For those of us flying to Okieland.

[Guest guest]

> All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the

>in-flight

> " safety lecture " and their other announcements a bit more

>entertaining.

> Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

>

> On a Continental Flight with a very " senior " flight attendant

>crew,

> the pilot said, " Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising

>altitude

> and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your

>comfort and

> to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants. "

>

> On landing the stewardess said, " Please be sure to take all your

> belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure

>it's

> something we'd like to have. "

>

> " There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4

>ways

> out off this airplane. "

>

> " Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed

> giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a

>ride. "

>

> As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington

>National, a

> lone voice came over the loudspeaker: " Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "

>

> After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in

>Memphis, a

> flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, " Please take

>care when

> opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like

>that,

> sure as hell everything has shifted. "

>

> From a Southwest Airlines employee: " Welcome aboard Southwest

>Flight

> XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into

>the

> buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;

>and,

> if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out

>in

> public unsupervised. "

>

> In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will

>descend

> from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over

>your

> face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your

>mask

> before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than

>one

> small child, pick your favorite.

>

> Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,

>but

> we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and

>remember,

> nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines. "

>

> " Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event

>of an

> emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with

>our

> compliments. "

>

> " Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the

> overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose

>before

> assisting children... or other adults acting like children. "

>

> " As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your

>belongings.

> Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight

> attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. "

>

> And from the pilot during his welcome message: " Delta airlines is

> pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.

> Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight! "

>

> Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in

>Salt Lake

> City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, " That was

>quite

> a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it

> wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't

>the

> flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt! "

>

> Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on

>a

> particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the

>Captain

> was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,

>the

> Flight Attendant said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.

>Please

> remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the

>Captain

> taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate! "

>

> Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect

>landing: " We

> ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to

>the

> terminal. "

>

> An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had

>hammered

> his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy

>which

> required the first officer to stand at the door while the

>Passengers

> exited, smile, and give them a " Thanks for flyi ng XYZ airline. "

>He

> said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking

>the

> passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart

>comment.

> Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady

>walking with

> a cane. She said , " Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? " " Why no

> Ma'am, " said the pilot. " What is it? " The little old lady said,

> " Did

> we land or were we shot down? "

>

> After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight

>Attendant came

> on with, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until

>Capt.

> Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt

>against

> the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

>bells are

> silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the

> wreckage to the terminal. "

>

> Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: " We'd like to

>thank

> you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the

>insane

> urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,

>we

> hope you'll think of US Airways. "