Humor Express

[Guest guest]

Noah's Ark... If it happened today

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, " In six months I'm going to make it

rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people

are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing

on the planet.

I am commanding you to build an Ark. " And in a flash of lightning, He

delivered the

specifications for an Ark.

" Okay, " said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

" Six months, and it starts to rain, " thundered the Lord. " You'd better

have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very

long time. "

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The

Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping, and there was

no Ark.

" Noah, " shouted the Lord, " Where is the Ark? "

" Lord, please forgive me! " begged Noah. " I did my best. But there were

big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark

construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire

an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over

whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

" Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building

the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance

from the city planning commission.

" Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was

a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to

convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the

Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

" The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to

negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before

anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters

going on the boat, and still no owls.

" Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights

group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

" Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't

complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on

your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had

no jurisdiction over the conduct of a

Supreme Being.

" Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood

plain. I sent them a globe.

" Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal

Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm

supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying

to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just

got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I

really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another

five years, " Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across

the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

" You mean you're not going to destroy the earth? " Noah asked hopefully.

" No, " said the Lord sadly. " The government already has. "