Words of GREAT WISDOM !!!!!

[Guest guest]

Words of Wisdom Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol

content.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

" I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.  I said, Thyroid

problem?' "

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes

for

Christmas.

" I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by

standing up really fast. "

Sign In Pet Store: " Buy one dog, get one flea... "

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

" I got a sweater for Christmas...  I wanted a screamer or a moaner. "

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.  (sorry)

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ t! est results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary.  If your parents never had it, chances are you won't

either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only

had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get

elected.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.  It is very common among losers. "

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life.  Yet it has absolutely no trade-in

value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well

keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if! it deals you tomatoes, make

Bloody 's.

Travel is very educational.  I can now say " Kaopectate " in seven different

languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.  That was

kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. "

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special person you

want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Women should not have children after 35.  Really...35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath...  You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me

lately!

" Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've

stayed alive. "

Two peanuts were walkin! g down the street.  One was asalted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted

condom?

That Schiffer must be a genius...  I told a friend my plan to

attain

world peace, and he told me I have " Schiffer Brains. "

" No one ever says " It's only a game, " when their team is winning. "

I gave my son a hint.  On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS

18. "

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,

you

have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see

your rear end without turning around.

" If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits

on

the highway? "

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

" How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss

America? "

Ever notice that people who spend mone! y on beer, cigarettes, and lottery

tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.

There I was...  surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section

in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

" Old " is when the porn movie you bring home is " Debby Does Dialysis. "

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...  now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary.  Unfortunately, there's a decimal point

involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal

! probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: " Don't

pick that up, you don't know where it's been. "

[Guest guest]

Dan, thanks, this ones a real keeper. LOved it.

hugs