Guest guest Posted August 21, 2002 Report Share Posted August 21, 2002 Here's some humor to brighten your mid-week If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” --Anon. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words " The " and " IRS " together it spells " THEIRS " ? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son-in-law. " Yes Dad, what is it? " The elderly man, teary-eyed, looked into his son-in-law’s face and said, " Don't be nervous, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something ever happens to me…your mother-in-law is going to come and live with you and your wife. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and more painful. His maid saw him limping and said, " I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling. " He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Monday morning he called his Dr. again to complain. " Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better. " " Really? " answered the doctor, " I don't understand it - my maid said hot water. " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is a singles ad that appeared in a local paper: " SBF (single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. " Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy. The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ An Italian man immigrates to America. He starts sweeping floors in a pizzeria, and after 15 years works his way up to owning a small chain of pizzerias. Now that he is wealthy he decides to have a huge house designed and built for him... And it is going to have everything! One day he is talking to the contractor and says, " Make a you sure you puta plenty da halo statues inna da house. I wanna hava lotsa da halo statues. One inna every room, even da bathroom. " The contractor assumes his client is very religious and carefully plans a niche in every room. He even personally searches for the perfect statue for each niche. Finally, the house is finished. The Italian man walks through his new home for the first time. The contractor points out all the features, and finally the Italian man says, " But wherea are alluh my halo statues? I wanna lotsa halo statues! " The contractor points to the niches and says, " I put a statue in every room, like you asked. " The Italian replies, " No, no, no! I donna no wanna nonea da Saintas. I wanna da halo statues! You knowa da halo statues es? Deya ring anda you picka dem up, anna you say, 'halo, stat you?' " ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ [more of the funniest similes] Even in his last years Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. Hull, Arlington The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy. Jean Sorensen, Herndon Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - Jerry Pannullo, Kensington The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.- Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington " Oh, , take me! " she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.- Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 21, 2002 Report Share Posted August 21, 2002 We always enjoy the " humor " you share with the group. Thanks for the smiles! Ned & Judy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.