mourning without

a second thought. Having just lost my Daddy this past week I really did NOT

feel like anyone coming over for the holiday and SAID exactly that and yet

my grown step-son and his wife appeared anyway -- no I'm sorry's no nothing

but baring gifts and holiday cheer... my 5 year old had already spotted the

gifts so in they came -- yeah, I was pretty rude about the whole time

thing -- I told them to just wait... give me a few days... what jerks. (They

are obviously at the top of my current jerk list...)

I don't know Vicki, I really don't know why people are so insensitive to

the need for others to have time to mourn. 3 years ago I lost my brother on

Dec 10th and everyone expected I should " be over it " by Christmas Eve when

they all showed up with cheer...

I don't feel the need to stuff my face or to just " sit here " but I do feel

the need to be left alone and just have the time I need alone or with just

my family right around that I can laugh or cry in my own time frame and not

something some one else attempts to " cheer me up " -- I don't want to cheer

up right that moment and when I do I can cheer myself up quite well thank

you.

I wish we had the old tradition of dressing in black, covering our doors

and windows in black until we did feel like accepting company into our homes

and how ever long that takes for each of us should just be however long it

takes. No set time can be put on our own process... it is different for each

one, for each death and for each person who mourns the loss.

> All you guys kind of posted and then faded away regarding this subject.

Maybe it's too personal. But I sure could use the words of someone who went

before me.<<

I didn't go before you but know that I am with you... no, it isn't to

personal to post about -- it is a very real emotion and most of us do tend

to have old habits of eating at our emotions so it is even on topic to post

about our grief.

I think it is more uncomfortable for others to " hear " about it because

their is a loss for words to comfort and because they care they do want to

comfort which is a nice thing but at times their is no better comfort than

to just write what your feeling and for someone else just to say... I hear

you... and that's enough.

It's hard -- it hurts -- it's been more than a week and outside of protein

shakes and vitamins I can't get food to go down -- I hesitate to share that

because people freak and say... oh, you have to eat -- well, no, I don't...

I will when I can. I have to sleep too and I'm sure that will just happen in

time as well... my time, my bodies time. At any moment that feeling can pass

and I'll be starving and wanting to eat everything in sight and curl up and

sleep for days... who knows? I don't.

As for feeling it... I guess yeah, we have to just sit here and feel it. It

helps me at times to clean up the house, iron, do the laundry or some such

thing. Other times it just helps to do nothing. To just sit and feel the

feelings, even to say out loud to myself... I miss you or this hurts... just

to validate what I'm feeling. Some times I talk out loud to my Daddy and

tell him I am happy he isn't suffering but I sure miss him.

>>> I just can't seem to shake the blues. Should I sit with it, or should I

try to get out of it? This sucks.<<<

If you are not currently on anti-depressants then I can share what happened

to my neighbor and friend. She's never been depressed or on medication but

after tending to her mom at her home for several months and holding her

while she died -- she got past the funeral and all the formalities and found

herself much like us... just wanting to climb back in bed daily and cover

her head.

She went to the doctor and got on a mild anti-depressant just to get over

the worst of it -- I think she took it for 4 months and then didn't need it

anymore. Some may need them longer, some shorter and some not at all -- I've

had to take extra the last couple of weeks and will probably do that just to

make sure I don't get to deep into the depression that I find myself stuck

there.

Your not a wet blanket for talking about this -- in fact, I wish more

people would talk about it even when we don't really know what to say about

it. We begin dying when we are born and none of us is going to leave here

without dying... it is part of the cycle of life but for those of us left

behind it is a painful part in so many ways. Talking about it, hearing about

it helps.

To me, it also helps me to touch base with reality by just reading the day

to day going on of other people... so the other posts help as well. It's a

process, a journey and we all will walk it a bit differently but none of us

has to walk it alone.

hugz,

~denise

[Guest guest]

Vicki, this may not be much help, but see if you can find the book, " On

Death and Dying, " By Dr. Kubler-Ross. In it, she explains the 7

stages of grief that everyone goes through when they suffer a traumatic

experience (and not necessarily just death). It may not " get you over " what

you're going through, but it can help you understand WHAT you are going

through.

Jac

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