When to Propose... Or Not

[Guest guest]

Men who can answer " yes " to five or more of these questions should

consider carefully before proposing marriage.

*  In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as " that square

   thing? "

*  Does she use the phrase " you know " more than twice per sentence?

*  Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic

   surgeon.

*  Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?

*  Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on

   her?

*  Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old

   boyfriend's?

*  Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green

   Bay Packers?

*  Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

*  Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

*  If forced to use it at all, does she choose to s! pell the word sex?

*  Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House

   of Painful Delights?

When to Accept a Proposal... Or Not

Women who can answer " yes " to five or more of these questions should

consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.

*  On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could

   help with his laundry?

*  To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local

   adult bookstore?

*  Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of " Gilligan's

   Island " at least four times?

*  Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a

   lot of unruly nose hair?

*  Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its

   own stack of ketchup packets?

*  Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

*  Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase " Industrial

   Strength? "

*  Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one

   bail-bondsman?