humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

I love being married. I was single for a long time and I just got so sick

of finishing my own sentences. --- Kiley

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Recently seen on aT Shirt worn by a “robust” woman:

“Inside me, there's a thin Woman trying to get out - But I can usually

shut the her up with Chocolate.”

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My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by

writing them on sticky notes.

One day I noticed their password was " BatmanSupermanRobinJoker " . And so I

asked why it was so long.

" Because, " my son explained, " they say it has to have at least four

characters. "

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I understand that Wisconsin, the dairy state, is planning to change the

slogan on their license plates from: WisconsinThe Dairy State

to: Wisconsin: Come Smell Our Dairy Air.

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The winner has been named in the world wide search for the perfect man.

After careful consideration and endless debate, the Perfect Man has been

named:

MR.POTATO HEAD

He's tan.

He's cute.

He knows the importance of accessorizing.

And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

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A murder has been committed. Police are called to the golf course and find

a man standing, holding a 5-iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body

of his golfing partner.

The detective asks, " Sir, do you know this guy? "

" Yes. I caught him moving his ball. "

" Did you hit him with that golf club? "

" Yes. Yes, I did, " the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club and

puts his hands on his head.

" How many times did you hit him? "

" I don't know. Five...six ...put me down for a five. "

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat

on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman

approached her and said: " Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward,

but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind? "

" Yes, I know, " said the lady, " I need both hands to hold onto this hat. "

" But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! " said the

gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, " Sir, anything

you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat

yesterday! "

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Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood, one from Georgia, the other an

Alabamian, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared

mansion.

The Georgia peach said, " When my first child was born, my husband built

this beautiful mansion for me. "

The lady from Alabama commented, " Well, isn't that nice? "

The first woman continued " When my second child was born, my husband bought

me that fine Cadillac you see parked in the drive. "

Again, the belle from Alabama commented, " Well, isn't that nice?? "

The first woman boasted, " Then, when my third child was born, my husband

bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet. "

Yet again, the second lady commented, " Well, isn't that nice? "

The first woman then asked her companion, " What did your husband buy for

you when you had your first child? "

" My husband sent me to charm school, " declared the Bama belle.

" Charm school! " the first woman cried, " Land sakes, child, what on earth for? "

The Alabamian responded, " So that I could learn to say, Isn't that nice,

instead of “bullshit!”

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(Here are more of the world’s funniest similes)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a

Dr. Pepper can. - Wayne Goode, Madison, AL

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that

resembled Kerrigan's teeth. - Kocak, Syracuse NY

and had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also

never met. - Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of

metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

- Barbara Fetherolf, andria

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. - Unknown

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East

River. - Broadus, Charlottesville