grief

[Guest guest]

I took a few moments to " scan " some of the most recent messages and

read a lot regarding " grief " - to be honest I'm long overdue for bed

(its after 3am here) so I didn't take the time to follow the thread

back to it's beginnings - but I would like to throw in my $4.25 (I'm

Canadian - this should be about equal to " two cents worth " in U.S.

dollars) I am probably just repeating what others have said already -

but if so they are worth repeating anyway. I have had a lot of

experience with grief both personally and processionally. There are

some basic " truths " about grief - ones that can be seen through all

cultures (although the way of expressing grief may be different -

it's presence and " stages " appear to be universal)

Most people think of grief in association with someone dying. That is

only partially true - we grieve every loss the loss of a loved on

through death, the loss of a spouse (good or bad) through divorce,

the loss of our weight etc, Every loss is grieved for - the

difference being the length of time it takes to go through the stages

of grief and come to " acceptance " . I know that it sounds a

little " callous " to compare the loss of a loved one in the same

category as the loss of a friend through argument, the loss of a

neighbor, the loss experienced when changes occur at work - but they

are all losses and will all be " grieved over " - the loss of someone

through death might take a very long time to get through the loss of

a job will take significantly less - the same " stages " are the same

in both cases - but the loss of a job might only take hours, or days

to go through each stage - it's there - it is simply quicker.

There are many ways to help get through a significant loss in your

life - I know, from professional experience, many techniques,

exercises and methods that can support you through a loss - the first

and foremost being looking into some counseling and/or support groups

that may help you. (You can even just look on the web - I'm certain

there is " mounds " of information out there - just be carful, even if

someone has a long list of " Letters " behind their name does not mean

that they are good at their job - it only means that they are good in

school. Carefully examine anything - in any area - with a cautious

eyes)

Many f the children and adults I have worked with have been Native

American. I have studied their " Culture " and involved myself in their

communities so that I could have a better understanding that might be

valuable when working with clients. I spent some time many years ago

on a reservation and had the privilege of spending time with many of

the Elders. I learned a great deal during those months - but of all

the things I earned that has stuck with me - is about grieving. They

have a tradition that has forever changed my outlook on grief and I

believe it would make a great deal of difference if we could all

learn to follow their example (Please note: different Tribes have

different traditions - I do not know if this particular one is

exclusive to this tribe) I notice that there was one house that

people kept going to, taking meals to and doing the " daily work "

(house cleaning yard maintenance etc) A woman occasionally came out

of the house and was obviously treated with a high degree of respect.

I asked an Elder about her (thinking she must be someone of very high

standing) the elder told me that she had lost her husband in a car

crash a few months ago and she was grieving. He explained to me that

when someone died all members of their family cut off one hands width

of hair. They were then " taken care of " by the entire community -

people would take care of the " chores " ensure food was delivered,

make meals, care for small children etc. They were not expected

to " do " anything, unless they wanted to, so that they had time to

grieve. This went on until their hand width of hair grew back - at

which time they were expected to join back into " life " . This has

always stuck with me - the hardest part of grieving that I have seen

my clients go through is to give themselves permission to grieve - at

whatever pace worked for them - they also struggle deeply with the

length of time - feeling like they took too much time or too little

time. The Native tradition made some of those parts of grief simple -

they provided a visible sign that someone was grieving, they received

support in all areas of their life until they were ready to return to

everyday life - they had permission to grief as well as

an " indicator " of when to return (their belief being that their hair

would grow back as quickly or as slowly as was needed by that person)

I think this " tradition " beats most of " our " traditions such as 3

days off work for the death of an immediate family member.

Geezee - went way over my time limit - I must get to bed or I will

spend some time tomorrow grieving my loss of " sleeping " hours!

Good night all

Tracey