humor from Relles

[Guest guest]

Just think: if it weren't for marriage, men would go through

life thinking they had no faults at

all.

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You may wish to check out this truly unusual error message. Hint: when

you get it, take a moment to read it.

http://www.mamselle.ca/error.html

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An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.

When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television

cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a

comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises: " Screech, scratch, honk,

buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... " Then he added in perfect English,

" Yes, I had a very nice flight. "

Another reporter asked, " Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington

Monument while you're in the area? "

The chief made the same noises: " Screech, scratch, honk, buzz,

whistle, z-z-z-z... " Then he said, " Yes, and I also plan to

visit the White House and the Capitol Building. "

" Where did you learn to speak such flawless English? " asked the

next reporter.

The chief replied, " Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,

z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio. "

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A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a

felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description

of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a

locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes

in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your

life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share

with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes

lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was

called.

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This guy was lonely. He decided life would be more fun if he had a pet,

so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an

unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede

(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for its

house.

The guy took the centipede home and found a good location for its box. He

decided he would start their relationship off right by taking his new pet

to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box,

" Would you like to go to 's Place with me and have a

beer? " But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered the guy a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked

again, " How about going to the bar and having a drink with me? "

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

The guy waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He

decided to ask one more time. This time, he put his face right up against

the centipede's house and shouted, " HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO

GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME? "

Finally, a little voice came out of the box: " I heard you the first

time. I'm putting on my # & !*+!#^!!*% shoes!!! "

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Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes

Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the

memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an

error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the

double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data are

corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash, then your situation’s hopeless

and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network is

connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to

another protocol, that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the

hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so

your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well

reboot so as to quit it with a bang, because as sure as I’m a poet, the

old sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro

code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you’ll have to flash the

memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM, therefore quickly shut the PC and

be sure to tell your Mom!

Understand?

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[More fractured similes follow]

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a

real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or

something. Kammer, Herndon

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell

butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Barbara Collier, Garrett

Park

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just

before it throws up. Reese, Arlington

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever

seen before. n Carlsson, Lexington

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Lee (D-TX)

in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry

Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the

impeachment of President Jefferson Clinton. J.F. Knowles,

Springfield