Was: Ring for Christmas - Judy?--Now relationships

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Talk about journeys! This is NOT to make me seem bigger, badder or

more important than anyone. It was just my journey. WLS is NOT just about

losing weight. It is about finding who you are, for yourself.

The first time I married, I was 25, a year post op, and still very much in

the " fat " mode in my mind. It only took me a few days to realize what a

horrible mistake I had made! You see, the fat part my brain told me that I

was still unattractive, and if I didn't grab this opportunity, I would " die

an old maid, " unwanted and unloved. So, I jumped right in...It took me 6

weeks to get out of that marriage. I terribly regret, to this very day, the

pain that I caused that man, because, even though I don't believe that he

truly knew what love meant any more than I did, I DID hurt him. I made

promises that I couldn't, and didn't want to keep. But the pain would have

been much worse a year or two or ten down the road, when he or I decided we

couldn't play the game anymore. We BOTH deserved more than that.

I waited 5 years before I tried that road again. I thought we had a

wonderful marriage. I was wrong. He wanted what I couldn't physically give

him-children. It wasn't that I didn't want them. I did every medical test

and surgery known to try and have JUST ONE. But, once he finally decided

that passing on his genes was more important than " til death us do part, " he

found a girlfriend, got her pregnant, and left me sitting in a hospital,

literally, from a nervous breakdown, from trying too hard to be the perfect

wife. I never gave up the image I had of myself for my whole life. I was the

oldest child, and perfect in every way but one. Obedient, made good grades,

never got into trouble, went to college on scholarships and graduated (the

only one of 5 children), but I had a flaw...I was FAT. Fast forward... I had

WLS, got a job in a career I truly adored, and became the perfect cop, and

tried to be the perfect wife. Not only that, I strived to be perfect in my

chosen hobby...raising and showing horses. I earned 6 national championships

in one year, without the benefit of a trainer. But I couldn't keep up the

demands of being perfect, and again I had a flaw...I was barren. I fell

completely apart. I wasn't perfect.

Perfect sucks. Nobody's perfect. All any of us can be is the best we know

how to be.

After my divorce, and my unwanted retirement from the police department, I

said, " Screw it. I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be, and if the world

isn't happy with me, then screw the world too. " I sat in my house, cared for

my horses and dogs, and didn't move much in any direction for 3 years. But I

didn't eat! (Did I mention that I am also a control freak? I had control

over that.) Then, I met someone (believe it or not, on the internet, but

close to home). I'm going to tell you. I told him how the cow ate the

cabbage (that is Texan for how it is, and how it will be.) He didn't care.

I was brutally honest. I told him I have my house, I have my farm, I have my

horses, I have my dogs. I have enough income to take care of them without

any help, and I'm not giving one darned thing up for anyone. I earned them

and they are MINE! This is who I was, this is who I am, and if there's any

part of it you don't like or can't live with, take a hike. He didn't care.

Somehow he saw the me inside the tough, self-sufficient, don't need anyone

exterior. In a little over 2 weeks, we will have been married 3 years. He

sold HIS house. He moved to MY zoo, and he doesn't want or ask me to " share "

it in name or title. He spoils me rotten. He has supported me in starting my

own business, both emotionally and financially. He is not a wealthy man. He

is in the military. His family has embraced me, and if they think I have any

little " quirks, " they haven't let on that they think I am odd. And I have

softened. Dramatically. I go as far out of my way to spoil him, as he does

me. I sold my car in September (BUT NOT MY TRUCK!), to buy him a boat. He

came across an SUV that he could afford a couple of weeks ago, and bought if

for ME, just to run errands in.

His 18 year old daughter came to live with us last year to go to school.

When she didn't get off her ass and follow through, I threw a fit. I told

him that she had to go to school, get a job, or get out, or they could both

go...but I wasn't going anywhere. He agreed with me. I told him I didn't

want him to agree if he didn't mean it. He said, " I mean it. I told her the

rules when she came here, and she doesn't want to follow them. " She went

" home " to Florida that night. I've asked him to call her a few times. He

refuses. Not for my sake, but because he feels that he did what he had to

do, and she'll grow up eventually. He says we didn't throw her out, we gave

her options she chose to ignore.

I know this is long, but I DO have a point. At some point, we can finally

believe that we can be normal, whatever normal is. My point came when I quit

trying to be perfect....to ME. I don't think it ever REALLY mattered to

anyone but me. It came when I finally realized I am who I am, take me or

leave me...to me. I was the person I was trying to prove myself to. I think

my biggest behavior modification came when I quit trying to cover the flaws.

I found that I can still be loveable with those flaws. And I found that I

can love myself as well, without being a bitch about it. THAT took nearly 20

years, post op. Everyone else may have other issues...or none. Mine was why

I continued to be self destructive in one form or another. I don't think I

am any more. God, I hope it doesn't take anyone else more than 20 years to

figure it out. I found my glitter, after all these years. It isn't a big

ring, but it is 24 karat, and my rock. It's the comfort of knowing I am who

I am, and I am worthy of love, just as I am.

By the way, CONGRATULATIONS, JUDY!!!

Jac

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